I wonder what it was that cost all the time I saved for living
For when the moment came
My pockets were empty
-
Winning and losing
Sincerely I wanna commit a sin dearly
Whenever you are a near me
Two shadows fighting over a waining light
Delighting in this reverie
Every time I think of you
Another chink in my armour reveals itself
So appealing is the thought of losing to you
For even when I lose I win
How could I refuse this sin?
My muse you may find this amusing
This confusion of winning and losing
Makes you merely more alluring
Assuring me of the assertion that by losing myself to you.. I’ve won.
-
Whispers
They say the time and tide waits for no-one
Damn I wish I learned how to swim
The waters up to my neck now
Chances are looking slim
Treading water but I’m tired
Dreading this day I never desired
I’d be a liar if I said I felt inspired
Today is not my day and I wonder where it went
Reminiscing glory that felt heaven sent
Feeling spent I protest that it was stolen
Give it back
I did not consent
Resenting the demons that whisper
‘You’ve got sweet nothing’ into my ear
Sending shivers of fear and dread
Whispers I used to fight but instead,
they career through me as if the demons knew me all along
Where did I go wrong?
Where did I go wrong?
Now Im tagging along
As if I actually belong
Trying to borrow a bit of heat
But this defeat is cold man
Feeling redundant and old man
I’m trying to tread but I don’t think this thread is gonna hold man
More sinking than swimming
My head is spinning
Legs seized
Im about to freeze and fall
This can’t be all I am but the demons tell me so
Well wishers say no but they’ll eventually leave
Throwing in their 2 cents but they’re so naive
I can’t hear their wishes the demons are too loud
I gotta fight them but right now I’m too bowed
Showing preference to deference I’m at their whim and mercy
I was bested once but now it’s just me that hurts me
-
The Firefly
I’m not angry with you anymore
I’m at a loss and disappointed
I know you don’t care
Most likely you don’t even know
I mean, I’m barely a speck of dust you’ve traversed through
What do you know of I?
If we stood eye to eye, would you even see me?
Of all the fireflies crowding your skies
How often do you notice the ones whose lights go out?
All you can see are the joyful
Illuminating your night-scape
Those without a torch are lost
Invisible to you
Though as I said
You probably never saw us
I’ve no-one to turn to in complaint
Nor would I want to dim their lights by getting too close
The torch I carry is no longer a beacon
But a relic
It’s long lost its heat
Just a crisp, oiled rag, sodden and defused
How unfortunate and bemusing
I suppose the only way to relight my torch is to keep flying
Let the breeze dry the tears as I tear through the dark
But sometimes I get tired you see
I cannot see where I’m going like I could before
The torch feels heavy without light
And the glare off others can overwhelm and blind me
So I need to sit and breathe but that is when the clouds come
Suddenly the north star fades completely and raindrops fall around me
I try to shelter my torch but it gets wet again
The weight grows again
Making my arms hurt again
I cannot see others down here but they are here for sure
More and more fall from the sky
Some still have the strength to land as do I
Others weakened by the darkness land hard
Helping one another maybe we can dry our torches?
Perhaps we can rise together and share the load
Like an extinguished phoenix rising from the ashes
With dreams of bursting through the clouds and into the sun
Reigniting our torches and joining the dance once more
The thought makes me hopeful
Today I’m not so sure
My arms hurt
I think I need to rest again
-
Small world
The window is no escape at all
Outside the world now seems so small
Perhaps it’s no longer there at all
Yet when the music begins,
close your eyes to see
Be the maestro of this melody
Let the music take you away
Hold its hand, be led astray
Behold a world beautiful once more
Feel the surf as you stand by the shore
Gasp as you breathe cool mountain air
Be still in this moment
Be neither here nor there
Without care without fear
Soar into the stratosphere
Free to fall or free to fly
As the music amplifies
Dismiss the urge to satisfy
Be content to just be,
hold this moment of transcendency
Unshackled and unchained
As the refrain plays once again
The crescendo delivers you to the stars
The ground below it seems so far
Again the world now seems so small
And yet, it doesn’t really matter at all
-
Calling the ‘rents
Hey Pops! Hope you’re well
You sound agitated I can tell
Listen Dad, please stay at home
Don’t leave without reason
One day soon we’ll roam I promise
But right now it’s open season on your life
Mine too I suppose, who knows right?
