Through the needle your story is woven
Not a sound is heard yet your story is spoken
The threads tell tales of your joys and pains..how sad is it then that through all of this; the silence between us remains unbroken
What do you know of I and I of you?
Perhaps the silence keeps us honest
When your eyes look into mine
All we can share are our truths
Category: Experiences
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The Weaver
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Alvida
There’s still a little flame that burns me
A faded light that turns my attention elsewhere
Where I face obverse to where I travel
Though the road unravels ahead
The dim flicker of the old flame kept my eyes aglow
Bends in the road and I stumbled
Fumbling as though blind, though I still see a light
..fading..
the wick barely sticking to the droplets of wax, where once stood a pillar
My beacon once illuminated the sky and now it’s going to cease to be
And I watch..waiting to see it extinguish
In all its diminished glory
The lonely page at the end of the story
The flame wisps and whispers, breathing its last
Yet tomorrow is almost here
And I’ll have no need for candles
-
In plain sight
Sitting very still
The embodiment of tranquility
Awash in silence
Becoming nothing
So lost as to become everything
As pervasive as daylight
As veiled as the night
At peace in solitude
At one with it all
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Round 1
Thirteen going on thirty,
His fluffy beard is kinda dirty
It belies that he’s a baby
But his dad won’t let him shave itSummers round the corner
with the weather getting warmer
The kitchens looking worn,
so he’s busy decoratingSanding paint and peeling paper
Playing catch-up with the neighbours,
An expert with the scraper
He leans further from his stoolFrom the lounge emerge faint noises,
It’s his parents rising voices,
Dad is getting restless
But its mum that makes the rulesSkilfully surreptitious
Hearing words that sound malicious
The mood darkens to become vicious
He’s refereed this match beforeNothing seems amiss
When he’s greeted by red mist,
Caught up amidst the fists,
As they continue to even the scoreSuppressing waves of fear
Prying fingers he holds dear
Catching an elbow to the ear
He begins to sense the toneParting the two beasts
He tries to make the peace
‘Help me hello police!?’
His mother screams down the phoneOut of the frying pan and into the fire
As if the situation wasn’t dire
Now he’s to judge who is the liar
Time is not his friendBetween a hard place and a rock
Keeping one eye on the clock
Suddenly hearing the dreaded knock
It’s time to play pretendSo his mother isn’t well
She didn’t mean to yell
That bruise is cos she fell
All in all she’s quite worn outNow you can’t deny
That dad has a black eye
But he’ll merely testify
That dad is clumsy without a doubtServing lies up on a platter
So charming with his chatter
Pretending it doesn’t matter
He has to bite his tongueGritted teeth distort his smile
The officer senses his beguile
But before she can put him to trial
Mum admits that she was wrongShe didn’t mean to call
She was confused after her fall
Of course there wasn’t a brawl
She says sorry and shrinks awayJust 15 minutes before
Dad was begging on the floor
He would never blame mum again he swore
It was groundhog DayThe officers hands were tied
She knew that mum had lied
Justice would be denied
But she had no other choiceShe consoled the boy in the hall
And though he was 6ft tall
He seemed so very small
And somehow lost his voiceHe wanted her to know
That this was all for show
And was begging her not to go
But his lips they never movedIn silence he stood and stared
At those for which he cared
Rooted as if he were snared
Waiting for the inevitable, round number two
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And so we swayed
The sun came down and the dust settled for a moment
Sitting still..so very still in the light of a thousand fireflies that waltzed through the whisps of lingering clouds
Seemingly caressing one another in an ethereal embrace
The grass cooled my hands
The air kissed my skin as gently as it could
Each breeze teased with a touch
Not long enough to know but enough to yearn for more
As the dusk succumbed to memory, we dancedThe cacophony of music and chatter blended into a divine melody
The jarring sparring of sounds held hands and swayed,
Feeling compelled I decided to do the same
There were no sparks when our hands touched
Electricity would be overstating
It was peace
An undeniable yet undescribable sensation both known and a stranger
My heart slowed as did my breath
This present would not be lost to history yet
Her head resting on my chest steadied me further still
This serene moment was ours
Below the stars yet above all the noise
Cocooned inside a symphony of our own volition, we swayed
And time stepped back
She looked up and held me in her regard
Her eyes a contradiction of power and vulnerability
Breathlessly she uttered ‘I will always lift you up’..
