If I were to love with just my senses, then I’d forget you at goodbye
Senses are mere vessels to manifest you into this world
Goodbyes have no place here
Category: Experiences
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Senses
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Long road
Nothing changed yet everything did
As I took each turn in the road
Every last time was always on time
As I took each turn on the road
Your names reclaimed, only memories remained
As I took each turn in the road
Never again was never the end
Another friend fell behind at the bend
To walk alone
Are we the condemned?
I still look for you at the turn in the road..
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The Cave
Love yourself
Love myself?
Love the shadows on the wall?
What’s casting them?
Is it me?
My self?
My ego?
Is it everything?
Is loving myself turning around?
I wish I knew how to turn this thing around
I have to admit, I don’t love this
The shadows are too black and white
I want to feel the heat of the fire on my face
Look beyond the flames and see
See Everything
See it for what it really is
Unchained and unfettered
Maybe, see what’s worth loving?
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Elders
Am I now the elder I looked up to?
Man it don’t feel that way
I wonder, were they fucked up too?
Did they feel they strayed, often lay awake afraid thinking that they’re corrupt too?
Running out of elders to ask now
I ran out on my own, to own it alone
Now I’m home alone in a home on loan
Due on rent but never paid due to my ‘rents
Or did I? It’s hard to say
Look, it was hard to stay
It was inevitable we’d part ways
I wanted to say I did it my way
But my way meant the highway
Cos conditions weren’t good for me to thrive
Cos I was conditioned to just ‘be good’ to survive
When I hit the highway though..man I never felt so alive
Driving my hand me down
Wishing they could see me now
1.6 Ford focus zetec
Telling myself it’s my time
It’s me next
I’m gonna smash the world
Gonna get me a girl
And all the basics a twenty something gets gassed about
15 years later I’ve got a hangover and a stitch
Man I’m gassed out
I need to stretch it out
Downward dog this thing
Sometimes, I feel I’m barking mad
Happy half the time and for that I’m glad
Grateful for the memories when I’m feeling sad
Sometimes, I think I’m just like my dad
He’s mad anxious and introspective
Reflective to the point that he’s ineffective
I can only see myself though, I’m being selfish
Cos beyond all his doubts he has forgiveness, kindness and a compassionate ease
Thank you dad, for giving me a piece of your mind
It’s not a sickness
It’s not a disease
Just gotta keep it in check
And forgive it sometimes
Give it some time
Help it not relive all the times
Maybe perhaps just stick it in a rhyme?
Shit that was deep for me..
Like something an elder would say?
Maybe one day
Now let me go dye those greys
Oh..wait..
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Coveting nostalgia
Pain embrace the warmth of rays that beseech your clouds to part
Intertwine your fingers with her and tell the rains no more
Learn how to love the memories and yearn to form a scar
You grow listless lost in this wistful mist
Seek solace in the chapters closed, for you rode the pen to the end
Now draw in this night and seek the dawn of the next
Let the bitter slowly sweeten, for we are broken now but we are surely not yet beaten
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Limelight
Everyone tells me it’s simple
It’s seems so simple in theory
In a feeling, in a poem, in my heart I feel it all
So why won’t my mind let me believe?
Why does it fight love with fear?
I just want to be here and live the story
Not write my own
It’s a vast stage already
Why do I insist on doing improv in the cloakroom?
You can’t have dialog while reciting a soliloquy
Hear what is said and not what you think
That’s what I think people try to say
Reality is out there but what is real?
Their version or mine?
I have to trust that they nor I know
Yet we have to trust the dialog and engage
Here comes the fear demanding certainty
This floor open to unpredictability overwhelms me
Or is it you fear, that is overwhelmed?
I’m curious to see down the road
You wish to know it all before you know
See the end before we’re into the second act
At least read a review first
Yet this stage never ends
Exit stage left brings us right back to where we are
So next time let’s stay in the limelight a little longer
Or shall I say, I stay in the limelight
I can hold your hand in the shadow if you want?
But you follow me
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Snakes and platters
Spinning plates in the dark isn’t easy
Down here with the snakes and crawling things
Do I spin or find the floor?
Could someone lend an ear?
All I hear is hissing
Listen for me please?
Those plates won’t spin themselves
Which one will fall?
Which one is out of control?
