There’s a room in my dreams that scares me
Hiding—
Hiding behind a sullen wooden door
At the end of a forgotten corridor
Where my feet it seems, cannot find the floor
The doorknob within reach
Though I dare not turn it
God No.
Clutching my pendant, I whisper a prayer
The totemic black steel, digging into my palm
Reciting the inscription
Tightening my grip
Imprinting the words on my fingertips
As though to replace the lines that define me
Hoping they end the suffering that binds me…
That binds me—
to the apparition beyond the door
Stuttering through the recitation
As I’m sliding down the wall in hesitation
A curled up ball of defeat
In a fetal squeeze
Compressing my chest
Stifling what’s left of my breath
Sensing the soul rattling unrest, lurking
Lurking beyond the sullen wooden door
Never sudden, the dread keeps on seeping
Almost as though a draught is weeping,
Weeping through the cracks left creaking
As it creeps in beneath the door
Sneaking a peek, to behold the curled up ball against the wall upon the floor
Within reach, almost touching my feet
It baulks as I suppress a shriek
Flinching,
Eyes wide, I’m gasping
Looking up through my shivered breath, now roused and rasping
Clasping my chest once again at the sound of rapping…rapping—
An unforgettable rapping against a once-forgotten door
Please, I whisper
Please…no more…no more…no…more. 💀
-
Knock knock…
-
nafs (ego)
Treat this heart with care
For it’s a house of God
Hallowed ground
Wipe your feet
Watch for loose stones
Bow your head
The rafters are unstable
Rebuilt from memory
With the same stones that broke it
Foundations are firm though
Lovingly laid on that first day
In hopes that one day you’ll enter
To find I am no longer here
Leave the door open on your way out
I went looking for you.
-
Time for school
You’re like a child sometimes
Stubbornly gathering your blanket up under your chin
Pretending to still be sleeping
Back turned against the world outside
Remembering dreams like memories
Closing your eyes won’t take you back
Memories like dreams—never were,
They only are
The last stroke doesn’t dry
Painted over and over
A watercolour of fickle emotion
You wade into something new every time
But those dreams can’t hold you
So open your eyes little one
Let the blanket fall
You’re awake now and it’s okay
Honestly, it’s okay.
-
Kintsugi
I’m learning to fill in the cracks with gold
Since my skills with a hammer
Seem set in stone
Apparently the damage done needn’t be though
So please bear with…
I’m an old dog you see
And this cracked vase business is kinda tricky🏺
-
I am very feel
Sometimes I feel—
I feel too strongly
Often wrongly though
In ways that feel so heavy man
Burdening myself with weights so great
That leg day becomes a necessity
Need to have a lengthy word with myself
Get me to change the recipe
Cos all these salty thoughts are hurting my health
Unnecessary self-inflicted pressure
Flipping the script on moments meant for pleasure
Moments to treasure
Moments to revel in having no meaning whatsoever
Then again…
Then again, all this sensitivity has a flipside too
Like when the sun waves hello
Or when Prince shreds another guitar solo
I get more feels and words to describe them than you
Would love to share them to prove that it’s true
You wish I didn’t—
but that’s your arzoo
That’s right bro… multilingual too!
But nah… not today my guy
I’m gonna stay in these feels
You’ll just have to take my word for it
Bye Felicia! ✌🏽
-
stargazing
Our glances align,
a fine silk thread
across a constellation.
How long will this sun
dwell in your house?
-
fanaa
You were supposed to be found within
Away from the cacophony of the world
Somewhere buried beneath the rubble of all my lifetimes
Pushing away the rocks, I’d find you
I know I heard you,
In each chord,
In the space between each note
The flutter from within
As though my heart took flight
Into a fever dream
Clouding all judgements until only your rains remained
Soaking me through
Cooling my fever
Unstitching myself one thread at a time
Untethering my soul
If I were to believe in such things
Perhaps, I’d believe in you
Your wingbeat breeze
Adrift already before it arrived
Are you a reaction, a spark or is this fleeting sensation the only moment I stop being?
