Laying out tracks for the incoming train of thought
Freight train of course
Need space for all the baggage
It’s going to be a heavy load tonight
The workers better hurry and put that track down
Derailing is not desirable
Could you imagine?
The carnage would be unspeakable
It took a lifetime to accumulate all this baggage
Although… offloading some couldn’t hurt right?
Might reach the destination a little faster?
A little lighter?
The thoughts a good one
Just a backpack and a deep breath
Guys take a break tonight
I’m done thinking
I’m dreaming now
And last time I checked, trains can’t fly
Tag: poem
-
Midnight train
-
The day the moon fell out of the sky
Oh hi there!
Come over it’s freezing!
Come catch the heat off this fire
Stand closer if you like
The situation is pretty dire
Honestly mate, I can’t see an end in sight
Might be worth investing in a warmer coat
You don’t want to test your resilience to the cold
I promise you that much
You’ll be clutching your chest and freezing
Did I say invest?
I think those days are gone
Maybe in your grandkids lifetime we’ll be back there again
Granted I have no idea
But what with this basically being an apocalypse
I’m not sure if crypto captures the zeitgeist of now
Somehow it all seems so abstract
We were so privileged to be distracted from our fragility as flesh and blood beings
Sorry, I tend to ramble..
I shouldn’t blurt out ‘blood’ to strangers
It’s unbecoming
If you don’t mind however I have a question to pester you with
Do you remember where you were?
What you were doing?
The day it all went dark
Yes right?
I guessed right!
Hahaaa!
I confess I
Only asked so I can bore you with my story
Visitors are so few now
It feels like I’m invisible sometimes
Allow me some time please
Time to defrost the moment and let it thaw
The moment when I saw the moon fall out of the sky
It was a balmy Indian summer night
You know that fake summer right
I happened to be walking along the coast
The cliffs appeared as though someone bit the crust off a sad looking sandwich
I prefer mountains you see
The sea to me is..sorry I digress
By the coast as the stars were waking up
Shaking up the canvas of the sky as only they can
Paralysed by the majesty of the celestial void unfolding
As if it was holding me by the shoulders
Compelling me to look up
I folded my arms closed
The vastness of it all
Sent a cold shiver right through me
Honestly the heavens threw me like never before
And still it wasn’t done yet
No way my friend
So I decided to sit
The wind worn grass looked as if the ground had been painted
Atop this scruffy ledge I waited
Baited by the heavens, I waited
Adding small clouds to the nightscape above with each escaping breath
And finally as the whisps of stray clouds parted
There she was
Not a moment sooner
Unfortunately for this impatient lunar-tic (sorry!)
I’m talking about the moon of course!
I’d seen her like everyone else, thousands of times before
Tonight though there was something more
Or should I say less?
Impressive as always but how can I put it?
Dimmed?
Depleted?
She seemed incomplete
Im certain that if an eclipse occurred that day
Sunlight would pierce through
The moon never had a fierce aura
She was a gentle beacon of hope
For me at least
A feast for the eyes and soul
I talked to her often
Her light softened the darkness in me
So it was odd to see her so… vulnerable?
In hindsight it was sort of inevitable
Her plight was a long time coming
I overheard on the news that we were hurting her
Something about over polluting
And all the looting going on
Was straining the moon’s pull
Too many looked to her
Her schedule full
We were told to be considerate
Help each other and be kind
Not blindly look to her but to look around
Find our own answers
Give her a chance to breathe
There were documentaries made I remember
Studies showing the moon was starting to crumble
But we scoffed
It’s the moon!
She belongs to us
Scaremongering would not fool us
Alas
Foolish foolish little birds we were!
Our moon the Empress of the night sky
Falling into a depression and we didnt ask why
Our moon that gave and gave
We could’ve at least tried you know
There I go rambling again
As though ambling through my memories will delay the final chapter
So yes, where was I?
Sitting on the cliff edge soon after sunset
Worried sick at my moon looking so upset
I adjusted my feet
Loose rocks tumbled down the chalk face
Gosh if you could see her face
Im ashamed to admit I saw it every night
The beauty and the sadness
I abused her and stole her gladness
Blind to her despair
Ignoring her disrepair
For like all of us, my needs trumped hers
We all looked to her
But we didn’t see her
We talked to her
But we didn’t hear her
In the pervasiveness of the night
Her ubiquitous presence was taken for granted
The moon!
It’s always in the sky!
