People give space when you look like me
I’m pretty big and broad you see
I saunter at a leisurely pace
Lumbering like a gorilla on a Sunday stroll
You wouldn’t ask me the time or to take a picture
Now that’s not to say I look mean
I’m harmless but I guess you see the potential
Calculate the risk and give me a wider berth
The armour I’ve built is doing its job I guess
A little too well
I designed it to shield myself and those I love
A human shield you could say
So impenetrable it seems that even kindness can’t get in
You won’t see me and offer a word of comfort
Or an offer to join you
At most a smile to pacify the big man sitting alone
In hopes he smiles back and leaves you alone
I see you shifting anxiously so I bury myself in my phone
Catching my big man’s reflection
Remembering what you see
For I am invisible
But not the big man
-
The big man
-
Senses
If I were to love with just my senses, then I’d forget you at goodbye
Senses are mere vessels to manifest you into this world
Goodbyes have no place here
-
Long road
Nothing changed yet everything did
As I took each turn in the road
Every last time was always on time
As I took each turn on the road
Your names reclaimed, only memories remained
As I took each turn in the road
Never again was never the end
Another friend fell behind at the bend
To walk alone
Are we the condemned?
I still look for you at the turn in the road..
-
The Cave
Love yourself
Love myself?
Love the shadows on the wall?
What’s casting them?
Is it me?
My self?
My ego?
Is it everything?
Is loving myself turning around?
I wish I knew how to turn this thing around
I have to admit, I don’t love this
The shadows are too black and white
I want to feel the heat of the fire on my face
Look beyond the flames and see
See Everything
See it for what it really is
Unchained and unfettered
Maybe, see what’s worth loving?
-
Elders
Am I now the elder I looked up to?
Man it don’t feel that way
I wonder, were they fucked up too?
Did they feel they strayed, often lay awake afraid thinking that they’re corrupt too?
Running out of elders to ask now
I ran out on my own, to own it alone
Now I’m home alone in a home on loan
Due on rent but never paid due to my ‘rents
Or did I? It’s hard to say
Look, it was hard to stay
It was inevitable we’d part ways
I wanted to say I did it my way
But my way meant the highway
Cos conditions weren’t good for me to thrive
Cos I was conditioned to just ‘be good’ to survive
When I hit the highway though..man I never felt so alive
Driving my hand me down
Wishing they could see me now
1.6 focus zetec
Telling myself it’s my time
It’s me next
I’m gonna smash the world
Gonna get me a girl
And all the basics a tween gets gassed about
15 years later I’ve got a hangover and a stitch
Man I’m gassed out
I need to stretch it out
Downward dog this thing
Sometimes, I feel I’m barking mad
Happy half the time and for that I’m glad
Grateful for the memories when I’m feeling sad
Sometimes, I think I’m just like my dad
He’s mad anxious and introspective
Reflective to the point that he’s ineffective
I can only see myself though, I’m being selfish
Cos beyond all his doubts he has forgiveness, kindness and a compassionate ease
Thank you dad, for giving me a piece of your mind
It’s not a sickness
It’s not a disease
Just gotta keep it in check
And forgive it sometimes
Give it some time
Help it not relive all the times
Maybe perhaps just stick it in a rhyme?
Shit that was deep for me..
Like something an elder would say?
Maybe one day
Now let me go dye those greys
Oh..wait..
-
Coveting nostalgia
Pain embrace the warmth of rays that beseech your clouds to part
Intertwine your fingers with her and tell the rains no more
Learn how to love the memories and yearn to form a scar
You grow listless lost in this wistful mist
Seek solace in the chapters closed, for you rode the pen to the end
Now draw in this night and seek the dawn of the next
Let the bitter slowly sweeten, for we are broken now but we are surely not yet beaten
-
On pause
I always teased about how very small you were
How so far removed away from very tall you were
Now that very small you has burst a hole in me
Taken all the air and the very soul of me
Can’t believe I won’t be fighting with your hair no more
Can’t believe I’m writing that we are no more
Can’t be me without a you, not the me that I know
Can’t conceive that I’m to grieve and to receive no more
You were poetry
A Pandora’s box
You were electricity
Energy on tap
We can both agree
We can both agree
Yet now I write in tenses made for yesterday
I write to you but you’re no longer here to say
That you love it or you hate it, it’s just me today
Longing for your loving
It’s just me today
Knowing youre not coming
I’m so sad to say
Can’t let it fade away
Why does it fade away?