No Dad I’m not calling you old
I wouldn’t dare question your youth
For once Dad please do as your told
I’m a little bit scared, to tell you the truth
You know what I mean
Now sit your ass down
Be there for your Queen
Or she’ll be left holding your crown
Actually is mum there? Give her the phone
Remember Dad stay at home!
I don’t know when I will see you again
Stay smiling and stay alive until then..Hey Momma, how are you today?
It sucks that I have to stay away
Apparently it’s for the best, lets see
Anyway tell me
How’s the rest of the family?
Yeah, I got your latest WhatsApp I think
Honestly mum, I lose track of the links you send
I told you that they’re fake don’t open them
If they make you shake your fist
Then try to resist ok?
If that auntie persists on sharing this crap
I’ll report her as a terrorist I swear
Ok I’m being silly but seriously try to rest
As you always say, this life is a test
Don’t let it best you, be strong
God forbid something goes wrong
Let me know if there’s anything you need
I hate to admit this
But I wish I heeded your warning
I wish I came home more often
Instead of sitting here mourning the fact that I don’t know when I will see you again
Hopefully you can tell me off to my face soon
I swear I’ll listen like it’s my favourite tune
And we’ll all be together immune to the world that kept us apart
I look forward to holding you both again
For now I’ll hold you in my heart
Take care Mum, look after Dad for me
Don’t be sad that we’re far away
Be glad that someday will be here soon
And we’ll all be drinking chai in the same room
Ugh fine..Inshallah we’ll all be drinking chai in the same room..
-
Mah’wish
They call her the pink moon
The April moon
Atop her throne in the sky she sits
A beguiling Queen
In the darkest hour she somehow finds light
A beacon that makes us raise our heads skyward
Captivating eyes with her light
Clouds like the gentle sweeping of an artists brush grace her face
Yet they dare not linger too long for the sky belongs to her
Enchanted by her light, studying her features
Tell me, is she frowning, drowning or crying in despair?
Now look in your heart, do you feel the light?
Look up again and see her smile back at you
She saw all your scars and she’s still there
Quietly observing without judgement
Listening to your lifetime in a few fleeting moments
How fortunate we are for this April moon
This lofty exalted moon
At once my closest companion
Yet achingly out of reach
-
The foolish bird
A swan sought to fly to a new lake
Biding his time for the journey would be long
Alone he had the whole lake to replenish his strength and prepare
One misty morning – reflecting the dreams in his eyes – he felt something
The irresistible urge to fly came like a swell and with two swift beats of his majestic wings he rose
The swan puffed hard, eyes fixed on the light on the horizon
Each beat lifted him gradually higher until he was clear of the cold water below
He rose higher and higher
An irrepressible feeling of ambition and ecstasy held him aloft
Shimmers of distant waters wetted his eyes and his appetite for adventure
And so he soared
Yet something was amiss
His light chest felt heavier
His deep breaths felt short
Looking left and right he now felt the weight of his wings
Their powerful majesty was now a burden
His bright white chest though strong could not bear the pressure
He began to fall
And fall he did
The distant inkblot of his old lake, swallowed the skyline
Like falling into the eye of a marble, he was soon surrounded by his old acquaintance
With a graceless splash he hit the water
Gasping as his breathless heavy chest rested against the cold water he prematurely bid farewell to
The swan spent so long strengthening his chest to beat those mighty feathered oars through the oceans of the sky,
that he forgot to stop and realise his mistake
His chest was already heavy
The stagnant smell of the lake filled his senses once more
