People give space when you look like me
I’m pretty big and broad you see
I saunter at a leisurely pace
Lumbering like a gorilla on a Sunday stroll
You wouldn’t ask me the time or to take a picture
Now that’s not to say I look mean
I’m harmless but I guess you see the potential
Calculate the risk and give me a wider berth
The armour I’ve built is doing its job I guess
A little too well
I designed it to shield myself and those I love
A human shield you could say
So impenetrable it seems that even kindness can’t get in
You won’t see me and offer a word of comfort
Or an offer to join you
At most a smile to pacify the big man sitting alone
In hopes he smiles back and leaves you alone
I see you shifting anxiously so I bury myself in my phone
Catching my big man’s reflection
Remembering what you see
For I am invisible
But not the big man
Tag: experience
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The big man
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The Cave
Love yourself
Love myself?
Love the shadows on the wall?
What’s casting them?
Is it me?
My self?
My ego?
Is it everything?
Is loving myself turning around?
I wish I knew how to turn this thing around
I have to admit, I don’t love this
The shadows are too black and white
I want to feel the heat of the fire on my face
Look beyond the flames and see
See Everything
See it for what it really is
Unchained and unfettered
Maybe, see what’s worth loving?
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Elders
Am I now the elder I looked up to?
Man it don’t feel that way
I wonder, were they fucked up too?
Did they feel they strayed, often lay awake afraid thinking that they’re corrupt too?
Running out of elders to ask now
I ran out on my own, to own it alone
Now I’m home alone in a home on loan
Due on rent but never paid due to my ‘rents
Or did I? It’s hard to say
Look, it was hard to stay
It was inevitable we’d part ways
I wanted to say I did it my way
But my way meant the highway
Cos conditions weren’t good for me to thrive
Cos I was conditioned to just ‘be good’ to survive
When I hit the highway though..man I never felt so alive
Driving my hand me down
Wishing they could see me now
1.6 focus zetec
Telling myself it’s my time
It’s me next
I’m gonna smash the world
Gonna get me a girl
And all the basics a tween gets gassed about
15 years later I’ve got a hangover and a stitch
Man I’m gassed out
I need to stretch it out
Downward dog this thing
Sometimes, I feel I’m barking mad
Happy half the time and for that I’m glad
Grateful for the memories when I’m feeling sad
Sometimes, I think I’m just like my dad
He’s mad anxious and introspective
Reflective to the point that he’s ineffective
I can only see myself though, I’m being selfish
Cos beyond all his doubts he has forgiveness, kindness and a compassionate ease
Thank you dad, for giving me a piece of your mind
It’s not a sickness
It’s not a disease
Just gotta keep it in check
And forgive it sometimes
Give it some time
Help it not relive all the times
Maybe perhaps just stick it in a rhyme?
Shit that was deep for me..
Like something an elder would say?
Maybe one day
Now let me go dye those greys
Oh..wait..
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Cornershop blues
Bruv!
You think the dark is coming out?
My eyes man look
They don’t twinkle no more
Wrinkled like the little black bag from the *offy
Probably got the same contents too
A special brew cocktail
Rolly* after rolly
Holy moly and all that Molly
Keep rolling mate!
Covered in snow and it’s spring
Holidays are coming
And I’ve got the sniffles again
Flying with the kites
My mouth shooting shots
Till I empty my magazine
Cos vices got me twisted
I swear it was a detour but man I think I’ve drifted
The mood shifted
I was so fucked I missed it
Till I fell out of the sky
And my black eyes cried
And the shakes reached my heart
Breaching the barriers
No *tinnies left in my carrier bag to mask it
These chills that got inside of me
They told me it’s called anxiety
They told me it’s gonna die with me
But it will off me first
Offering to quench my thirst
Like the offy where it started.
So that’s where I’m headed…*offy – off license / liquor store
*rolly – rolled cigarette
*tinny – beer can
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Qué sera?
Searching for tomorrow
Daydreaming through today
Feels like I live half my life
And think the rest away..