Where do these words come from?
Where were they when your eyes were crying ‘say something?’
Don’t overthink the words just bloody say something
Something loving without trying
Why won’t you say something?
Just say something!
You were everything
In the sense that I didn’t sense it
You were everything
The joy, the pain the laughter
All the little things
Be it blessing or disaster
You were everything
You were my everything
Not just the pretty parts
Though truth be told
You made up most of all the pretty parts
Mixed in among the witty and the gritty parts
Not forgetting to add in the total fitty parts
You really stood apart
You really stood apart
Now apart we sit and it rips the heart from me
You left with everything
Why won’t you take the dark from me?
You left your mark but now it’s too damn dark to see
Come won’t you help me see?
See that little bit of you that I stole from you
The little spark within my soul I stole from you
That same one that burst the hole
Like it was the whole of you
It was the whole of you
Now I long to tease about how very small you were
How so far removed away from very tall you were
How long it’s been since the last memory
There’s none newer
None of the joy or the bliss or last kiss of yours
Like someone came along and left us stuck on pause
Are we stuck on pause
Who left us stuck on pause?I’m pressing all the buttons but the screen won’t change
Keep pressing home but nothing happens, someone please explain
I must complain this is insane
That we are left estranged
Truth be told though..I think I am to blame
I really am to blame
Such a shame
-
Limelight
Everyone tells me it’s simple
It’s seems so simple in theory
In a feeling, in a poem, in my heart I feel it all
So why won’t my mind let me believe?
Why does it fight love with fear?
I just want to be here and live the story
Not write my own
It’s a vast stage already
Why do I insist on doing improv in the cloakroom?
You can’t have dialog while reciting a soliloquy
Hear what is said and not what you think
That’s what I think people try to say
Reality is out there but what is real?
Their version or mine?
I have to trust that they nor I know
Yet we have to trust the dialog and engage
Here comes the fear demanding certainty
This floor open to unpredictability overwhelms me
Or is it you fear, that is overwhelmed?
I’m curious to see down the road
You wish to know it all before you know
See the end before we’re into the second act
At least read a review first
Yet this stage never ends
Exit stage left brings us right back to where we are
So next time let’s stay in the limelight a little longer
Or shall I say, I stay in the limelight
I can hold your hand in the shadow if you want?
But you follow me
-
Snakes and platters
Spinning plates in the dark isn’t easy
Down here with the snakes and crawling things
Do I spin or find the floor?
Could someone lend an ear?
All I hear is hissing
Listen for me please?
Those plates won’t spin themselves
Which one will fall?
Which one is out of control?
In the dark there’s more questions than answers
Endlessly spinning
Waltzing in this vortex of plates and snakes
I’m getting dizzy
But I can’t find the floor
And those plates won’t spin themselves
I said that already
But I can’t find the floor
And those plates won’t spin themselves..
-
Shakespeare of innuendo
I’m makin’ it sexy before pressing send tho!
Cos I’m like the Shakespeare of innuendo!
My words slither so smooth, even snakes fear me
Wrapping myself around you
I’ll make yo leg shake…dear me!
Watch your step near me, I could bite
Seeing you there..mmmh think I just might!
I’ll keep it tight and concise
Precisely imitating what I see
Don’t keep me waiting though
Within you is where I wanna be..
Oops I let slip.. that was hardly subtle
I had a feeling that it was gonna be a struggle
That feeling that betrays the innocence of a snuggle
That feeling that says..we about to get in trouble
That feeling when I see your face and….
Okay backspace…backspace…backspace…
Shakespeare remember!
Crescendo that innuendo, take your time
I’ll steal away your body but first I want your mind
Look past instincts, this is cerebral
Allow taking you to church
Tonight I’m building a fucking cathedral!
I’ll soak you in a shower of letters
Envelope you in a blanket of words
Like supple leather they’ll bind your hands, over your head as they get more absurd
Whipping your wits till you submit and admit you’re done
Losing your mind but feeling like you won
All this yet the fun hasn’t even begun..