Each breath shallower than the last
His fallen wings lapped against the water
And his heavy chest sunk further into the cold
-
Lions and Clowns
I want what is mine already
I already want something else
Steady isn’t my style, think of all that I’d lose staying steady
No, thank you but i have to juggle it all
I refuse to be the clown in this circus
Struggling isn’t in my vocabulary you see
I’m the lion that can’t be tamed
The whip is in my hand
I’ll whip myself into shape before you ever see me struggle
In fact
You probably want to be me
And want what I had
What I’ve forgotten already
In a blink, you’ll eye up what she had instead
Or want to say what he just said
Words you don’t understand but sound profound
You’re not wandering the libraries
You’re elbow deep in the lost and found
I know, because you are me
You want what is yours already
You already want something else
You’re a clown that thinks it’s a lion
Now step aside, I have all you can give
You have no more
And that is all I want
-
Evening stroll
The quiet seclusion of an empty street before me
Walking alone, hands in my pocket though it’s not cold
Silence sweeps all the way around the bend in the road ahead
Between the street lights my shadow plays hide and seek
And I can’t tell who is following who
-
Proud of you
Spy into my eyes and see yourself
Snapshots of times gone by
Glimpses of dreams to come
A mosaic of memories
Step back for the grand reveal
Each piece significant in its place
From those sad moments that awash your eyes with the colours of fall
To the better times colouring you in a sunshine glow
So step back and marvel at what you are
What you will become
What you will have been
You are the star
You are the show
You are the curtain call
You are the encore
-
The Weaver
Through the needle your story is woven
Not a sound is heard yet your story is spoken
The threads tell tales of your joys and pains..how sad is it then that through all of this; the silence between us remains unbroken
What do you know of I and I of you?
Perhaps the silence keeps us honest
When your eyes look into mine
All we can share are our truths
-
Alvida
There’s still a little flame that burns me
A faded light that turns my attention elsewhere
Where I face obverse to where I travel
Though the road unravels ahead
The dim flicker of the old flame kept my eyes aglow
Bends in the road and I stumbled
Fumbling as though blind, though I still see a light
..fading..
the wick barely sticking to the droplets of wax, where once stood a pillar
My beacon once illuminated the sky and now it’s going to cease to be
And I watch..waiting to see it extinguish
In all its diminished glory
The lonely page at the end of the story
The flame wisps and whispers, breathing its last
Yet tomorrow is almost here
And I’ll have no need for candles
-
In plain sight
Sitting very still
The embodiment of tranquility
Awash in silence
Becoming nothing
So lost as to become everything
As pervasive as daylight
As veiled as the night
At peace in solitude
At one with it all
-
Round 1
Thirteen going on thirty,
His fluffy beard is kinda dirty
It belies that he’s a baby
But his dad won’t let him shave itSummers round the corner
with the weather getting warmer
The kitchens looking worn,
so he’s busy decoratingSanding paint and peeling paper
Playing catch-up with the neighbours,
An expert with the scraper
He leans further from his stoolFrom the lounge emerge faint noises,
It’s his parents rising voices,
Dad is getting restless
But its mum that makes the rulesSkilfully surreptitious
Hearing words that sound malicious
The mood darkens to become vicious
He’s refereed this match beforeNothing seems amiss
When he’s greeted by red mist,
Caught up amidst the fists,
As they continue to even the scoreSuppressing waves of fear
Prying fingers he holds dear
Catching an elbow to the ear
He begins to sense the toneParting the two beasts
He tries to make the peace
‘Help me hello police!?’
