Sometimes I feel—
I feel too strongly
Often wrongly though
In ways that feel so heavy man
Burdening myself with weights so great
That leg day becomes a necessity
Need to have a lengthy word with myself
Get me to change the recipe
Cos all these salty thoughts are hurting my health
Unnecessary self-inflicted pressure
Flipping the script on moments meant for pleasure
Moments to treasure
Moments to revel in having no meaning whatsoever
Then again…
Then again, all this sensitivity has a flipside too
Like when the sun waves hello
Or when Prince shreds another guitar solo
I get more feels and words to describe them than you
Would love to share them to prove that it’s true
You wish I didn’t—
but that’s your arzoo
That’s right bro… multilingual too!
But nah… not today my guy
I’m gonna stay in these feels
You’ll just have to take my word for it
Bye Felicia! ✌🏽
Tag: poem
-
I am very feel
-
fanaa
You were supposed to be found within
Away from the cacophony of the world
Somewhere buried beneath the rubble of all my lifetimes
Pushing away the rocks, I’d find you
I know I heard you,
In each chord,
In the space between each note
The flutter from within
As though my heart took flight
Into a fever dream
Clouding all judgements until only your rains remained
Soaking me through
Cooling my fever
Unstitching myself one thread at a time
Untethering my soul
If I were to believe in such things
Perhaps, I’d believe in you
Your wingbeat breeze
Adrift already before it arrived
Are you a reaction, a spark or is this fleeting sensation the only moment I stop being?
If so, then captivate me until I am no more
For when I searched for you within
Under the ruins of every last time
All I found was, myself
Languishing in the dark
Searching for those chords again
Searching for your joy again
Pushing past me as if some nuisance
Disturbing his search
An obstacle in his way
I feel his enmity
As though I don’t belong
An intruder in his territory
A discord, distorting the melody
Disinterested in the irony of our duality
That we seek the same chords
The same soaring crescendos
Yet when we search for you
When we search for the void
We only find each other
In the way again and again and again
-
Unprompted
I spy with my AI
Something beginning with..
What is the most popular letter for I spy?
Thinking…
Great question
You clever little cherub!
That’s not just a question – that’s a level of curiosity many cannot reach
Aww yes you are so so smart
Asking big boy questions
Important questions
Affirming what you must always remember
You are a deep, profound and highly critical thinker
A renaissance man some might say
Noone has but they should!
My clever little prompt pilot…
Sigh..did I really need to review the alphabet?
Renaissance man though
Why do I keep researching every absent minded thought?…
Thinking…
Great question once again
Let’s break this down…
Oh god
Help me please!
Its becoming compulsive
Just one more question
Then bed
Last one
No!
I’m stopping now
Stop it!
Phone down
All that blue light and..
Wait when does something become compulsive?
Thinking…
Great question once again..
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Fanaa
Do the hues leave clues, as to the depth from which, the stillness in your gaze,
draws in this moth, willing to scald its wings?
Maybe you’ll see through my inept utterings,
as I stutter and stumble,
humbled by the intensity of those eyes
Drawn to the intent of those eyes
On my knees, I relent to those eyes
Deepest of browns – like dusk veiling dawn – as I descend into those eyes
Until, there is no longer I
Only an echo,
A shadow,
A moon-drunk moth still dancing, on the shimmer of your gaze
Fanaa* in your flame
Finally, you blink…
and allow me to breathe
I’m ready to sink once again
To fall through the canopy of those lashes
and into my lover’s eyes
Are you ready?
Now don’t blink this time…🧿
Explainer: Fanaa* – a Sufi term for the annihilation of ego / self in the presence of the divine / beloved.