Thats more like it
I said everything but said nothing at all
Now…you’re reaching over to give me a call
Now…oops…you’re wearing nothing at all
Signing off,
Shakespeare of innuendo,
Cos you know…
I’ll be in you in the end…oh…for fucks sake
…backspace…backspace…
-
My frienemy
I want to say I’m sorry
I never thought how hard it must be
All you do is worry
Worry about me
Your existence could seem a curse
Not everyone’s cup of tea
But you did not choose this life
The life of anxiety
You wake up and you’re worried
As you scurry to knock on my door
I rarely choose to listen
Seriously though, what for?
All you do is plan
Or dig up shit I regret
When all I really want to do
Is close my eyes and forget
Forget about tomorrow
Or the sorrows of yesterday
Some heat I’d like to borrow
Yet you have none to my dismay
But today I had a thought about you
Oh devil upon my shoulder
Perhaps you don’t always hold me back
Perhaps you could make me bolder?
I don’t know when I decided
Decided to close the door
As if by pushing you aside
I would be able to rest assured
In times of crisis you’ve been there
When I felt lost you found me
When my mind is racing with fear
You knew what to do to ground me
We’d sit together and make a plan
Using the past for a new tomorrow
Remembering all the cracks in the road
Never painting over the sorrow
You’ve had my back from the day I was born
Quietly by my side
Lately though you’ve been feeling low
And I did nothing as you sat and cried
Your worries grew worse
As did your regrets
And all I did was deny you
I slammed the door
To block out your voice
All that did was terrify you
I never stopped to ask you why
Why do you feel this way?
Where those worries came from
Or why they won’t go away
You wanted to talk
I wanted to run
Foolishly I tried to hide
When all along
I was all sorts of wrong
Not seeing it’s in me you reside
You are my friend
You are not my enemy
Sometimes you get worked up
But against me…you will never be
We’ve seen some shit
And you remember it
Even if I refuse
But if I leave you to it again
Again we both will lose
So hold me to this
That I will listen, when you need an ear
We’ll figure it out
Try to to clear up the doubts
In an embrace we’ll face the fears
-
Go back to Africa
Oi Paki, Go back to Africa!
What?!
Why you shouting at me?
Man what’s your problem?
Besides shit geography
Why you deriding my ancestry?
Ancestry
It means where my heritage is from
Heritage is..tut
Come school more init dumb dumb!
Learn a bit of history
Let’s solve that mystery
Instead of spitting my way
Like some sort of enemy
Like some sort of damn monkey
Irony
That you call me gorilla
But it’s you making chimp noises
Three apes and not one is me
Fuck geography
Watch some Attenborough
Get basics on zoology
Nah it’s not the study of zoos
Put down the zoot
Your dumbness isn’t cute
You racist waste of air
Let’s face it, life isn’t fair
Just cos you’re fair
You get more than your fair share
And some to spare
I don’t mean cash, although the stats say you do
I know your broke
Your dad’s on coke and mums battered
In more ways than one
And you’re their only wasteman son
It’s fair to say fair boy
That you ain’t won
But you don’t even know your white
Do you?
Like Harry potter’s invisibility cloak
The world sees straight through you
What’s that like?
It’s gotta be nice man
To not wake up and think..shit
I’m still a paki
Not that im ashamed
But why do I gotta represent all of us?
Or answer for all of us?
You, white boy, you’ll never know
You’re out of their sights boy
So in a way you’ll never grow
Grow a thick skin and internalised hatred
The kind that burns inside kind of hatred
The why me god, I hate myself kind of hatred
You got your own battles
Yet you beat on me
You hurt, so you hurt
Bro why cant you see?
Poor white boys and poor pakis
Different branches same tree
I’m Yorkshire, you’re Tetleys
Just not your cuppa tea!
Seriously though
Pay attention in geography!
-
Cornershop blues
Bruv!
You think the dark is coming out?
My eyes man look
They don’t twinkle no more
Wrinkled like the little black bag from the *offy
Probably got the same contents too
A special brew cocktail
Rolly* after rolly
Holy moly and all that Molly
Keep rolling mate!