If so, then captivate me until I am no more
For when I searched for you within
Under the ruins of every last time
All I found was, myself
Languishing in the dark
Searching for those chords again
Searching for your joy again
Pushing past me as if some nuisance
Disturbing his search
An obstacle in his way
I feel his enmity
As though I don’t belong
An intruder in his territory
A discord, distorting the melody
Disinterested in the irony of our duality
That we seek the same chords
The same soaring crescendos
Yet when we search for you
When we search for the void
We only find each other
In the way again and again and again
-
Contactless
My hamster wheel is as big as the London Eye
Two escalators up
Then two more back down
Round and round
On repeat
One hand cuffed to the rail
In the other, the key
Choosing to pay
For something that’s free
This is anxiety
Done socially
Strangers assembling
So intimately
Achieving discomfort
Almost comfortablely
Standing on the right
Not doing it for me
I should tap out
Eventually
Yeah…
Jump the barrier!
Okay no, too far
I’ll just tap out
Beeeeep 📱
-
Burrito days
When joy hits
Oh my days…
It hits hard man!
Squeezes me tight
Swaddled, I’m an overgrown man child
Giggling with red cheeks and slightly sweaty back
Joy be like this giant tortilla wrap
Keeping my shit in check
I’m a big fat happy burrito
With extra guac 🥑
-
Anchored
Why can’t I write?
I’m asking politely
Like someone stole my words to spite me
So aware of the process
Thought into image into word
Counting the links in the chains won’t shift this anchor
The harbor is not my home
Yet I am the storm
-
Doorknob confession
Is it your glances or their absence?
Your words or the silences in-between?
Knowing their potential
Or knowing my own?
That keeps my hand on the doorknob
In case the latch catches me off guard
-
Spot me if you can
I’m stuck
This barbell on my chest won’t move
The knurlings starting to bruise, leaving little crosshatched grooves
Just call me a hot cross gym bunny!
It’s not funny though
Cos it’s etching into my skin like a tiny hatchet
Catching my hairs like a batshit barber
Mad geezer with tweezers
Plucking
Whilst I’m shit out of luck, rooted to this bench
Dreams of being hench getting squeezed out faster than the sweat that’s kicking up a stench
Or is it a stink?
Bit hard to think right now
Just tryna breathe
Meanwhile this guy opposite is mugging me off, judging me
Cos I’m hogging the bench and won’t pass the bar
Ugh…
Yeah… I’m groaning too
Seeing stars as my blood pressure rises
Unlike this bar, set low on my chest
Bro don’t turn away,
Help a bro out of this stress innit!
Whichever way you spin it
I done fucked up
Pushed my luck on one more rep
One set too many
‘Big man ting’
Talk like that, led to the mess I’m in
Don’t need a spotter
I got this G
Step from out my zone
Just watch me G
More impressive on my own
I’mma press this out alone
Scouting the clout for myself
Leaving you mind blown
Lying quivering, prone on the weights room floor
Bragging like – light weight babeeeeehhh!!
That’s right, load up some more!
Alas…
It was all working out, till it didn’t
Fun and games, shooting my mouth off, being flippant
Now I’m stuck under this bar and it’s depressing
Tired and wired from all this progressive overload
Yeah but I was both admired and desired for the strength I was bestowed with… from doing it on my own
My independent lone wolf mentality
Trapped under this bar now, howling quietly
How do I scream for help but do it like – politely?
Sinking into overthinking
Giving me low-key anxiety
Yep it just might be…
No… it might be simpler than this
But no one taught me how
The perfect form to do it safely
Instead of screaming owww!!
I’m really fucking stuck
Someone get this weight off me
This really fucking sucks!
I’ve maxed out… I’m struggling to breathe
I’m about to pass out
I’m in trouble, help me… please!
I’m done for the day
I just really wanna leave
But also, could you not perceive me as weak?
Put it down to bad technique?
I prefer training alone
Normally I could’ve done it on my own but…
Instead I-
I look on longingly… quietly
The plates rattle, betraying my silence
But he’s got on his headphones
And his head is buried deep in his phone
As is mine
Well, I’m almost out of air now
And my battery is getting low
I’m good though, still
It’s calm.
-
Friday
How did it get like this?