In the dark there’s more questions than answers
Endlessly spinning
Waltzing in this vortex of plates and snakes
I’m getting dizzy
But I can’t find the floor
And those plates won’t spin themselves
I said that already
But I can’t find the floor
And those plates won’t spin themselves..
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My frienemy
I want to say I’m sorry
I never thought how hard it must be
All you do is worry
Worry about me
Your existence could seem a curse
Not everyone’s cup of tea
But you did not choose this life
The life of anxiety
You wake up and you’re worried
As you scurry to knock on my door
I rarely choose to listen
Seriously though, what for?
All you do is plan
Or dig up shit I regret
When all I really want to do
Is close my eyes and forget
Forget about tomorrow
Or the sorrows of yesterday
Some heat I’d like to borrow
Yet you have none to my dismay
But today I had a thought about you
Oh devil upon my shoulder
Perhaps you don’t always hold me back
Perhaps you could make me bolder?
I don’t know when I decided
Decided to close the door
As if by pushing you aside
I would be able to rest assured
In times of crisis you’ve been there
When I felt lost you found me
When my mind is racing with fear
You knew what to do to ground me
We’d sit together and make a plan
Using the past for a new tomorrow
Remembering all the cracks in the road
Never painting over the sorrow
You’ve had my back from the day I was born
Quietly by my side
Lately though you’ve been feeling low
And I did nothing as you sat and cried
Your worries grew worse
As did your regrets
And all I did was deny you
I slammed the door
To block out your voice
All that did was terrify you
I never stopped to ask you why
Why do you feel this way?
Where those worries came from
Or why they won’t go away
You wanted to talk
I wanted to run
Foolishly I tried to hide
When all along
I was all sorts of wrong
Not seeing it’s in me you reside
You are my friend
You are not my enemy
Sometimes you get worked up
But against me…you will never be
We’ve seen some shit
And you remember it
Even if I refuse
But if I leave you to it again
Again we both will lose
So hold me to this
That I will listen, when you need an ear
We’ll figure it out
Try to to clear up the doubts
In an embrace we’ll face the fears
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Go back to Africa
Oi Paki, Go back to Africa!
What?!
Why you shouting at me?
Man what’s your problem?
Besides shit geography
Why you deriding my ancestry?
Ancestry
It means where my heritage is from
Heritage is..tut
Come school more init dumb dumb!
Learn a bit of history
Let’s solve that mystery
Instead of spitting my way
Like some sort of enemy
Like some sort of damn monkey
Irony
That you call me gorilla
But it’s you making chimp noises
Three apes and not one is me
Fuck geography
Watch some Attenborough
Get basics on zoology
Nah it’s not the study of zoos
Put down the zoot
Your dumbness isn’t cute
You racist waste of air
Let’s face it, life isn’t fair
Just cos you’re fair
You get more than your fair share
And some to spare
I don’t mean cash, although the stats say you do
I know your broke
Your dad’s on coke and mums battered
In more ways than one
And you’re their only wasteman son
It’s fair to say fair boy
That you ain’t won
But you don’t even know your white
Do you?
Like Harry potter’s invisibility cloak
The world sees straight through you
What’s that like?
It’s gotta be nice man
To not wake up and think..shit
I’m still a paki
Not that im ashamed
But why do I gotta represent all of us?
Or answer for all of us?
You, white boy, you’ll never know
You’re out of their sights boy
So in a way you’ll never grow
Grow a thick skin and internalised hatred
The kind that burns inside kind of hatred
The why me god, I hate myself kind of hatred
You got your own battles
Yet you beat on me
You hurt, so you hurt
Bro why cant you see?
Poor white boys and poor pakis
Different branches same tree
I’m Yorkshire, you’re Tetleys
Just not your cuppa tea!
Seriously though
Pay attention in geography!
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Cornershop blues
Bruv!
You think the dark is coming out?
My eyes man look
They don’t twinkle no more
Wrinkled like the little black bag from the *offy
Probably got the same contents too
A special brew cocktail
Rolly* after rolly
Holy moly and all that Molly
Keep rolling mate!