Covered in snow and it’s spring
Holidays are coming
And I’ve got the sniffles again
Flying with the kites
My mouth shooting shots
Till I empty my magazine
Cos vices got me twisted
I swear it was a detour but man I think I’ve drifted
The mood shifted
I was so fucked I missed it
Till I fell out of the sky
And my black eyes cried
And the shakes reached my heart
Breaching the barriers
No *tinnies left in my carrier bag to mask it
These chills that got inside of me
They told me it’s called anxiety
They told me it’s gonna die with me
But it will off me first
Offering to quench my thirst
Like the offy where it started.
So that’s where I’m headed…*offy – off license / liquor store
*rolly – rolled cigarette
*tinny – beer can
-
Qué sera?
Searching for tomorrow
Daydreaming through today
Feels like I live half my life
And think the rest away..
-
Autumn leaves
I snapped out of my daydream
Rustling leaves outside
It must be you
I drew back the curtains
I drew in an excited breath
Sadly not true
Perhaps a shrew running through
Or a ghost
An echo maybe
At most my imagination
Fooling myself
Soothing myself
Closing the distance
Your fingertips to mine
Your eyes to mine
Your breast my headrest
Surrendering to you
At peace with you my love
You..
Deserving of praise beyond asinine musings
Your memories confuse my solitude
When the sun shines I wonder if it touched you first
Did this breeze carry your voice?
How did you become mine in the first place?
How did you hear me through the noise?
Why me?
Why us?
Rhetorical questions
Spare me an answer my love
I’m lost once again
Absent-minded reflections
Mirroring my absent love’s perfections
All this from a rustling of leaves..
-
Ode to a Reverie
Reverie, oh reverie!
Once you did not mean much to me
Be it verbose or full of brevity
Your flights brimmed with possibility
Never knowing the trajectory
Mixing like an apothecary
Making melodies out of memories
Allowing hell to feel heavenly
Releasing shackles of reality
Letting my eyes reflect fantasy
Reverie oh reverie!
Never ever let me be
Your name may have eluded me
Though my heart always knew how much you meant to me.
-
The lineup
Standing in the dusty light waiting
Confused
Debating the purpose of the circus to come
‘Bring them in’ a gravelly voice strains
An insane clown posse shuffles through the door
Oh my god, it can’t be
Erm, what’s the deal officer?
What is the meaning of all this?
These faces
Intimately known
Infinitely bound
One by one, the visages raise their gazes
Mirages of stories told and left unsaid
Shackled in time
Wracking my mind, I recall them one by one
The gravelly voice rises once more
Well?!
Who was the villain?
Who broke the camel’s back?
I was dumbfounded
‘Erm, officer what do I make of this parade?
Seriously, what is this charade all about?’
Without stuttering he repeats the question
Who is the villain?
Now, I feel them
Eyes on me
All eyes on me
Questioning gazes
Searching gazes that cannot find me
Amused, bemused, indifferent even
I can’t bring myself to meet them
Eyes, I’d once greeted with an embrace
Faces, I thought once mine
I turn away
Breathing deep, the gravity of it all
Perturbed, by the brevity of this farcical situation
I honour their gazes
One by one
I meet their eyes with no challenge and no pain
‘Officer‘
Turning to the gravelly voice I confess,
‘This mess has no villain nor victim
I say, convict them
They say, convict him
Villains to me
Or I to them
Officer this dualism does not suffice
So let’s not sacrifice a soul for a soul
A what for a why
An eye for an eye
Intentions lost, in unintentional damage
Imaginary friends, faded into memory
Let them go officer
A one way mirror, is not befitting of a glass house’
-
Mansion
I live in beautiful mansion
Ornate, magnificent and grande
With a library the world envies
Chapters and verses of glory and wonder
History piled high to the rafters
A dining room with every food I adore
A gallery of portraits and landscapes
Exquisite, absurd, inspiring and surreal
Leading into the garden below
Brimming with blooms and blossoms
And a chorus of bird song soaring from the trees
Yet, I find myself here in the crypts
Keeping the skeletons company
Searching the walls for a door
And my candle just went out
-
Wishing well
Such tranquility looking up from the bottom of this well
Quiet solitude and a beating heart
Where will you hide from the echoes in this chamber?
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