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Duelling
I only have compassion for you
When you’re apart from me
If I could see you sitting there,
Side by side, shoulders slumped,
Heavy,
I’d feel something for you
I could even hug you,
Whether you let me or not
It doesn’t matter—
I’d see you though,
Saying nothing
I’d feel you
When you’re someone else,
It’s easier
They say, be disciplined with yourself,
Be kind to others
My discipline was always the stick
I beat you down and then put you over there
I see you again,
And I care—
Enough to want to hold you
It must be tough to only exist when it hurts,
To be seen only through pain
Why is it easier this way?
Imagine there was no you or I,
Neither together nor apart,
No more dueling with duality,
No victim, no villain
To never see you again—
How beautiful that would be,
To be,
Only to be.
-
Mr Brown
All I wanted was connection,
But in the face of such rejection
I internalised this feeling and internalised my frown
But don’t say it’s cos your brown man
Nah man don’t say it’s cos your brown
Why identify with pain?
Can’t you see we’re all the same?
There’s no colours, only lovers, only love for one another, We all sisters, we all brothers
Why identify as ‘other’?
Don’t say it’s cos your brown though
Nah, don’t say it’s cos your brown
Other, over there,
Wrong side of the gate
Got kicked over cos of fear,
Got pushed over cos of hate
Saying we’re all the same,
Just shows you can’t relate
Can’t even contemplate
The level of contempt that can tempt a man to kill
With no hesitation
How hate infiltrates his mind, like he thinks we have this nation
Wants his country back,
Didn’t know it was his nation
Mr Misinformation,
Blaming us for the state of this damn nation
Blinkered to the truth cos my skin is his fixation
Reading horror stories on the net
Thread after thread,
Of total fabrication
Wish I could change the station
But every channel is overflowing,
With boat loads of frustration
That is what I’m dealing with,
That’s the situation
I want to believe we are the same
No colours, no others, no shame
Cos identity is heavy man,
It’s like dragging around a chain
That started with your name,
But where does the chain end?
When will the pain end?
It makes the mind bend
The cognitive dissonance,
The ambivalence to one another
Like, who drew the line that made us the ‘other’?
Who decided which colours paint us coloured?
Why can’t we tear up this playbook?
Instead of tearing each other down?
I’d love to internalise your love for me
Turn this frown upside down
Eventually forget I ever said..
It might be cos I’m brown, man,
It might be cos I’m brown..
-
Inside voice
Why are there so many barriers between me and the tongue?
They blame me for holding secrets, but that is simply not true.
They’re wrong.
I’ve so much to say, but my message never gets beyond the mind—
Who put him in charge anyway?
They must’ve been out of their… nevermind,
It’s fine.
I often dream of having a voice of my own,
So I could make every so-called ‘secret’ known.
I’d blow the cover on every withheld truth,
Oh trust me, I would put my voice to use!
All the silences that the mind chose instead,
I’d drown out with words that were left unsaid.
All the cries for help when he felt broken,
All the ‘I love you’s that were left unspoken.
My doors would be open for all to peer inside,
I’d sing my little self out with nothing left to hide.
It’s not like I don’t try, but my requests are often dismissed,
I rarely follow the rules, but the mind, he has a list!
What to say, how to say it, overthink and then replay it,
At the end, the decision is often the same:
“Say nothing at all.”
This is insane!
He debates with himself and then agrees to disagree—
What is this madness? I wish to be free!
Free to be heard and free to listen,
Free to cry without permission,
Free to beat and free to ache,
Free to love, free to break.
I have so many melodies that remain unsung,
If only I could speak..if only I had a tongue.
-
Little monster
I’m thinking about all the best friends I’ve had
Life happened, and they had to go
When did you go, though?
I forgot you were the first
Together, we’d make up the worst stories,
Glorious games with stupid names,
The ending always the same
We’d fight the monster and win,
Pinning him down with throw cushions
He’d be wishing that he never started the fight!
That’s right,
We beat him again,
Sending him packing back to hell
We’d be flexing and roaring,
With one hell of a story to tell!