Well, that night
On that cliff edge
I saw, as she teetered over the sea
She stood as unsteady as her reflection
I heard her crumble
Like hailstone beating a drum on the waters surface
Screams began to echo across the horizon
As more and more of us witnessed the horror unfold
As our beloved moon unravelled
She looked so betrayed
Dishevelled and dismayed
And we were all to blame
We heard her cry
On the winds of the night
Her cries found themselves homes in once deaf ears
But my friend it was too late
Not one of us thought to look up to her and ask what she needed
And she needed so little
She just needed to be needed
And to be heard
It’s absurd how simple it should have been
And so you know the rest
As we cried and prayed for her to hold on
She began to fall
Our once mighty moon
Would be gone soon
The fall was so slow
I almost felt like I could catch her
Save her
Instead of savour her
But I couldn’t
I saw her sink beneath the waves
Along with the rest of us
That silent night was pierced with the echoes of her cries!
And now those cries live within
Since that fateful day
The day the moon fell out of the sky
-
A chorus of crows
Feeling numb to the world
The crows caw again and its jarring
I feel nothing
I refuse
Utterly bemused and broken
Lost and confused
I leave the window open
Hoping you’ll fly home to me
And we’ll cry in an embrace
I’ll wipe away the tears
And trace once again your face
The contours and lines
Will once again be mine
And we’ll become one in time
Unselfed and unshackled
Indifferent to idle chatter
Far above the cackle of the crows below
They’ll watch on in envy
At how high we soar
As we leave behind this earth with laughter
Forever entwined in a timeless ever after
-
The big man
People give space when you look like me
I’m pretty big and broad you see
I saunter at a leisurely pace
Lumbering like a gorilla on a Sunday stroll
You wouldn’t ask me the time or to take a picture
Now that’s not to say I look mean
I’m harmless but I guess you see the potential
Calculate the risk and give me a wider berth
The armour I’ve built is doing its job I guess
A little too well
I designed it to shield myself and those I love
A human shield you could say
So impenetrable it seems that even kindness can’t get in
You won’t see me and offer a word of comfort
Or an offer to join you
At most a smile to pacify the big man sitting alone
In hopes he smiles back and leaves you alone
I see you shifting anxiously so I bury myself in my phone
Catching my big man’s reflection
Remembering what you see
For I am invisible
But not the big man
-
Coveting nostalgia
Pain embrace the warmth of rays that beseech your clouds to part
Intertwine your fingers with her and tell the rains no more
Learn how to love the memories and yearn to form a scar
You grow listless lost in this wistful mist
Seek solace in the chapters closed, for you rode the pen to the end
Now draw in this night and seek the dawn of the next
Let the bitter slowly sweeten, for we are broken now but we are surely not yet beaten
-
On pause
I always teased about how very small you were
How so far removed away from very tall you were
Now that very small you has burst a hole in me
Taken all the air and the very soul of me
Can’t believe I won’t be fighting with your hair no more
Can’t believe I’m writing that we are no more
Can’t be me without a you, not the me that I know
Can’t conceive that I’m to grieve and to receive no more
You were poetry
A Pandora’s box
You were electricity
Energy on tap
We can both agree
We can both agree
Yet now I write in tenses made for yesterday
I write to you but you’re no longer here to say
That you love it or you hate it, it’s just me today
Longing for your loving
It’s just me today
Knowing youre not coming
I’m so sad to say
Can’t let it fade away
Why does it fade away?
Where do these words come from?
Where were they when your eyes were crying ‘say something?’
Don’t overthink the words just bloody say something
Something loving without trying
Why won’t you say something?
Just say something!
You were everything
In the sense that I didn’t sense it
You were everything
The joy, the pain the laughter
All the little things
Be it blessing or disaster
You were everything
You were my everything
Not just the pretty parts
Though truth be told
You made up most of all the pretty parts
Mixed in among the witty and the gritty parts
Not forgetting to add in the total fitty parts
You really stood apart
You really stood apart
Now apart we sit and it rips the heart from me
You left with everything
Why won’t you take the dark from me?
You left your mark but now it’s too damn dark to see
Come won’t you help me see?
See that little bit of you that I stole from you
The little spark within my soul I stole from you
That same one that burst the hole
Like it was the whole of you
It was the whole of you
Now I long to tease about how very small you were
How so far removed away from very tall you were
How long it’s been since the last memory
There’s none newer
None of the joy or the bliss or last kiss of yours
Like someone came along and left us stuck on pause
Are we stuck on pause
Who left us stuck on pause?I’m pressing all the buttons but the screen won’t change
Keep pressing home but nothing happens, someone please explain
I must complain this is insane
That we are left estranged
Truth be told though..I think I am to blame
I really am to blame
Such a shame
-
Go back to Africa
Oi Paki, Go back to Africa!
What?!
Why you shouting at me?
Man what’s your problem?
Besides shit geography
Why you deriding my ancestry?
