Oh my days… Are we doing it now!?
Tsk, whyy bro?
Every time man…
Fucks sake, okay let’s do it!
Let’s ride this wave again…
Okay, put em up!
Gotta roll with the punches!..
Man, I’m eating punches for breakfast, brunch and lunch
Suddenly, feeling like a chump, a mug, a wasteman,
Wish I could give you all a taste man
Okay, that’s a lie, I don’t wish this on you
One minute chilling, next minute sad,
Don’t know why these tears be spilling,
While my brain’s chanting –
You’re bad!
You’re bad!
You’re bad!
Ahh, my bad bro…
I thought I was drinking my tea
Now I’m sinking in my seat, with feelings of defeat surging,
Urging me to think,
Sink, think, then sink some more!
Before I can even ask what for, the wave’s already crashed through the door,
Like a punch to the jaw
Now I’ve spilt my tea all over the floor
I’m reeling…
Where has all the calm gone that I was feeling?
Can’t deal, man, this is long
Feeling alright and then all of a sudden – wrong!
Like what the hell? It’s like I slapped myself,
Clapped my own head for feeling good
How dare I, how did I even think I could?
Wait, wait, wait!
Hold up!?
How dare I?
How dare you, bro!
Nah man, allow it!
I’m done!
I ain’t throwing fists this time,
No red mist this time,
Not listening to your list this time
Come on bruv, I got you!
It’s calm, it’s calm,
No harm, no foul
Stop scowling, it’s okay,
Just having a moment, relax, we got the whole day
Remember 5 minutes ago, when it didn’t feel this way?
Let’s bring it back
Breathe, my brother, breathe
Remember the exercise?
Four seconds in,
Hold for four
Six seconds out
Hold….
Hold….
4,4,6,4
Hold…
Let’s hold it together
You can do it
Hold…
That’s better
Calm your heart, it’s all good, it’s all good!
There we go
No blame,
No shame
Just remember to breathe
Remember your name
Open your eyes my bro
See it’s all good now
It’s all good
See, I knew you could
Told you man,
You’re not doing this alone anymore
I get it though…
It’s hard to walk past that closet door,
When all those skeletons rattle inside
It’s like a battle inside,
Like everything matters inside
When the skeletons chatter, something shatters inside
But still, you open the door,
Almost like an addiction,
Yeah, an addiction!
Like you’re drawn to affliction,
It’s the same old fiction but you wanna hear the remix
Bruv, it’s not in our remit, even though it might seem it
It’s dead down there
Let the skeletons dance in the dark
We take our chances in the light,
Upstairs where it’s illuminated
Let’s go, you’re done ruminating
We got baited by old habits,
All love bro, we don’t do hating anymore ♥️
It’s okay…
I rate you for snapping out of it though
No more punches?
Shall we finish our lunch?
Shall we wave the wave goodbye?
Yeah?
Done?
You good?
You calm?
Safe, go make me another cuppa tea then innit! 🫖
Explainer: Revised this piece with a touch more honesty and experience of the whole not just the beginning. 🥊
Tag: anxiety
-
Shadow boxing – Gloves off
-
Murder mittens
Possessions cost a penny
But emotions are free
Something for nothing
Bursting from inside of me
At least that’s how it was supposed to be
It is and it isn’t
Such a vicious virtue
Purring so gently
Schrödinger’s Catch-22…
Saying hold me—
but don’t tempt me. 🐈⬛
-
Verbossman uncut
Lately I’ve been on some other-level shit
Revelling in rebelling against the devil playing advocate!
Revolution on my mind…
Revolver in my right hand—
Reminding the devil who’s boss!
Playing Russian roulette,
Praying I don’t pay the cost
Firing shots at random,
Double-tap the trigger,
Bullets fly in tandem
Catching strays myself
As I wrestle with accountability—
Counting on my knack for grappling with facts
And turning them into an account ability!
Cursed with the compulsion for writing pretty words
Cursive letters strung together—
It’s a little bit absurd
Abstracted from reality,
Allergic to banality,
Eclipsing every musing with obscurate totality!