Covered in snow and it’s spring
Holidays are coming
And I’ve got the sniffles again
Flying with the kites
My mouth shooting shots
Till I empty my magazine
Cos vices got me twisted
I swear it was a detour but man I think I’ve drifted
The mood shifted
I was so fucked I missed it
Till I fell out of the sky
And my black eyes cried
And the shakes reached my heart
Breaching the barriers
No *tinnies left in my carrier bag to mask it
These chills that got inside of me
They told me it’s called anxiety
They told me it’s gonna die with me
But it will off me first
Offering to quench my thirst
Like the offy where it started.
So that’s where I’m headed…*offy – off license / liquor store
*rolly – rolled cigarette
*tinny – beer can
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Qué sera?
Searching for tomorrow
Daydreaming through today
Feels like I live half my life
And think the rest away..
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Ode to a Reverie
Reverie, oh reverie!
Once you did not mean much to me
Be it verbose or full of brevity
Your flights brimmed with possibility
Never knowing the trajectory
Mixing like an apothecary
Making melodies out of memories
Allowing hell to feel heavenly
Releasing shackles of reality
Letting my eyes reflect fantasy
Reverie oh reverie!
Never ever let me be
Your name may have eluded me
Though my heart always knew how much you meant to me.
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The lineup
Standing in the dusty light waiting
Confused
Debating the purpose of the circus to come
‘Bring them in’ a gravelly voice strains
An insane clown posse shuffles through the door
Oh my god, it can’t be
Erm, what’s the deal officer?
What is the meaning of all this?
These faces
Intimately known
Infinitely bound
One by one, the visages raise their gazes
Mirages of stories told and left unsaid
Shackled in time
Wracking my mind, I recall them one by one
The gravelly voice rises once more
Well?!
Who was the villain?
Who broke the camel’s back?
I was dumbfounded
‘Erm, officer what do I make of this parade?
Seriously, what is this charade all about?’
Without stuttering he repeats the question
Who is the villain?
Now, I feel them
Eyes on me
All eyes on me
Questioning gazes
Searching gazes that cannot find me
Amused, bemused, indifferent even
I can’t bring myself to meet them
Eyes, I’d once greeted with an embrace
Faces, I thought once mine
I turn away
Breathing deep, the gravity of it all
Perturbed, by the brevity of this farcical situation
I honour their gazes
One by one
I meet their eyes with no challenge and no pain
‘Officer‘
Turning to the gravelly voice I confess,
‘This mess has no villain nor victim
I say, convict them
They say, convict him
Villains to me
Or I to them
Officer this dualism does not suffice
So let’s not sacrifice a soul for a soul
A what for a why
An eye for an eye
Intentions lost, in unintentional damage
Imaginary friends, faded into memory
Let them go officer
A one way mirror, is not befitting of a glass house’
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Mansion
I live in beautiful mansion
Ornate, magnificent and grande
With a library the world envies
Chapters and verses of glory and wonder
History piled high to the rafters
A dining room with every food I adore
A gallery of portraits and landscapes
Exquisite, absurd, inspiring and surreal
Leading into the garden below
Brimming with blooms and blossoms
And a chorus of bird song soaring from the trees
Yet, I find myself here in the crypts
Keeping the skeletons company
Searching the walls for a door
And my candle just went out
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Losing myself
I’m not me
Was I ever?
Me has been a boy
A man
A thousand faces
Never changing
Never the same
You know me
He knows me
She knows me
They all know faces
Faces in spaces and time
Was it me?
When was me?
The boy in the space jam pyjamas?
The romantic?
The villain?
Hurt or hurting?
Comparing or contrasting?