Ancestry
It means where my heritage is from
Heritage is..tut
Come school more init dumb dumb!
Learn a bit of history
Let’s solve that mystery
Instead of spitting my way
Like some sort of enemy
Like some sort of damn monkey
Irony
That you call me gorilla
But it’s you making chimp noises
Three apes and not one is me
Fuck geography
Watch some Attenborough
Get basics on zoology
Nah it’s not the study of zoos
Put down the zoot
Your dumbness isn’t cute
You racist waste of air
Let’s face it, life isn’t fair
Just cos you’re fair
You get more than your fair share
And some to spare
I don’t mean cash, although the stats say you do
I know your broke
Your dad’s on coke and mums battered
In more ways than one
And you’re their only wasteman son
It’s fair to say fair boy
That you ain’t won
But you don’t even know your white
Do you?
Like Harry potter’s invisibility cloak
The world sees straight through you
What’s that like?
It’s gotta be nice man
To not wake up and think..shit
I’m still a paki
Not that im ashamed
But why do I gotta represent all of us?
Or answer for all of us?
You, white boy, you’ll never know
You’re out of their sights boy
So in a way you’ll never grow
Grow a thick skin and internalised hatred
The kind that burns inside kind of hatred
The why me god, I hate myself kind of hatred
You got your own battles
Yet you beat on me
You hurt, so you hurt
Bro why cant you see?
Poor white boys and poor pakis
Different branches same tree
I’m Yorkshire, you’re Tetleys
Just not your cuppa tea!
Seriously though
Pay attention in geography!
-
The lineup
Standing in the dusty light waiting
Confused
Debating the purpose of the circus to come
‘Bring them in’ a gravelly voice strains
An insane clown posse shuffles through the door
Oh my god, it can’t be
Erm, what’s the deal officer?
What is the meaning of all this?
These faces
Intimately known
Infinitely bound
One by one, the visages raise their gazes
Mirages of stories told and left unsaid
Shackled in time
Wracking my mind, I recall them one by one
The gravelly voice rises once more
Well?!
Who was the villain?
Who broke the camel’s back?
I was dumbfounded
‘Erm, officer what do I make of this parade?
Seriously, what is this charade all about?’
Without stuttering he repeats the question
Who is the villain?
Now, I feel them
Eyes on me
All eyes on me
Questioning gazes
Searching gazes that cannot find me
Amused, bemused, indifferent even
I can’t bring myself to meet them
Eyes, I’d once greeted with an embrace
Faces, I thought once mine
I turn away
Breathing deep, the gravity of it all
Perturbed, by the brevity of this farcical situation
I honour their gazes
One by one
I meet their eyes with no challenge and no pain
‘Officer‘
Turning to the gravelly voice I confess,
‘This mess has no villain nor victim
I say, convict them
They say, convict him
Villains to me
Or I to them
Officer this dualism does not suffice
So let’s not sacrifice a soul for a soul
A what for a why
An eye for an eye
Intentions lost, in unintentional damage
Imaginary friends, faded into memory
Let them go officer
A one way mirror, is not befitting of a glass house’
-
Boxes piled high
There were no more boxes left to fill
Standing like a cardboard nightscape
A fragile tribute to the city you were escaping
I used my practical voice and avoided your eyes
Feeling the void looming
Navigating the boxes
Resisting the urge to turn them upside down
This day was always coming
So far away it seemed in the spring
So far away you were about to goWhy were you going?
Please stay with me!..
Be still…
Eyes down now
Be strong…The boxes were full
I was holding your dark blue coat
The one with the furry collar
The one, that tickled my nose when I leaned into rest my head next to yours
Wondering if I could hide it to make you stay, for 5 minutes more
All the boxes were full
You saw me dithering and smiled slightly
There was a tiny bit of room left in the big box
You folded as I pressed down to make space
It wouldn’t fit but I pushed harder
Suddenly the side split and I almost fell in
You spluttered a little laugh as I climbed out
We finally looked at each other grinning
On our knees, beside your bed
The box overflowedI saw your eyes again, for the first time
But, this time we smiled politely and parted
You were not the one
No hard feelings as we said goodbye
No memories to put into boxes
No torn cardboard revealing the mess
We never sat on the floor, exploring each others faces
I never saw your questioning eyes
Why did I let you go?
Why didn’t I beg you to stay?
Why did I let you down?We both laughed, as our eyes betrayed us
I clenched my teeth to stop the smile cracking
But it cracked, when I saw your brow quiver
And we cried,
And cried,
And cried
Holding you in this chapter for the last time,
I cried
You should never have had to go
It shouldn’t have been me that said goodbye
If I could rewrite our story
You would never have loved me
-
Calling the ‘rents
Hey Pops! Hope you’re well
You sound agitated I can tell
Listen Dad, please stay at home
Don’t leave without reason
One day soon we’ll roam I promise
But right now it’s open season on your life
Mine too I suppose, who knows right?