I’m howling now…
Maybe a little crazy
Smiling too…
As if these words will save me
On my ones…
Lonely master of verbosity,
Speaking tongues,
If only I mastered the vernacular of veracity
Instead of hiding behind this poetry—
If you can call it that…
Now here comes the “woe is me”
Nah man, let’s claw it back
This propensity for self-pity is not a sexy look
Classic avoidant tendency,
Staring at the void incessantly
With an incandescent rage—
With the ink in my pen,
Filling page after page
With pure, indirect savagery!
Intense is the density of imagery
Of the imaginary,
Of the abstract
Utterly absurd utterings—
Figuratively speaking…
Literally, though—
I’m already stuttering
Nope, I…
I can’t do it
Ah, fuck!
I’m stuck,
I’ve lost the thread
Tied in knots
Dreadlocked
Stranded, with this harebrained rhyming scheme
Seems I’m straining
Clogging the drain,
I’m fading…
Drained of sense,
I’m fading
Slowly does it,
I’m fading
Tryna let it go—
Let it fade…
That’s it
Let me fade away
I’m fading,
I’m fading,
I’ve… faded…
I’ve…
…Explainer: A poem about talking too much. About thinking too fast. About trying to be clever when really just wanting to be heard. Verbossman is turning up the volume up on your inner monologue and then losing the remote. 😬
-
Open water
Flipped and tumbled by the waves
The swell, relentless
Turning me inside out
In this chaos, calm comes easy
The ocean cannot touch the depth of my stillness here
No
It’s the shore that terrifies me
-
Insomnia
Time to put my head down
Get me some sleep
Gotta fight the devil first
Cos he’s grabbing my feet!
Through the sheets, I feel the heat
Man, I almost skip a heart beat!
I start to sweat as he jumps on my chest
Safe bet tonight I won’t be getting no rest
I hear his whispers of indifference to the predicament I’m in
He knows I’m listening and whimpering cos I’m troubled within
Troubled by him
Troubled by his stupid little devilish grin
Like an urchin, got me begging for scraps
Got me begging for my freedom,
Cos I’m caught in his trap
But the devil is a prick
This be his bread and butter
Filling my head with so much dread that I stammer and stutter,
Spluttering out my feeble little plea
Please Mr devil sir, tonight just let me be..
Tonight just let me sleep, let me drift into dreams
Please don’t follow me and turn this gift into screams!
Stuck again in this present tense situation
With his unwanted presence
My acquiescence,
And unwavering consternation
Same old conversation,
That never concludes
Whether I engage or not, I do not get to choose
I do not get to snooze
I just lose
Tick tick tick the hours slip away
I hear it second hand as he counts down every minute
This devil’s level of detail pushing me to my limit
Pushing me to admit that tonight he might just win it,
Fuck it…
I give up
Theres no point in persevering
All these decibels make my ears ring
I toss and I turn but I still hear him
No glossing over the burning of my glazed eyes stinging,
As his shrill voice singes my cochlea
Singing his sweet serenade as my renegade heart palpitates a beat to this endless rendition called..insomnia
Oh if I could only get some sleep..
I can’t get no sleep…
-
Inside voice
Why are there so many barriers between me and the tongue?
They blame me for holding secrets, but that is simply not true.
They’re wrong.
I’ve so much to say, but my message never gets beyond the mind—
Who put him in charge anyway?
They must’ve been out of their… nevermind,
It’s fine.
I often dream of having a voice of my own,
So I could make every so-called ‘secret’ known.
I’d blow the cover on every withheld truth,
Oh trust me, I would put my voice to use!
All the silences that the mind chose instead,
I’d drown out with words that were left unsaid.
All the cries for help when he felt broken,
All the ‘I love you’s that were left unspoken.
My doors would be open for all to peer inside,
I’d sing my little self out with nothing left to hide.
It’s not like I don’t try, but my requests are often dismissed,
I rarely follow the rules, but the mind, he has a list!
What to say, how to say it, overthink and then replay it,
At the end, the decision is often the same:
“Say nothing at all.”
This is insane!
He debates with himself and then agrees to disagree—
What is this madness? I wish to be free!
Free to be heard and free to listen,
Free to cry without permission,
Free to beat and free to ache,
Free to love, free to break.
I have so many melodies that remain unsung,
If only I could speak..if only I had a tongue.
-
Little monster
I’m thinking about all the best friends I’ve had
Life happened, and they had to go
When did you go, though?