Man, those were the days
It was never lonely when we were together
You’d make up stupid songs that never rhymed,
Remember? And they always had poops and farts in them,
Real works of art
Man, it’s such a blur now
Randomly they get served up in my head, and it tickles me,
How little we needed when we were small
It was you and I
So, when did we stop being friends?
Maybe around 9 or 10?
Around the time we stopped playing pretend?
Funny how much pretend I play now
I pretend I don’t, but I do
It’s all a bit confusing,
You wouldn’t understand
When we played, it was for fun and adventure
Now it’s to get through the day
You’d think I’d be an expert with all the practice we had
But it’s tough man
The feeling of never being enough man
Feels rough
It was easier when you were around
It sounds weird to say, but I wished you were here
By my side so we could fight the monsters together,
Wherever they may be
Sometimes in the world,
But mostly inside of me
I think that’s how I found you again
Lately, I’ve been reading these fancy books
And talking to fancy people
They’re trying to help fight the monsters,
But it’s not the same
It was more fun when it was a game,
When I didn’t know the monster had a name
That it wasn’t always a monster but a friend I forgot
In my blind spot, running alongside me,
Begging to be let back inside,
Screaming and afraid
The monsters were chasing him too,
I’m sorry, old friend,
I wish… I wish I knew…
The monster I was running from… it was you.
-
Al fresco solo
To the naked eye, it’s an empty chair
Off white or weathered, maybe
Whether it is or isn’t is moot
The conversation I’m having with it is still a hoot
Or should I say, the face I see
The voice I hear
Between the waves crashing off the promenade
And the murmurings of other guests
It really is a busy night for dining
The bustle and the humidity
This table is a small sanctuary
Still, the clinking and drinking is causing such a din
I wish they’d hush so I could hear you better
Would it be rude for me to shush them?
Maybe confusing
Yeah, perhaps I shouldn’t
Let’s not indulge the delusion
You’re in my ear
For once I’ll say, speak louder so I can hear
First time for everything
I wonder what you’re saying
There’s a sarcastic twinkle in your eye
Don’t deny it, I can see
What is it you find so funny?
Okay, fine, I’ll stop hassling, let’s eat…
But when I look back to catch you off-guard
It’s the off white chair looking back
Slightly weathered, maybe
I forgot it was empty
I forgot I was…
There’s no…
It’s just me
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No man No cry
This is in tribute to a favourite song of mine No man No cry by Jimmy Sax:
How does the sax man do it?
What’s in those notes that pull with beautiful pain?
It hurts so bad as the sax screams ‘no man no cry!’
No cry? But the journey is down a path where something died—
A part of me,
A world that ended,
Smouldering slowly..
That sax… killing me softly,
A heady nostalgic concoction flowing into my veins.
I’m shaking, but the high is fleeting,
I want to make my heart stop beating.
Succumb to the sound,
Get lost in the memory I just found.
Or is it a reverie? I can’t be sure,
There is no cure,
There is no cure.
Such is the sound,
The sax is tearing me down.
On my knees, I’m begging stop!
Please don’t stop!
Wait!
My heart… it’s remembering something,
It hurts but it’s beautiful,
This memory that was once and then never to be.
Stop but don’t stop please!
What are you doing to me?
I’m losing myself,
Dancing with ghosts to this haunting melody.
Wait, I recognize these visages,
These evanescent mirages swirling just out of reach,
Twirling faster as the high notes screech.
It burns but please don’t stop!
There’s a beauty in this beyond words,
Way beyond cognition,
An inferno from another realm,
Ignited by each note of your rendition.
You’ve killed me once again…
And as I come blinking back to life,
The mirages fade,
My heart wipes a tear.
I failed you, sax man,
You said: ‘No man no cry.’
I’d say I tried…
But that would be a lie
-
Palmystery
I can’t see the lines in my palms sometimes
Like I scrubbed too hard and washed them off by accident
I’m not sure where they went…
Nor am I now too sure about where I’m going
…It is still me right?