No Dad I’m not calling you old
I wouldn’t dare question your youth
For once Dad please do as your told
I’m a little bit scared, to tell you the truth
You know what I mean
Now sit your ass down
Be there for your Queen
Or she’ll be left holding your crown
Actually is mum there? Give her the phone
Remember Dad stay at home!
I don’t know when I will see you again
Stay smiling and stay alive until then..Hey Momma, how are you today?
It sucks that I have to stay away
Apparently it’s for the best, lets see
Anyway tell me
How’s the rest of the family?
Yeah, I got your latest WhatsApp I think
Honestly mum, I lose track of the links you send
I told you that they’re fake don’t open them
If they make you shake your fist
Then try to resist ok?
If that auntie persists on sharing this crap
I’ll report her as a terrorist I swear
Ok I’m being silly but seriously try to rest
As you always say, this life is a test
Don’t let it best you, be strong
God forbid something goes wrong
Let me know if there’s anything you need
I hate to admit this
But I wish I heeded your warning
I wish I came home more often
Instead of sitting here mourning the fact that I don’t know when I will see you again
Hopefully you can tell me off to my face soon
I swear I’ll listen like it’s my favourite tune
And we’ll all be together immune to the world that kept us apart
I look forward to holding you both again
For now I’ll hold you in my heart
Take care Mum, look after Dad for me
Don’t be sad that we’re far away
Be glad that someday will be here soon
And we’ll all be drinking chai in the same room
Ugh fine..Inshallah we’ll all be drinking chai in the same room..
-
City of lights
In the city of lights where nothing is seen
Between the dust and the horns, the noise and the blinkers
No-one looks at each other with eyes of compassion
Hardened by the status quo of dog eat dog
Right and wrong etched into stone for all of time
We are one and they are the other
Humanity on our side and servitude for our brothers
Borrowing styles of former masters
Beating ourselves with the canes they left behind
Compassion at a premium, empathy a luxury not worth pursuing
‘If not us then someone else’,
Says the next door neighbour, in futile justification of a jurisprudence seeking to maintain a power-balance with the weights clearly on a single end of the scales.
Heavy pockets, heavy bodies but light of heart
There are no lights in the city of lights
Only fireflies lost in the dust
Burning one another in the hopes of finding the moon alone
-
In time
The following poem is a tribute to my grandmother, who I unfortunately only got to meet once in my life because she lived in Burma and it was nearly impossible at the time to visit. She passed before I could meet her again..
Eyes on the departure board
Tripping on the uneven curb
Kicked up dust ambles into amber hues of sunset
It hits me
As unexpected as the last time
Yet familiar
The same swell of feelings, teasing each other, daring each other to unleash all they remember
In that plume of dust, the curb vanishes
The phone in my hand morphs into a tattered passport
The train station dissolves in a blink and I’m now seated, looking over my shoulder at a hazy figure, gradually diminishing from view
Sweating in the heat of this rusting old car, I wipe my brow, for I must see
An acrid smell of petrol distracts for a moment; a moment too precious to lose, since the distance will only grow now
Fighting against the bumpy road, I crane my neck further still
I can see her hand gently waving, as she takes another weary step into the dust trail left behind.
The same gentle hand that was a stranger to me not long before this moment
The same hand that somehow became the safest, warmest and most giving that I can recall
Her hand
That had nothing to give me, yet gave me more than I deserved all the same
Her hand falls to her face, as her face falls into her shoulders
The weariness of age played it’s part
Yet there was more to this dejected posture and faltering of steps than my young mind would allow itself to believe
She knew this was the last goodbye
Time would not be kind enough to wait for her
For any of us
Alas I was naively convinced that time was immaterial
Just a vessel with man at the helm
A plane, through which we chose our paths.
As devoid of purpose as a road with no-one to tread it
I was mistaken
The humble warmth of her smile belonged to time, as much as it did to my own memory
My memories, belonging as much to time as to myself
For in time they will fade
The distance between the memory of her and the present will only grow now
More dust will be kicked up as time moves forward
The finer details of her face will be lost in the haze; her touch will remain but the texture of her hands will elude me
Chipped away by the chisel of time; all that will survive is her essence
The only eternal amidst the flecks of forgotten memories
Now the dust trail fades, as her silhouette is swallowed by a fast rising sun
I have to relent and turn away from this abrupt blaze of light
The sun draws closer and closer until it rushes past my face with a howl and suddenly my train arrives.