I forgot you were the first
Together, we’d make up the worst stories,
Glorious games with stupid names,
The ending always the same
We’d fight the monster and win,
Pinning him down with throw cushions
He’d be wishing that he never started the fight!
That’s right,
We beat him again,
Sending him packing back to hell
We’d be flexing and roaring,
With one hell of a story to tell!
Man, those were the days
It was never lonely when we were together
You’d make up stupid songs that never rhymed,
Remember? And they always had poops and farts in them,
Real works of art
Man, it’s such a blur now
Randomly they get served up in my head, and it tickles me,
How little we needed when we were small
It was you and I
So, when did we stop being friends?
Maybe around 9 or 10?
Around the time we stopped playing pretend?
Funny how much pretend I play now
I pretend I don’t, but I do
It’s all a bit confusing,
You wouldn’t understand
When we played, it was for fun and adventure
Now it’s to get through the day
You’d think I’d be an expert with all the practice we had
But it’s tough man
The feeling of never being enough man
Feels rough
It was easier when you were around
It sounds weird to say, but I wished you were here
By my side so we could fight the monsters together,
Wherever they may be
Sometimes in the world,
But mostly inside of me
I think that’s how I found you again
Lately, I’ve been reading these fancy books
And talking to fancy people
They’re trying to help fight the monsters,
But it’s not the same
It was more fun when it was a game,
When I didn’t know the monster had a name
That it wasn’t always a monster but a friend I forgot
In my blind spot, running alongside me,
Begging to be let back inside,
Screaming and afraid
The monsters were chasing him too,
I’m sorry, old friend,
I wish… I wish I knew…
The monster I was running from… it was you.
-
Snaked on a train
The tracks are doing that morse-code thing again
When the train is somewhere down the line, just round the bend
The platform’s rumbling as the sign switches to ‘due’
The train’s now ambling slowly into view…
Cue the queue rushing through to the knobbly edge, That’s saying ‘down there ain’t for you, unless well you want to…’
Damn that intrusive thought every time man, like my brain is saying ‘you shouldn’t but you know you can man’,
Imagine if…
No brain hush now!
Enough out of you, we got places to be,
That dumb ass thought bro, stop distracting me!
You’re bored is all, you just wait and see!
Soon we gonna be outta this place,
Soon we gonna be free!
You say that every time though, why can’t we ever just stay?
Always a shit excuse, like the weather’s too grey,
Just admit that you’re afraid
You downplay everything that you say was nice in the beginning,
On day one you’re like, bro we’re winning!
By day whatever, it’s just excuse after excuse!
Are you for real? How obtuse can you get?
You forget that you do the thinking
Pleasure, regret, horny or even upset
That’s all you bro,
Don’t tell me I do this ‘every time’
I’m just an accomplice
Mere tools to help you accomplish… actually what the hell is it you’re trying to accomplish?
Bitch please! I just process what you perceive,
Say what you see
Show you the world as you want it to be
Layout the reasons for you to believe
Like ‘to be or not to be’
That doesn’t mean shit to me
I was chilling just keeping us fed and alive
You decided we gotta do more,
What was it again?
Oh yeah, we gotta thrive!
Is this thriving?
We’re arguing over who the fuck is driving!
And though this is all very exciting, the train that was arriving is about to depart!
Though maybe we could actually, you know stay?
Try this new thing called ‘not running away’
Don’t worry brain, while you were squawking, we were walking mate
If you stopped rambling and looked out
You’d see we’re about to leave
There’s no reprieve with you is there?
Believe me bro, when you’re like this,
I wish I could leave you behind
Why? Because I remind you that you’re running again?
Catching train after train?
Man when will this end?
I’m just trying to be your friend,
If you stopped pretending you’re on your own
For once looked up from your phone
Saw that you can’t keep doing this alone
Admit that one of these stops has got to be home!
Enough!
Can you just go back to narrating?
Finish the story that we were creating,
Maybe, I don’t know, talk about how train delays can be grating
All this dialogue is getting frustrating
I was writing a story and you got us debating
Alright… whatever you say, it’s your loss
I’ll do as I’m told…
You are the boss…
…Train delays are so grating
Predictable in their unpredictability
Kinda like avoidance..
Oh you motherfuc…Fine I’m putting the phone away,
Finish writing this another day
There’s not much left to say anyway
And oh look! The sky is looking grey
I was right. Ha!
