There’s a room in my dreams that scares me
Hiding—
Hiding behind a sullen wooden door
At the end of a forgotten corridor
Where my feet it seems, cannot find the floor
The doorknob within reach
Though I dare not turn it
God No.
Clutching my pendant, I whisper a prayer
The totemic black steel, digging into my palm
Reciting the inscription
Tightening my grip
Imprinting the words on my fingertips
As though to replace the lines that define me
Hoping they end the suffering that binds me…
That binds me—
to the apparition beyond the door
Stuttering through the recitation
As I’m sliding down the wall in hesitation
A curled up ball of defeat
In a fetal squeeze
Compressing my chest
Stifling what’s left of my breath
Sensing the soul rattling unrest, lurking
Lurking beyond the sullen wooden door
Never sudden, the dread keeps on seeping
Almost as though a draught is weeping,
Weeping through the cracks left creaking
As it creeps in beneath the door
Sneaking a peek, to behold the curled up ball against the wall upon the floor
Within reach, almost touching my feet
It baulks as I suppress a shriek
Flinching,
Eyes wide, I’m gasping
Looking up through my shivered breath, now roused and rasping
Clasping my chest once again at the sound of rapping…rapping—
An unforgettable rapping against a once-forgotten door
Please, I whisper
Please…no more…no more…no…more. 💀
Category: Love
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Knock knock…
-
stargazing
Our glances align,
a fine silk thread
across a constellation.
How long will this sun
dwell in your house?
-
Doorknob confession
Is it your glances or their absence?
Your words or the silences in-between?
Knowing their potential
Or knowing my own?
That keeps my hand on the doorknob
In case the latch catches me off guard
-
Morning snooze
Beep beep beep!!
Snoozing that cursed alarm
On cue, you dive right in
The duvet starts rustling
A blanket of leaves billowing in the wind
Tugging on my pillow
Nuzzling into my chin
My cue…
Kissing the top of your cheek,
Feeling your nose wrinkling
You’re smiling now…
And though outside it might be drizzling
I’m in here with you..another day
Another day, another win
Such a simple thing
The simple things jaan
Making me feel like a winner
Like..
Like I’ve got everything
Everything right here
Under this duvet, with you
Jaan come,
Come roll over this way
Let me hold you through another snooze
On this lazy, hazy morning
Pretending we ain’t got nowhere to be
Snuggling in a pretend deep sleep
Huddling up so close to me
Till my stubble tickles you into a little giggle that belies your Sleeping Beauty routine
If only jaan,
If only we could disarm the alarm and stay laying this way all day
Until my arm is the only thing left on snooze
Kya khayaal hai? – what do you think
What do we have to lose?
Let them wait
How could we be late?
Like I said before…
We’re already here x
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Fanaa
Do the hues leave clues, as to the depth from which, the stillness in your gaze,
draws in this moth, willing to scald its wings?
Maybe you’ll see through my inept utterings,
as I stutter and stumble,
humbled by the intensity of those eyes
Drawn to the intent of those eyes
On my knees, I relent to those eyes
Deepest of browns – like dusk veiling dawn – as I descend into those eyes
Until, there is no longer I
Only an echo,
A shadow,
A moon-drunk moth still dancing, on the shimmer of your gaze
Fanaa* in your flame
Finally, you blink…
and allow me to breathe
I’m ready to sink once again
To fall through the canopy of those lashes
and into my lover’s eyes
Are you ready?
Now don’t blink this time…🧿
Explainer: Fanaa* – a Sufi term for the annihilation of ego / self in the presence of the divine / beloved.
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Crescents
There’s something about cupping my hands around yours—
Like two crescents of the same moon,
Holding a world within—
Yet, nothing at all
Just a space,
unchanging—
A moment the cold cannot reach
Let’s hold it a little longer
Leave the world eclipsed
So what if we’re late?
It’s already all in hand.