I don’t know me
The idea of me
As if I am
I wonder what I would ask
If I were to be acquainted with I
Would I believe in I
Or you
All of you I’ve known
Thought to be true
Avatars
Energies
Faces in spaces and time
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A shot for hope
Sitting here again
Thinking, drinking
Smoking something straight up stinking
Reminiscing all the faces that be missing from my life
Spinning stories of strife on the edge of knife
Carving off the fat to show the starving soul
The story untold
The voice that’s never heard, it’s absurd all the words that we use
More red herrings than clues that we use to confuse
Hiding all the skeletons cos that shits too gory
Dressing it up in synonyms
You say it’s allegory
It’s simple really
I’m sick of feeling sad
Sick of waiting for the sun
Sick of pretending to be glad
Sick of people being sick
And coughing up their lungs
Sick of missing all the laughter
Sick of worrying about my mum
Sick of seeing people dying
Sick of coffins on the news
Sick of not seeing anyone
Sick of the world being stuck on snooze
Sick of hearing about the sickness
Sick of the hate and all the lies
Sick of sitting here just sitting
Sick of being too scared to go outside
Feeling restless and lazy it amazes me how the days gone by are one big hazy mess
Distressed I confess I fear I’m far less than who I was
It’s just my anxiety man
It shouldn’t scare me but it does
There I said it
I spoke it into existence
Some days are heavenly but others I have to be persistent
Resisting the urge to sit quietly and listen to the words it puts in my head
I have to fight hard to seize the day
And believe in myself instead
For the love of life and for the love of my life
Since this day is all there is
There’s gotta be a better way
Man this ain’t no way to live
Here’s to hoping so let me just say
I hope that we can dance again
Hope that we can laugh again
Hope to wipe your tears with my own hands when we can hug again
Hope that you’re still friends of mine
Hope that we can jam sometime
Hope that we can say we’re not ok and not just say I’m fine
Hope that we will fly some day
Drink cocktails in the sea some day
Hope that I can learn to swim and chase you down the beach some day
Hope there’s queues outside the bars
Hope that we can see the stars
Hope that all the wounds can heal
And all we have to show is scars
Hope we see some better times
Hope I write some happy rhymes
Hope to reminisce about all this like it was all a dream sometime.
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Whispers
They say the time and tide waits for no-one
Damn I wish I learned how to swim
The waters up to my neck now
Chances are looking slim
Treading water but I’m tired
Dreading this day I never desired
I’d be a liar if I said I felt inspired
Today is not my day and I wonder where it went
Reminiscing glory that felt heaven sent
Feeling spent I protest that it was stolen
Give it back
I did not consent
Resenting the demons that whisper
‘You’ve got sweet nothing’ into my ear
Sending shivers of fear and dread
Whispers I used to fight but instead,
they career through me as if the demons knew me all along
Where did I go wrong?
Where did I go wrong?
Now Im tagging along
As if I actually belong
Trying to borrow a bit of heat
But this defeat is cold man
Feeling redundant and old man
I’m trying to tread but I don’t think this thread is gonna hold man
More sinking than swimming
My head is spinning
Legs seized
Im about to freeze and fall
This can’t be all I am but the demons tell me so
Well wishers say no but they’ll eventually leave
Throwing in their 2 cents but they’re so naive
I can’t hear their wishes the demons are too loud
I gotta fight them but right now I’m too bowed
Showing preference to deference I’m at their whim and mercy
I was bested once but now it’s just me that hurts me
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The Firefly
I’m not angry with you anymore
I’m at a loss and disappointed
I know you don’t care
Most likely you don’t even know
I mean, I’m barely a speck of dust you’ve traversed through
What do you know of I?
If we stood eye to eye, would you even see me?
Of all the fireflies crowding your skies
How often do you notice the ones whose lights go out?
All you can see are the joyful
Illuminating your night-scape
Those without a torch are lost
Invisible to you
Though as I said
You probably never saw us
I’ve no-one to turn to in complaint
Nor would I want to dim their lights by getting too close
The torch I carry is no longer a beacon
But a relic
It’s long lost its heat
Just a crisp, oiled rag, sodden and defused
How unfortunate and bemusing
I suppose the only way to relight my torch is to keep flying
Let the breeze dry the tears as I tear through the dark
But sometimes I get tired you see
I cannot see where I’m going like I could before
The torch feels heavy without light
And the glare off others can overwhelm and blind me
So I need to sit and breathe but that is when the clouds come
Suddenly the north star fades completely and raindrops fall around me
I try to shelter my torch but it gets wet again
The weight grows again
Making my arms hurt again
I cannot see others down here but they are here for sure
More and more fall from the sky
Some still have the strength to land as do I
Others weakened by the darkness land hard
Helping one another maybe we can dry our torches?
Perhaps we can rise together and share the load
Like an extinguished phoenix rising from the ashes
With dreams of bursting through the clouds and into the sun
Reigniting our torches and joining the dance once more
The thought makes me hopeful
Today I’m not so sure
My arms hurt
I think I need to rest again
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