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Mansion
I live in beautiful mansion
Ornate, magnificent and grande
With a library the world envies
Chapters and verses of glory and wonder
History piled high to the rafters
A dining room with every food I adore
A gallery of portraits and landscapes
Exquisite, absurd, inspiring and surreal
Leading into the garden below
Brimming with blooms and blossoms
And a chorus of bird song soaring from the trees
Yet, I find myself here in the crypts
Keeping the skeletons company
Searching the walls for a door
And my candle just went out
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Alvida
There’s still a little flame that burns me
A faded light that turns my attention elsewhere
Where I face obverse to where I travel
Though the road unravels ahead
The dim flicker of the old flame kept my eyes aglow
Bends in the road and I stumbled
Fumbling as though blind, though I still see a light
..fading..
the wick barely sticking to the droplets of wax, where once stood a pillar
My beacon once illuminated the sky and now it’s going to cease to be
And I watch..waiting to see it extinguish
In all its diminished glory
The lonely page at the end of the story
The flame wisps and whispers, breathing its last
Yet tomorrow is almost here
And I’ll have no need for candles
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Ma
Selfishly Ma, I want to tell you all
Breaking your heart into shards that will make you bleed
You raised a man to be proud of I hope
But in truth I’m nothing, nothing like the template you cut me from
A failure in your eyes?
Welling up, the heartbreak would drown you and I
The truth of myself is not what you expected
A charade, a show, a charlatan
How I wish you knew me
Though knowing that knowing me would destroy all you know
I guess I will continue with the show
I love you too much to let me hurt you
My head sits on your shoulder
And it feels like no-one has ever been closer
Yet in truth I’m so far from you and the older I become
The harder it is to play dumb
To play the son you wanted
Trying to be numb to the lie that ties us
To be blind to all that divides us
A commotion, a fuss thats really all pretend
Regardless of it all Ma, I’m yours..
Devoted till the end
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A solitary drop
You say even a drop is a sin
So tell me this oh wise one
How else should I numb my faculties
When this reflection seems to me a stranger
Why should I feel the desperate pull of my heart, as it stands on a cliffs edge?
Nothing seems to have changed in all this time
Though I’m sure the marble slab said the same as it observed the chisels edge
Day by Day another piece falls underfoot
Not enough to stumble but still it stings
But still even a drop is a sin
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Moments
Sometimes I can’t catch a moment and months fly by
And then like dust in the wind it gets right in my eyes announcing it’s sudden arrival
Yet those moments in which I’m lost in thought about my love
Those are the strangest sweetest pains of all
At once the sensation of having no ground strong enough to catch the sinking feelings and then it catch me all the same
Bittersweet nostalgia of all yesterday’s laughter and love swirling above my head
Though time after time I see more and more that is not fragment of memory but a fictitious few seconds of a moment that never happened
I realise now that these fleeting seconds are hope
Hope of days to come when my love and I will chase the sun and leave the lonely nights behind
Those are my most cherished moments
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In time
The following poem is a tribute to my grandmother, who I unfortunately only got to meet once in my life because she lived in Burma and it was nearly impossible at the time to visit. She passed before I could meet her again..
Eyes on the departure board
Tripping on the uneven curb
Kicked up dust ambles into amber hues of sunset
It hits me
As unexpected as the last time
Yet familiar
The same swell of feelings, teasing each other, daring each other to unleash all they remember
In that plume of dust, the curb vanishes
The phone in my hand morphs into a tattered passport
The train station dissolves in a blink and I’m now seated, looking over my shoulder at a hazy figure, gradually diminishing from view
Sweating in the heat of this rusting old car, I wipe my brow, for I must see
An acrid smell of petrol distracts for a moment; a moment too precious to lose, since the distance will only grow now
Fighting against the bumpy road, I crane my neck further still
I can see her hand gently waving, as she takes another weary step into the dust trail left behind.
The same gentle hand that was a stranger to me not long before this moment
The same hand that somehow became the safest, warmest and most giving that I can recall
Her hand
That had nothing to give me, yet gave me more than I deserved all the same
Her hand falls to her face, as her face falls into her shoulders
The weariness of age played it’s part
Yet there was more to this dejected posture and faltering of steps than my young mind would allow itself to believe
She knew this was the last goodbye
Time would not be kind enough to wait for her
For any of us
Alas I was naively convinced that time was immaterial
Just a vessel with man at the helm
A plane, through which we chose our paths.
As devoid of purpose as a road with no-one to tread it
I was mistaken
The humble warmth of her smile belonged to time, as much as it did to my own memory
My memories, belonging as much to time as to myself
For in time they will fade
The distance between the memory of her and the present will only grow now
More dust will be kicked up as time moves forward
The finer details of her face will be lost in the haze; her touch will remain but the texture of her hands will elude me
Chipped away by the chisel of time; all that will survive is her essence
The only eternal amidst the flecks of forgotten memories
Now the dust trail fades, as her silhouette is swallowed by a fast rising sun
I have to relent and turn away from this abrupt blaze of light
The sun draws closer and closer until it rushes past my face with a howl and suddenly my train arrives.