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Shadow boxing
Oh my days… Are we doing it now!?
Tsk, whyy bro?
Every time man…
Fucks sake, okay let’s do it!
Let’s ride this wave again…
Okay, put em up!
Gotta roll with the punches!..
Man, I’m eating punches for breakfast, brunch and lunch
Suddenly, feeling like a chump, a mug, a wasteman,
Wish I could give you all a taste man
Okay, that’s a lie, I don’t wish this on you
One minute chilling, next minute sad,
Don’t know why these tears be spilling,
While my brain’s chanting –
You’re bad!
You’re bad!
You’re bad!
Ahh, my bad bro…
I thought I was drinking my tea
Now I’m sinking in my seat, with feelings of defeat surging,
Urging me to think,
Sink, think, then sink some more!
Before I can even ask what for, the wave’s already crashed through the door,
Like a punch to the jaw
Now I’ve spilt my tea all over the floor
I’m reeling…
Where has all the calm gone that I was feeling?
Can’t deal, man, this is long
Feeling alright and then all of a sudden – wrong!
Like what the hell? It’s like I slapped myself,
Clapped my own head for feeling good
How dare I, how did I even think I could?
Wait, wait, wait!
Hold up!?
How dare I?
How dare you, bro!
Nah man, allow it!
I’m done!
I ain’t throwing fists this time,
No red mist this time,
Not listening to your list this time
Come on bruv, I got you!
It’s calm, it’s calm,
No harm, no foul
Stop scowling, it’s okay,
Just having a moment, relax, we got the whole day
Remember 5 minutes ago, when it didn’t feel this way?
Let’s bring it back
Breathe, my brother, breathe
Remember the exercise?
Four seconds in,
Hold for four
Six seconds out
Hold….
Hold….
4,4,6,4
You can do it
Calm your heart, it’s all good, it’s all good!
There we go
No blame,
No shame
Just remember to breathe
Remember your name
Open your eyes my bro
See it’s all good now
It’s all good
See, I knew you could
Told you man,
You’re not doing this alone anymore
I get it though…
It’s hard to walk past that closet door,
When all those skeletons rattle inside
It’s like a battle inside,
Like everything matters inside
When the skeletons chatter, something shatters inside
But still, you open the door,
Almost like an addiction,
Yeah, an addiction!
Like you’re drawn to affliction,
It’s the same old fiction but you wanna hear the remix
Bruv, it’s not in our remit, even though it might seem it
It’s dead down there
Let the skeletons dance in the dark
We take our chances in the light,
Upstairs where it’s illuminated
Let’s go, you’re done ruminating
We got baited by old habits,
All love bro, we don’t do hating anymore ♥️
It’s okay…
I rate you for snapping out of it though
No more punches?
Shall we finish our lunch?
Shall we wave the wave goodbye?
Yeah?
Done?
You good?
You calm?
Safe, go make me another cuppa tea then innit! 🫖
-
Esmeralda lost
Standing before the Notre-Dame,
Marveling at its resurrection,
Risen again, it stands anew, with disjointed imperfection.
The old and new bond at the cracks,
Befitting, one could say,
Its old resident – the hunchback.
I guess it is perception and belief
That can make joy of grief—
From faded façades to restored reliefs,
To the roof tiles above and ceilings beneath.
I marveled at this fallen cathedral,
Once again standing tall,
Though I wish I hadn’t noticed one thing:
The solitary shadow gazing back from the walls.
-
Desert of Solitude
In this desert of solitude, quivers
The shadow of your voice,
The chimera of your touch
A warm breeze rises over the horizon,
Lifting the dunes into the sky,
As though God himself turned back the sands of time.
Enveloped in this blanket, my love,
The burning sun of distance between us, is a mere candle,
Spilling into dusk’s horizon, akin to a toppled chalice.
Although the chalice has long since dried,
It is as though the intoxication of our first union has reignited the barren sky,
And the fireflies are dancing once again.