All I could do was press a kiss atop her crown
My words she stole away along with the air to power them
And so we swayedAt some point fireworks dimmed the stars
And a cheer echoed into the night I think..
In all honesty these trivial details elude me
And I have no qualms, for that moment with her in my arms, as I was lost in her disarming eyes will be enough
That moment when only the stars could reach us
That moment when we held hands and swayed
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Ma
Selfishly Ma, I want to tell you all
Breaking your heart into shards that will make you bleed
You raised a man to be proud of I hope
But in truth I’m nothing, nothing like the template you cut me from
A failure in your eyes?
Welling up, the heartbreak would drown you and I
The truth of myself is not what you expected
A charade, a show, a charlatan
How I wish you knew me
Though knowing that knowing me would destroy all you know
I guess I will continue with the show
I love you too much to let me hurt you
My head sits on your shoulder
And it feels like no-one has ever been closer
Yet in truth I’m so far from you and the older I become
The harder it is to play dumb
To play the son you wanted
Trying to be numb to the lie that ties us
To be blind to all that divides us
A commotion, a fuss thats really all pretend
Regardless of it all Ma, I’m yours..
Devoted till the end
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The little sofa
When we sat on that little sofa, forever struggling to find a comfy yet romantic position
Sometimes your head ended up in my armpit,
or my big hand would block the TV
Try as we might, we just didn’t fit on that little sofa
The sofa on which you could stretch like a cat in pure nirvana
And then along I’d come to swallow up all the space and squish your glasses, in what I thought was a loving embrace
More like a chokehold I guess
Eventually grumbling we’d give up and sit up
Then inevitably like the night before
Your head would sway and slide down my shoulder
Another movie night ending within the first 5 minutes – for you at least
Eventually comes the little snore as you’d begin to dribble
But I dare not move and ruin this moment
To see you in total restful bliss
Giving you a butterfly kiss, I’d look on and be overwhelmed by the warmth of you
Your ugly, peaceful sleeping gurn was what it was all about
On that little sofa, was once our little world
And now we sit worlds apart
Torn from that little world we made our own
To make our own way now, alone
The adventure is thrilling and yes the seas have been rough yet I always make it to the shore in the end
So it seems strange, how it’s on these sandy beaches where I find myself sinking sometimes
Reminiscing about that little sofa once more.
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Nostalgia #3
Nostalgia the guest arriving unexpected
Cowering yet pigeon chested
Memories cherished and time tested
Accruing interest over time, fighting the haze and commotion of lesser thoughts
Impressive in their claims
Famous to those that recall the tall tales of endless nights
Senseless tantalising trips down memory lane
Severing themselves from the fact, barely intact,
Bordering on lies, nostalgia serves pain dressed as pleasure
A memento mori
A tearful story
Wiping away it’s suffering
And smiling as you look into it’s eyes
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Moon dreams
You
Me
And a moonlit night
Opened my eyes and it was only the moon and I
With jasmine on the wind…
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HSBS
It’s 5.30 on a Thursday and there’s one thing on my brain.
Wine beers, banter cheers! Chatting shit until the room spins, necking gin until your puking. Open bar open season. Switch off your mind no need for reason.
Just heading down and I get collared. Mr Project Manager hollers that I have to see a client tomorrow.
‘There will be other agencies there too, we need you to represent the crew’.
Im thinking ‘Yeah safe.. another meeting where I sit in silence, while some suits start chatting finance and I’m wondering what the time is and why I’m even here.’
I mean ‘Cool I’ll see you in the morning but for now I’ll have a beer’.At 10am I stumble into Canary Wharf, completely dwarfed by the towers all around. Surrounded by the sound of shuffling grey suits and the impatient pounding of patent leather boots.
Altogether it was too much for my sore head to take, however the devil always wants his due and it was my bed to make.After a little getting lost and a pitstop for a coffee, It finally stands before me. HSBC.
Cutting to the chase, here we are now face to face, with a client called Marley, flanked by his three little birds.
Each an expert in their field he claimed, as was I apparently, allegedly, in web accessibility.
Unaware of this horrific oversell, the experts and stakes. My blasé attitude the night before was beginning to look like a mistake.
I didn’t know who these people were and why we’re even here. So thirsty for the beer, I made a pig’s ear of being prepared.
Overconfident in my assumption of the bit part I would play.