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Little one
You must have heard how rough it can be
How tough it may seem sometimes
How fragile we are, though born from the stars and how we’ve lost our shine
How there’ll be lies and deceit and dirt on your feet, from steps where you will stumble
How there’ll be lies you are told and words that are cold and times where you’ll feel humbled
But don’t give in, this is a game you can win and there are so many hands to guide you
Willing you on like words to a song
We are a chorus right behind you!
Afraid as well, you can probably tell, that we will never see you grow
So please don’t run we’ll have so much fun.
Please…just say hello.
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A windy day
A leaf
Detached
Swept up
Powerless
In flight
Dizzy
Gazing down
Sighing
Uncoupled
Homeless
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Stumbling on the Kwai
We, the 1st batallion of decadence walked in your path.
Forged through kinship among scarlett tears; laid on foundations of fallen brothers.
Across this slumbering beast, above the surging kwai.
Suffering from intoxication. We the 1st batallion of decadence, meandered in your path.
Atop this iron giant, where once our fathers stood.
Astride the mighty kwai, that once our fathers feared.
We, the first batallion of decadence, marched in the shadow of your sacrifice.
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The shoes with flashing lights
Mum please
But they’re so cool
Look they flash!
Mum, don’t be so cruelYou have thirty pounds
I saw it in that bill
When you counted out the coppers
For the lady on the tillRed lights mum, look!
Please mum don’t be tight
I won’t play footie in them
I won’t let them out of sightMum why do you look sad?
Is it because you want them too?
Cheer up mum come on
You never get me anything newI won’t ask for anything else
Even on my birthday, nothing…
Yes! Thanks mum your the best
I knew you were only playingSize 3s please
In white and blue
No-ones got these
I’m gonna look well coolHold on
Why did you put that handbag down?
You said you saved up for it
Mum, that’s why we came to townOk, how do I look?
Mum? Don’t you like them?
They’re well mint
That handbag though..
You’ve wanted that since way back whenWhen I wanted the lion king video
You put the handbag down
When my bike broke
You put the handbag down
That time I wanted Gregg’s
Again you put the handbag down
No mum,
Not this time aroundThat handbag is nicer
It brings out your eyes
I want to make you smile mum
You always say it’s ok
Though you tell me its wrong to lieI wish I was that kid again mum
I wish you never had to lie
Mum you did so much for us
Yet we never even tried.
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Swifts
As you turned south in the cold, my swifts lingered unknowing.
Acrobats of the sky, they looped and danced in the setting sun.
Not sensing the cool winds approaching, nor the distance you had flown.
All that remained were feathers, blown from an unfinished nest.
If my swifts landed for a moment, the question I would ask is; did they feel your warmth up high?
Did they understand the glow in your eyes?
Now in colder times, I question every raindrop if it ever touched your skin.
I clutch at the breeze and ask if it’s carried your voice.
My swifts flew so high, they forgot to look down.
Too proud to realise it was the wind that held them aloft.
The same wind on which you flew away
The same wind that whispered your goodbyes
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The fake aces
Time is a healer
But there is no pain
So sublime is the dealer
I love playing this gameThe tide isn’t turning
And my will is weak
This hand isn’t earning
I will lose this streakThere is no skill
Instincts at play
Eyes locked until
One blink betraysTurning up the cards
Revealing stone faces
Under the dealers regard
I play them as acesAblaze in the darkness
The spotlight hums
Testing my sharpness
Play smart or play dumb?But the dealer is smarter
The epitomy of wit
With this hand could I barter?
Or fold and submit?Down the river we travel
A swell of crimson shades
Alas my hand unravels
You bail with buckets not spadesTime is a healer
But there is no pain
So sublime is the dealer
I love playing this game
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Unmasked
To a fanfare and a cheer
Comes the pinnacle of this parade
Dressed in his fineries
Please welcome
The king of the masqueradeRevered and respected
A fine spectacle indeed
Each act evokes,
All you could ask
All you could needAdmiration for the mask
The man, merely its stage
Honest eyes hidden,
Within the shadows of charadeYet the audience assumes
The audience wants more
But the show must end
The mask slips to the floor
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