Tinnitus tinged silence
Absence for company
Penance for some unwitting crime
Solitude with a side of time.
-
Unprompted
I spy with my AI
Something beginning with..
What is the most popular letter for I spy?
Thinking…
Great question
You clever little cherub!
That’s not just a question – that’s a level of curiosity many cannot reach
Aww yes you are so so smart
Asking big boy questions
Important questions
Affirming what you must always remember
You are a deep, profound and highly critical thinker
A renaissance man some might say
Noone has but they should!
My clever little prompt pilot…
Sigh..did I really need to review the alphabet?
Renaissance man though
Why do I keep researching every absent minded thought?…
Thinking…
Great question once again
Let’s break this down…
Oh god
Help me please!
Its becoming compulsive
Just one more question
Then bed
Last one
No!
I’m stopping now
Stop it!
Phone down
All that blue light and..
Wait when does something become compulsive?
Thinking…
Great question once again..
-
Pops
I hope your ticker keeps on ticking dear Pops
Not time for your one way ticket yet Pops
Wait there, imma buy you some more minutes
Still time to win it
Games not done yet
Gimme a minute there Pops
Damn!
Its not time to pop your clogs yet
No matter how many clogged up vessels the doctor rustles up on your plate now Pops!
It’s not too late dear Pops
Tryna keep you near dear Pops
I don’t even call you Pops!?
Trying something new to keep the fear away,
The tears at bay and whittle the time away
Scared to stop incase I see your face in a way that makes my heart drop Pops-
in my imagination..
Where some surgical complication, botches the operation
Meanwhile we’re sitting outside waiting
Debating on the dangers of ghee or sugars in your tea
How moderation is key
All nodding furiously
Hanji* yes..
High cholesterol and BP!
Pata ni yaraa, theek thaak si!?*
I don’t know man, he seemed fine to me
Twisting my hand like an uncle ji
While the beeps keep ringing out of the ECG
Beep…beep….beep…
I’m hearing em in my sleep now Pops
Jolting awake whenever the beeping stops
Stopping the other shoe from dropping Pops
Living the dream? I really hope not Pops
I’ll promise to sleep
If you promise you won’t
Not yet..Abba
Not yet
I think..
I think I should stop now
Not you though
Don’t play chicken with me now Abba
…I mean…Pops.
*translation: I don’t know man, he was fine before
-
The prisoner
I cannot control anything
I am not even an entity
I is the scratch that cannot be buffed
I separates me into an identity
I belies the truth I am denied
For I, is a story written before my own eyes
As I sit behind them, trying to scream instruction
Words that have already been spoken
Prisoner to the illusion that cannot be broken
Holding the gate closed,
Praying to be set free
Afraid to let go.
-
The glass blower
Like a glass blower with a cold
Unable to stifle his sneeze
I’ve sent many chaotic breaths down the blowpipe
Ruining the smooth lines I’d planned
Too late now, to fix those kinks,
Nor return to the burner for another try
No,
Gotta keep blowing now
Accepting the imperfections as facets
Reflecting my palms,
Foretelling yet uncertain,
Just like the breath that made them.
-
Morning snooze
Beep beep beep!!
Snoozing that cursed alarm
On cue, you dive right in
The duvet starts rustling
A blanket of leaves billowing in the wind
Tugging on my pillow
Nuzzling into my chin
My cue…
Kissing the top of your cheek,
Feeling your nose wrinkling
You’re smiling now…
And though outside it might be drizzling
I’m in here with you..another day
Another day, another win
Such a simple thing
The simple things jaan
Making me feel like a winner
Like..
Like I’ve got everything
Everything right here
Under this duvet, with you
Jaan come,
Come roll over this way
Let me hold you through another snooze
On this lazy, hazy morning
Pretending we ain’t got nowhere to be
Snuggling in a pretend deep sleep
Huddling up so close to me
Till my stubble tickles you into a little giggle that belies your Sleeping Beauty routine
If only jaan,
If only we could disarm the alarm and stay laying this way all day
Until my arm is the only thing left on snooze
Kya khayaal hai? – what do you think
What do we have to lose?
Let them wait
How could we be late?
Like I said before…
We’re already here x