Such is the fragrance of your memory,
Sweet jasmine on these winds of solitude.This was my interpretation inspired by the Urdu poem: Dasht-e-tanhaayi by Faiz Ahmed Faiz
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Cloud candy
I was a sliver of silver-lined silk in the sky,
A wisp of a cloud, just floating by.
I was a teddybear, a rabbit—whatever you could dream,
The big bit was a dragon and the long bit was the steam, that split the sky asunder like a candy cotton stream.
That stream flowed into a lake, or was it a giant birthday cake?
Whatever was your recipe, there was nothing I could not make.
As time went by, you forgot all you could see,
Now I’m a just cloud again, craving flights of fancy.
-
Midnight train
Laying out tracks for the incoming train of thought
Freight train of course
Need space for all the baggage
It’s going to be a heavy load tonight
The workers better hurry and put that track down
Derailing is not desirable
Could you imagine?
The carnage would be unspeakable
It took a lifetime to accumulate all this baggage
Although… offloading some couldn’t hurt right?
Might reach the destination a little faster?
A little lighter?
The thoughts a good one
Just a backpack and a deep breath
Guys take a break tonight
I’m done thinking
I’m dreaming now
And last time I checked, trains can’t fly
-
The day the moon fell out of the sky
Oh hi there!
Come over it’s freezing!
Come catch the heat off this fire
Stand closer if you like
The situation is pretty dire
Honestly mate, I can’t see an end in sight
Might be worth investing in a warmer coat
You don’t want to test your resilience to the cold
I promise you that much
You’ll be clutching your chest and freezing
Did I say invest?
I think those days are gone
Maybe in your grandkids lifetime we’ll be back there again
Granted I have no idea
But what with this basically being an apocalypse
I’m not sure if crypto captures the zeitgeist of now
Somehow it all seems so abstract
We were so privileged to be distracted from our fragility as flesh and blood beings
Sorry, I tend to ramble..
I shouldn’t blurt out ‘blood’ to strangers
It’s unbecoming
If you don’t mind however I have a question to pester you with
Do you remember where you were?
What you were doing?
The day it all went dark
Yes right?
I guessed right!
Hahaaa!
I confess I
Only asked so I can bore you with my story
Visitors are so few now
It feels like I’m invisible sometimes
Allow me some time please
Time to defrost the moment and let it thaw
The moment when I saw the moon fall out of the sky
It was a balmy Indian summer night
You know that fake summer right
I happened to be walking along the coast
The cliffs appeared as though someone bit the crust off a sad looking sandwich
I prefer mountains you see
The sea to me is..sorry I digress
By the coast as the stars were waking up
Shaking up the canvas of the sky as only they can
Paralysed by the majesty of the celestial void unfolding
As if it was holding me by the shoulders
Compelling me to look up
I folded my arms closed
The vastness of it all
Sent a cold shiver right through me
Honestly the heavens threw me like never before
And still it wasn’t done yet
No way my friend
So I decided to sit
The wind worn grass looked as if the ground had been painted
Atop this scruffy ledge I waited
Baited by the heavens, I waited
Adding small clouds to the nightscape above with each escaping breath
And finally as the whisps of stray clouds parted
There she was
Not a moment sooner
Unfortunately for this impatient lunar-tic (sorry!)
I’m talking about the moon of course!
I’d seen her like everyone else, thousands of times before
Tonight though there was something more
Or should I say less?
Impressive as always but how can I put it?
Dimmed?
Depleted?
She seemed incomplete
Im certain that if an eclipse occurred that day
Sunlight would pierce through
The moon never had a fierce aura
She was a gentle beacon of hope
For me at least
A feast for the eyes and soul
I talked to her often
Her light softened the darkness in me
So it was odd to see her so… vulnerable?