My ass now Marley would hand to me on a shiny silver tray.
‘So Hammez, today i want to know that you truly are the best.
The spotlight is on you now, I’m putting you to the test. Does your agency belong at the table? We’ll find out soon enough, now bend over and sorry not sorry but this is going to be rough.’
What the fuck? How the fuck? Surely this man is joking.
So I start to talk but I can barely breathe, oh dear god I think I’m choking!
My throat starts to close and bereft of all thoughts my mind begins to clear. An empty chamber with me in the middle surrounded by empty bottles of beer.
My knees were weak and my arms were heavy, but I’m no Eminem, so I passed the mic along and waited for the ground to swallow me.Marley laughed and I hated him.
My crew too who sat back to enjoy the view.
As the big red bus they threw me under, broke my spine in two.
If only they had warned me that this Marley’s got no chill. That he gets his thrills, from grilling you, until your smoked.
Perhaps I would have done my homework, perhaps I wouldn’t have choked.
But I should have cared enough to ask and put my ego in my pocket. Maybe I would have had the words and the power in me to stop it.
Instead of being so cocksure and ending up looking like a cock for sure, I might have actually prevailed.
But in the end I failed to prepare and ultimately I prepared to fail.
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City of lights
In the city of lights where nothing is seen
Between the dust and the horns, the noise and the blinkers
No-one looks at each other with eyes of compassion
Hardened by the status quo of dog eat dog
Right and wrong etched into stone for all of time
We are one and they are the other
Humanity on our side and servitude for our brothers
Borrowing styles of former masters
Beating ourselves with the canes they left behind
Compassion at a premium, empathy a luxury not worth pursuing
‘If not us then someone else’,
Says the next door neighbour, in futile justification of a jurisprudence seeking to maintain a power-balance with the weights clearly on a single end of the scales.
Heavy pockets, heavy bodies but light of heart
There are no lights in the city of lights
Only fireflies lost in the dust
Burning one another in the hopes of finding the moon alone
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A solitary drop
You say even a drop is a sin
So tell me this oh wise one
How else should I numb my faculties
When this reflection seems to me a stranger
Why should I feel the desperate pull of my heart, as it stands on a cliffs edge?
Nothing seems to have changed in all this time
Though I’m sure the marble slab said the same as it observed the chisels edge
Day by Day another piece falls underfoot
Not enough to stumble but still it stings
But still even a drop is a sin
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Waves
The cotton sheets lay crisp between us
A glistening drifting strait between us
Along the shore
I see a setting sun between us
And all promises left adrift between us
The sky’s aglow in the colour of your eyes
Eyes gazing across the rift between us
Eyes that were once a bridge between us
Turning away
Saying goodbye
Now teardrops fill oceans between us
And I don’t know how to swim
The waves are far too strong between us
So my heart sinks and sinks and sinks
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Moments
Sometimes I can’t catch a moment and months fly by
And then like dust in the wind it gets right in my eyes announcing it’s sudden arrival
Yet those moments in which I’m lost in thought about my love
Those are the strangest sweetest pains of all
At once the sensation of having no ground strong enough to catch the sinking feelings and then it catch me all the same
Bittersweet nostalgia of all yesterday’s laughter and love swirling above my head
Though time after time I see more and more that is not fragment of memory but a fictitious few seconds of a moment that never happened
I realise now that these fleeting seconds are hope
Hope of days to come when my love and I will chase the sun and leave the lonely nights behind
Those are my most cherished moments
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The Bus stop
I’ll be waiting by the bus stop
Come find me if you can
Opposite the gift shop
Come find the lonely manIt’s Wednesday night once again
And that means date night you see
I’ll be waiting for my best friend
Look for me by our treeThe one on which we carved our names
Down by the waters edge
Where we once danced unashamed
Where you fell in to my arms outstretchedI’ll be holding autumnal flowers
As the summer has drifted away
Come soon though, it’s been 8thousand hours
And my beard grows greyer by the dayBuzz me in, I’ll be outside your gate
With two rollies in my pocket
It’s cold out here and getting late
And all I have left, is your picture in my wallet
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In time
The following poem is a tribute to my grandmother, who I unfortunately only got to meet once in my life because she lived in Burma and it was nearly impossible at the time to visit. She passed before I could meet her again..