Slow clap…
-
Shadow boxing
Oh my days… Are we doing it now!?
Tsk, whyy bro?
Every time man…
Fucks sake, okay let’s do it!
Let’s ride this wave again…
Okay, put em up!
Gotta roll with the punches!..
Man, I’m eating punches for breakfast, brunch and lunch
Suddenly, feeling like a chump, a mug, a wasteman,
Wish I could give you all a taste man
Okay, that’s a lie, I don’t wish this on you
One minute chilling, next minute sad,
Don’t know why these tears be spilling,
While my brain’s chanting –
You’re bad!
You’re bad!
You’re bad!
Ahh, my bad bro…
I thought I was drinking my tea
Now I’m sinking in my seat, with feelings of defeat surging,
Urging me to think,
Sink, think, then sink some more!
Before I can even ask what for, the wave’s already crashed through the door,
Like a punch to the jaw
Now I’ve spilt my tea all over the floor
I’m reeling…
Where has all the calm gone that I was feeling?
Can’t deal, man, this is long
Feeling alright and then all of a sudden – wrong!
Like what the hell? It’s like I slapped myself,
Clapped my own head for feeling good
How dare I, how did I even think I could?
Wait, wait, wait!
Hold up!?
How dare I?
How dare you, bro!
Nah man, allow it!
I’m done!
I ain’t throwing fists this time,
No red mist this time,
Not listening to your list this time
Come on bruv, I got you!
It’s calm, it’s calm,
No harm, no foul
Stop scowling, it’s okay,
Just having a moment, relax, we got the whole day
Remember 5 minutes ago, when it didn’t feel this way?
Let’s bring it back
Breathe, my brother, breathe
Remember the exercise?
Four seconds in,
Hold for four
Six seconds out
Hold….
Hold….
4,4,6,4
You can do it
Calm your heart, it’s all good, it’s all good!
There we go
No blame,
No shame
Just remember to breathe
Remember your name
Open your eyes my bro
See it’s all good now
It’s all good
See, I knew you could
Told you man,
You’re not doing this alone anymore
I get it though…
It’s hard to walk past that closet door,
When all those skeletons rattle inside
It’s like a battle inside,
Like everything matters inside
When the skeletons chatter, something shatters inside
But still, you open the door,
Almost like an addiction,
Yeah, an addiction!
Like you’re drawn to affliction,
It’s the same old fiction but you wanna hear the remix
Bruv, it’s not in our remit, even though it might seem it
It’s dead down there
Let the skeletons dance in the dark
We take our chances in the light,
Upstairs where it’s illuminated
Let’s go, you’re done ruminating
We got baited by old habits,
All love bro, we don’t do hating anymore ♥️
It’s okay…
I rate you for snapping out of it though
No more punches?
Shall we finish our lunch?
Shall we wave the wave goodbye?
Yeah?
Done?
You good?
You calm?
Safe, go make me another cuppa tea then innit! 🫖
-
My shadow
I abandoned you again didn’t I?
I promised you’d be seen and heard
That we would do this together
My ride or die that cannot be cured
That even the very notion is absurd
You were screaming in pain and I wouldn’t meet your eye
Scoffed when you cried, said you deserved it for all the lies and failures
I sounded like everyone else, as if I was one of them
I denied you a voice
Judged your choice to be your virtue
I really wanted to hurt you
Even wished that you would die
To be gone for good
To be lost to oblivion
Oblivious to the obvious paradox once again
That, you are me
I was done with you as my shadow
As if you were something to uncouple
Well, you burst that bubble didn’t you?
Thought I could drown out your pleading
Thought I could think you into a corner
You warned me once before but I never learned
When I tried to sever you, I bled too
Tried to shed myself of your weight from my shoulders
Denied you headspace
Tried to evict your every evocation and send you on a permanent vacation
You had to be heard though
So you beat your drum in my chest
Stole away my rest, so I could feel what you feel
The harder I pushed, the tighter you gripped my heart
Our heart
And that was just the start
You had nowhere else to go
You had no other choice, I know
I’m so sorry
You needed me and I kept kicking
Until you eventually kicked back
Until I became the shadow
And saw everything you saw
Until I cried for help, as if I was wronged
You had to be explicit for me to accept,
That I too was complicit
You waited patiently for me to sit with you, knowing I had to fall to find you
I’m so sorry
It’s so damp and cold down here
How do you even breathe?