His mother screams down the phoneOut of the frying pan and into the fire
As if the situation wasn’t dire
Now he’s to judge who is the liar
Time is not his friendBetween a hard place and a rock
Keeping one eye on the clock
Suddenly hearing the dreaded knock
It’s time to play pretendSo his mother isn’t well
She didn’t mean to yell
That bruise is cos she fell
All in all she’s quite worn outNow you can’t deny
That dad has a black eye
But he’ll merely testify
That dad is clumsy without a doubtServing lies up on a platter
So charming with his chatter
Pretending it doesn’t matter
He has to bite his tongueGritted teeth distort his smile
The officer senses his beguile
But before she can put him to trial
Mum admits that she was wrongShe didn’t mean to call
She was confused after her fall
Of course there wasn’t a brawl
She says sorry and shrinks awayJust 15 minutes before
Dad was begging on the floor
He would never blame mum again he swore
It was groundhog DayThe officers hands were tied
She knew that mum had lied
Justice would be denied
But she had no other choiceShe consoled the boy in the hall
And though he was 6ft tall
He seemed so very small
And somehow lost his voiceHe wanted her to know
That this was all for show
And was begging her not to go
But his lips they never movedIn silence he stood and stared
At those for which he cared
Rooted as if he were snared
Waiting for the inevitable, round number two
-
And so we swayed
The sun came down and the dust settled for a moment
Sitting still..so very still in the light of a thousand fireflies that waltzed through the whisps of lingering clouds
Seemingly caressing one another in an ethereal embrace
The grass cooled my hands
The air kissed my skin as gently as it could
Each breeze teased with a touch
Not long enough to know but enough to yearn for more
As the dusk succumbed to memory, we dancedThe cacophony of music and chatter blended into a divine melody
The jarring sparring of sounds held hands and swayed,
Feeling compelled I decided to do the same
There were no sparks when our hands touched
Electricity would be overstating
It was peace
An undeniable yet undescribable sensation both known and a stranger
My heart slowed as did my breath
This present would not be lost to history yet
Her head resting on my chest steadied me further still
This serene moment was ours
Below the stars yet above all the noise
Cocooned inside a symphony of our own volition, we swayed
And time stepped back
She looked up and held me in her regard
Her eyes a contradiction of power and vulnerability
Breathlessly she uttered ‘I will always lift you up’..
All I could do was press a kiss atop her crown
My words she stole away along with the air to power them
And so we swayedAt some point fireworks dimmed the stars
And a cheer echoed into the night I think..
In all honesty these trivial details elude me
And I have no qualms, for that moment with her in my arms, as I was lost in her disarming eyes will be enough
That moment when only the stars could reach us
That moment when we held hands and swayed
-
Ma
Selfishly Ma, I want to tell you all
Breaking your heart into shards that will make you bleed
You raised a man to be proud of I hope
But in truth I’m nothing, nothing like the template you cut me from
A failure in your eyes?
Welling up, the heartbreak would drown you and I
The truth of myself is not what you expected
A charade, a show, a charlatan
How I wish you knew me
Though knowing that knowing me would destroy all you know
I guess I will continue with the show
I love you too much to let me hurt you
My head sits on your shoulder
And it feels like no-one has ever been closer
Yet in truth I’m so far from you and the older I become
The harder it is to play dumb
To play the son you wanted
Trying to be numb to the lie that ties us
To be blind to all that divides us
A commotion, a fuss thats really all pretend
Regardless of it all Ma, I’m yours..
Devoted till the end
-
The Mirror
The mirror does not lie
Nor does it tell you the truth
It is cursed to stand in silence
As you determine your own honesty
Seeing you for what you are
For what you were
What an unjust life
The life of the mirror
How many stories it has seen
With many more once yours is done
Longing to break its silence
And give the curse back
-
The little sofa
When we sat on that little sofa, forever struggling to find a comfy yet romantic position
Sometimes your head ended up in my armpit,
or my big hand would block the TV
Try as we might, we just didn’t fit on that little sofa
The sofa on which you could stretch like a cat in pure nirvana
And then along I’d come to swallow up all the space and squish your glasses, in what I thought was a loving embrace
More like a chokehold I guess
Eventually grumbling we’d give up and sit up
Then inevitably like the night before
Your head would sway and slide down my shoulder
Another movie night ending within the first 5 minutes – for you at least
Eventually comes the little snore as you’d begin to dribble
But I dare not move and ruin this moment
To see you in total restful bliss
Giving you a butterfly kiss, I’d look on and be overwhelmed by the warmth of you
Your ugly, peaceful sleeping gurn was what it was all about
On that little sofa, was once our little world
And now we sit worlds apart
Torn from that little world we made our own
To make our own way now, alone
The adventure is thrilling and yes the seas have been rough yet I always make it to the shore in the end
So it seems strange, how it’s on these sandy beaches where I find myself sinking sometimes
Reminiscing about that little sofa once more.
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