Eyes on the departure board
Tripping on the uneven curb
Kicked up dust ambles into amber hues of sunset
It hits me
As unexpected as the last time
Yet familiar
The same swell of feelings, teasing each other, daring each other to unleash all they remember
In that plume of dust, the curb vanishes
The phone in my hand morphs into a tattered passport
The train station dissolves in a blink and I’m now seated, looking over my shoulder at a hazy figure, gradually diminishing from view
Sweating in the heat of this rusting old car, I wipe my brow, for I must see
An acrid smell of petrol distracts for a moment; a moment too precious to lose, since the distance will only grow now
Fighting against the bumpy road, I crane my neck further still
I can see her hand gently waving, as she takes another weary step into the dust trail left behind.
The same gentle hand that was a stranger to me not long before this moment
The same hand that somehow became the safest, warmest and most giving that I can recall
Her hand
That had nothing to give me, yet gave me more than I deserved all the same
Her hand falls to her face, as her face falls into her shoulders
The weariness of age played it’s part
Yet there was more to this dejected posture and faltering of steps than my young mind would allow itself to believe
She knew this was the last goodbye
Time would not be kind enough to wait for her
For any of us
Alas I was naively convinced that time was immaterial
Just a vessel with man at the helm
A plane, through which we chose our paths.
As devoid of purpose as a road with no-one to tread it
I was mistaken
The humble warmth of her smile belonged to time, as much as it did to my own memory
My memories, belonging as much to time as to myself
For in time they will fade
The distance between the memory of her and the present will only grow now
More dust will be kicked up as time moves forward
The finer details of her face will be lost in the haze; her touch will remain but the texture of her hands will elude me
Chipped away by the chisel of time; all that will survive is her essence
The only eternal amidst the flecks of forgotten memories
Now the dust trail fades, as her silhouette is swallowed by a fast rising sun
I have to relent and turn away from this abrupt blaze of light
The sun draws closer and closer until it rushes past my face with a howl and suddenly my train arrives.
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The morning
I’m on the bus this morning
Like every morning
Like everyone else…
I like to think I’m like everyone else
…on the bus this morning
I like to say it’s the morning
Though its way past dawn and
I think I’m gonna be late again.
Juxtaposed against the sunny sky, is my head this morning
A big old foggy mess, before the caffeine hit
See I’m just like everyone else
Like everyone else on the bus this morning
Barely blinking, head bobbing, mouth gawping
Ratty whilst racing to work this morning
Just trying to buy my freedom…
Freedom from the bus for one morning
From the gawping, bobbing fog for one morning
From turning like a cog for one morning
Freedom to be me.
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Little one
You must have heard how rough it can be
How tough it may seem sometimes
How fragile we are, though born from the stars and how we’ve lost our shine
How there’ll be lies and deceit and dirt on your feet, from steps where you will stumble
How there’ll be lies you are told and words that are cold and times where you’ll feel humbled
But don’t give in, this is a game you can win and there are so many hands to guide you
Willing you on like words to a song
We are a chorus right behind you!
Afraid as well, you can probably tell, that we will never see you grow
So please don’t run we’ll have so much fun.
Please…just say hello.
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Night Drive
Three in the morning and we’ve done it again
The same promise we secretly promised to break
Tiredness never reaches the eyes
Or it does but we choose to pretend
Holding her in my eyes, as if one glance away will steal her from me
Never breathing deep, as the butterflies won’t rest in my chest
Struggling to maintain mystery, as my mouth keeps giving away the rest
Walking her to my car a thought tickles me
Has anyone else ever noticed how her eyes bewitch under a street light?
Even In that dull orange glow
Somehow she steals the show
There go the butterflies again
Breathe now Hammez, breathe
Finally in my Bentley, or so it feels right now
We take the same left turn and ride into the night.
Never quite sure what my DJ has in store
Deep dirty beats or a cheese filled score
Ah, If only I was a chameleon man
I’d easily keep one eye on her and the other on the road
Stealing glances at red lights, never quite enough
Smiling, singing, teasing, giggling
My co pilot, my confidante
As I shift gears her hand holds mine
I’m no believer but surely this is a sign
Reaching her home
Reaching in for a kiss
‘Keep the lights off’ she insists
Undercover lovers
Reminiscing another night under the covers
I drive home wondering how there were ever any others
Ask me what it is she possesses
That has me lost in her caresses
I’ll start with my heart
You fill in the rest.
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