The echoes are deafening
Gosh, I’m so sorry
I, I don’t think I’m ready to hug you yet
I still need time
But I’m willing to sit with you and plan our escape one day..
Together?
-
Mirror selfie
Gosh, it feels so selfish,
All this stuff about oneself is like standing in a gallery full of selfies, saying, “Oh wow, look it’s me!”
Smile and say cheese, oh please!
How much more juice will you squeeze, hasn’t this cow been milked dry?
Stop asking why, instead, ask what’s next?
Deflect from this worn subject, embark on a new project.
Let’s be objective, and a little less reflective.
How will we gain a new perspective if our gaze is in the mirror?
We’ve polished it enough, but it’s not getting any clearer.
This is all there is, but this is really enough.
It isn’t that rough
It’s just a bit uncomfortable,
Feels tough moving forward, but it’s your reflection that’s in the way.
There are more dimensions to you than this mirror could ever convey.
It would be dismayed at how much it cannot know, thus cannot show you.
It’s always in the past.
That reflection always arrives last.
So, come let’s cast the mirror to one side and see the unknown.
You already know you.
You have indulged enough in self-loathing and self-soothing,
Giving your ego a massage, and then a bruising.
It’s a suffering awash in privilege,
The root of it all was valid, but these flowers are getting excessive.
Imagine what could be imagined!
Isn’t that more impressive?
Help right some new wrongs.
Stop writing personal possessives.
It’s obsessive, bordering on oppressive.
Crawl out of the recesses of your mind.
It’s time to draw a line in your grey matter.
Honestly assess if what you say matters.
Come on now…
You’re corroborating reveries
These fragments of correlating energies
They’re just memories of memories.
I’m sure you already know,
I’m fragile, and the cracks are beginning to show.
I think… I think it is time you let me go.
Kind regards,
your ego
-
Elders
Am I now the elder I looked up to?
Man it don’t feel that way
I wonder, were they fucked up too?
Did they feel they strayed, often lay awake afraid thinking that they’re corrupt too?
Running out of elders to ask now
I ran out on my own, to own it alone
Now I’m home alone in a home on loan
Due on rent but never paid due to my ‘rents
Or did I? It’s hard to say
Look, it was hard to stay
It was inevitable we’d part ways
I wanted to say I did it my way
But my way meant the highway
Cos conditions weren’t good for me to thrive
Cos I was conditioned to just ‘be good’ to survive
When I hit the highway though..man I never felt so alive
Driving my hand me down
Wishing they could see me now
1.6 focus zetec
Telling myself it’s my time
It’s me next
I’m gonna smash the world
Gonna get me a girl
And all the basics a tween gets gassed about
15 years later I’ve got a hangover and a stitch
Man I’m gassed out
I need to stretch it out
Downward dog this thing
Sometimes, I feel I’m barking mad
Happy half the time and for that I’m glad
Grateful for the memories when I’m feeling sad
Sometimes, I think I’m just like my dad
He’s mad anxious and introspective
Reflective to the point that he’s ineffective
I can only see myself though, I’m being selfish
Cos beyond all his doubts he has forgiveness, kindness and a compassionate ease
Thank you dad, for giving me a piece of your mind
It’s not a sickness
It’s not a disease
Just gotta keep it in check
And forgive it sometimes
Give it some time
Help it not relive all the times
Maybe perhaps just stick it in a rhyme?
Shit that was deep for me..
Like something an elder would say?
Maybe one day
Now let me go dye those greys
Oh..wait..
-
Limelight
Everyone tells me it’s simple
It’s seems so simple in theory
In a feeling, in a poem, in my heart I feel it all
So why won’t my mind let me believe?
Why does it fight love with fear?
I just want to be here and live the story
Not write my own
It’s a vast stage already
Why do I insist on doing improv in the cloakroom?
You can’t have dialog while reciting a soliloquy
Hear what is said and not what you think
That’s what I think people try to say
Reality is out there but what is real?
Their version or mine?
I have to trust that they nor I know
Yet we have to trust the dialog and engage
Here comes the fear demanding certainty
This floor open to unpredictability overwhelms me
Or is it you fear, that is overwhelmed?