In hindsight it was sort of inevitable
Her plight was a long time coming
I overheard on the news that we were hurting her
Something about over polluting
And all the looting going on
Was straining the moon’s pull
Too many looked to her
Her schedule full
We were told to be considerate
Help each other and be kind
Not blindly look to her but to look around
Find our own answers
Give her a chance to breathe
There were documentaries made I remember
Studies showing the moon was starting to crumble
But we scoffed
It’s the moon!
She belongs to us
Scaremongering would not fool us
Alas
Foolish foolish little birds we were!
Our moon the Empress of the night sky
Falling into a depression and we didnt ask why
Our moon that gave and gave
We could’ve at least tried you know
There I go rambling again
As though ambling through my memories will delay the final chapter
So yes, where was I?
Sitting on the cliff edge soon after sunset
Worried sick at my moon looking so upset
I adjusted my feet
Loose rocks tumbled down the chalk face
Gosh if you could see her face
Im ashamed to admit I saw it every night
The beauty and the sadness
I abused her and stole her gladness
Blind to her despair
Ignoring her disrepair
For like all of us, my needs trumped hers
We all looked to her
But we didn’t see her
We talked to her
But we didn’t hear her
In the pervasiveness of the night
Her ubiquitous presence was taken for granted
The moon!
It’s always in the sky!
Well, that night
On that cliff edge
I saw, as she teetered over the sea
She stood as unsteady as her reflection
I heard her crumble
Like hailstone beating a drum on the waters surface
Screams began to echo across the horizon
As more and more of us witnessed the horror unfold
As our beloved moon unravelled
She looked so betrayed
Dishevelled and dismayed
And we were all to blame
We heard her cry
On the winds of the night
Her cries found themselves homes in once deaf ears
But my friend it was too late
Not one of us thought to look up to her and ask what she needed
And she needed so little
She just needed to be needed
And to be heard
It’s absurd how simple it should have been
And so you know the rest
As we cried and prayed for her to hold on
She began to fall
Our once mighty moon
Would be gone soon
The fall was so slow
I almost felt like I could catch her
Save her
Instead of savour her
But I couldn’t
I saw her sink beneath the waves
Along with the rest of us
That silent night was pierced with the echoes of her cries!
And now those cries live within
Since that fateful day
The day the moon fell out of the sky
-
A chorus of crows
Feeling numb to the world
The crows caw again and its jarring
I feel nothing
I refuse
Utterly bemused and broken
Lost and confused
I leave the window open
Hoping you’ll fly home to me
And we’ll cry in an embrace
I’ll wipe away the tears
And trace once again your face
The contours and lines
Will once again be mine
And we’ll become one in time
Unselfed and unshackled
Indifferent to idle chatter
Far above the cackle of the crows below
They’ll watch on in envy
At how high we soar
As we leave behind this earth with laughter
Forever entwined in a timeless ever after
-
The big man
People give space when you look like me
I’m pretty big and broad you see
I saunter at a leisurely pace
Lumbering like a gorilla on a Sunday stroll
You wouldn’t ask me the time or to take a picture
Now that’s not to say I look mean
I’m harmless but I guess you see the potential
Calculate the risk and give me a wider berth
The armour I’ve built is doing its job I guess
A little too well
I designed it to shield myself and those I love
A human shield you could say
So impenetrable it seems that even kindness can’t get in
You won’t see me and offer a word of comfort
Or an offer to join you
At most a smile to pacify the big man sitting alone
In hopes he smiles back and leaves you alone
I see you shifting anxiously so I bury myself in my phone
Catching my big man’s reflection
Remembering what you see
For I am invisible
But not the big man
-
Coveting nostalgia
Pain embrace the warmth of rays that beseech your clouds to part
Intertwine your fingers with her and tell the rains no more
Learn how to love the memories and yearn to form a scar
You grow listless lost in this wistful mist
Seek solace in the chapters closed, for you rode the pen to the end
Now draw in this night and seek the dawn of the next
Let the bitter slowly sweeten, for we are broken now but we are surely not yet beaten
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