I’m curious to see down the road
You wish to know it all before you know
See the end before we’re into the second act
At least read a review first
Yet this stage never ends
Exit stage left brings us right back to where we are
So next time let’s stay in the limelight a little longer
Or shall I say, I stay in the limelight
I can hold your hand in the shadow if you want?
But you follow me
-
Snakes and platters
Spinning plates in the dark isn’t easy
Down here with the snakes and crawling things
Do I spin or find the floor?
Could someone lend an ear?
All I hear is hissing
Listen for me please?
Those plates won’t spin themselves
Which one will fall?
Which one is out of control?
In the dark there’s more questions than answers
Endlessly spinning
Waltzing in this vortex of plates and snakes
I’m getting dizzy
But I can’t find the floor
And those plates won’t spin themselves
I said that already
But I can’t find the floor
And those plates won’t spin themselves..
-
My frienemy
I want to say I’m sorry
I never thought how hard it must be
All you do is worry
Worry about me
Your existence could seem a curse
Not everyone’s cup of tea
But you did not choose this life
The life of anxiety
You wake up and you’re worried
As you scurry to knock on my door
I rarely choose to listen
Seriously though, what for?
All you do is plan
Or dig up shit I regret
When all I really want to do
Is close my eyes and forget
Forget about tomorrow
Or the sorrows of yesterday
Some heat I’d like to borrow
Yet you have none to my dismay
But today I had a thought about you
Oh devil upon my shoulder
Perhaps you don’t always hold me back
Perhaps you could make me bolder?
I don’t know when I decided
Decided to close the door
As if by pushing you aside
I would be able to rest assured
In times of crisis you’ve been there
When I felt lost you found me
When my mind is racing with fear
You knew what to do to ground me
We’d sit together and make a plan
Using the past for a new tomorrow
Remembering all the cracks in the road
Never painting over the sorrow
You’ve had my back from the day I was born
Quietly by my side
Lately though you’ve been feeling low
And I did nothing as you sat and cried
Your worries grew worse
As did your regrets
And all I did was deny you
I slammed the door
To block out your voice
All that did was terrify you
I never stopped to ask you why
Why do you feel this way?
Where those worries came from
Or why they won’t go away
You wanted to talk
I wanted to run
Foolishly I tried to hide
When all along
I was all sorts of wrong
Not seeing it’s in me you reside
You are my friend
You are not my enemy
Sometimes you get worked up
But against me…you will never be
We’ve seen some shit
And you remember it
Even if I refuse
But if I leave you to it again
Again we both will lose
So hold me to this
That I will listen, when you need an ear
We’ll figure it out
Try to to clear up the doubts
In an embrace we’ll face the fears
-
Cornershop blues
Bruv!
You think the dark is coming out?
My eyes man look
They don’t twinkle no more
Wrinkled like the little black bag from the *offy
Probably got the same contents too
A special brew cocktail
Rolly* after rolly
Holy moly and all that Molly
Keep rolling mate!
Covered in snow and it’s spring
Holidays are coming
And I’ve got the sniffles again
Flying with the kites
My mouth shooting shots
Till I empty my magazine
Cos vices got me twisted
I swear it was a detour but man I think I’ve drifted
The mood shifted
I was so fucked I missed it
Till I fell out of the sky
And my black eyes cried
And the shakes reached my heart
Breaching the barriers
No *tinnies left in my carrier bag to mask it
These chills that got inside of me
They told me it’s called anxiety
They told me it’s gonna die with me
But it will off me first
Offering to quench my thirst
Like the offy where it started.
So that’s where I’m headed…*offy – off license / liquor store
*rolly – rolled cigarette
*tinny – beer can
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Qué sera?
Searching for tomorrow
Daydreaming through today
Feels like I live half my life
And think the rest away..
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Mansion
I live in beautiful mansion
Ornate, magnificent and grande
With a library the world envies
Chapters and verses of glory and wonder
History piled high to the rafters
A dining room with every food I adore
A gallery of portraits and landscapes
Exquisite, absurd, inspiring and surreal
Leading into the garden below
Brimming with blooms and blossoms
And a chorus of bird song soaring from the trees
Yet, I find myself here in the crypts
Keeping the skeletons company
Searching the walls for a door
And my candle just went out
unsent draft messages 