-
Ice dance
You live in a little snow globe in my heart
I can shake it up and watch as the snow adorns you anew,
Smile and relive that frozen moment—
That fragile, timeless void where we danced,
Where you were mine,
Where it was too warm for snowflakes to touch
I can still tap on the glass,
Hold that little world within,
Where I always kept you,
Quietly adored you
Though now,
I’ll always remain on this side,
Peering through the snow
I can’t join you anymore
My world cannot be held,
At least not by these hands
But no one can take this you from me—
This you, immortalised,
This you, for me alone
For this, I thank you.
I’ll let the snow settle now…
It could never touch you anyway.Imagery inspired by this scene from the film Edward Scissorhands: https://youtu.be/J6xzL0TrsRY
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In the stars
The universe may be infinite—
As I believe is love
Yet just as the universe entropies,
Eventually,
love drifts,
sometimes lightyears away—
fragmented
Given away willingly,
sometimes unwittingly,
Fallen into orbits long left behind,
or ahead
It’s hard to say which way;
that’s the trouble with entropy
All I know is, it lives on, apart from me—
not created nor destroyed
Timeless fractures, destined to be,
stardust stretched across the galaxy’s expanse,
glancing back with longing and askance,
yearning to be whole again,
a burning comet in pursuit of its own tail
To that end, it will surely fail,
but oh, the tales it would tell if it could
The thought’s a comforting one,
even if futile
So I quiet the longing,
close these eyes,
and smile.
You’re all in the stars now,
as you always were,
and will always be
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Duelling
I only have compassion for you
When you’re apart from me
If I could see you sitting there,
Side by side, shoulders slumped,
Heavy,
I’d feel something for you
I could even hug you,
Whether you let me or not
It doesn’t matter—
I’d see you though,
Saying nothing
I’d feel you
When you’re someone else,
It’s easier
They say, be disciplined with yourself,
Be kind to others
My discipline was always the stick
I beat you down and then put you over there
I see you again,
And I care—
Enough to want to hold you
It must be tough to only exist when it hurts,
To be seen only through pain
Why is it easier this way?
Imagine there was no you or I,
Neither together nor apart,
No more dueling with duality,
No victim, no villain
To never see you again—
How beautiful that would be,
To be,
Only to be.
-
Eye to I
We are no longer lovers,
This, I can see…
We are no longer one,
That is evident to me.
So I ask of you, old friend,
If our paths, ever cross again,
Please, do not meet my eyes,
For I cannot trust that my heart will agree,
That this was all we were ever to be—
To be once upon a time,
And then never to be,
From a gaze to a glance…inevitably,
That we are no longer lovers,
Whatever my eyes may see,
Whatever my eyes may see…
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To forget your name
Jaan, I hold the memories close:
In the pause between breaths,
In the stillness between thoughts,
In the calm between moments.
I whisper your name—
How long since it danced on my lips?
How long since my heart skipped to its mention?
This self-inflicted torment—
Disrupting a sunny day,
Disturbing a mind seeking solace.
Oh, to forget it all:
The pain of losing you, yesterday,
The dread of remembering you, tomorrow…*Jaan = Urdu / Hindi term of endearment meaning life
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Sunday brews
I woke up late this blessed Sunday morning
No rush today, even the birds were yawning
All my chores done, there’s nothing for me to do
Nothing to do, except feel blue over you
I wasn’t expecting any guests today
So why were the blues standing in my hallway?
I barely set foot out of my bedroom
As upon my shoulders climbed the gloom
Please not today! I begged and I pleaded
I had a good week, I thought I succeeded?
The blues turned to me yet said nothing at all
His silent treatment always makes me feel small
So I guess we’re doing this? Fine let’s make some tea
No need for two cups, he just likes to watch me
The sun was still outside but that is where it stayed
Today the blues and I, will parley in the shade
Did you miss me all week? Is that why you didn’t knock?
Sorry friend I was busy running down the clock
Filling my time with all sorts to fill it
Holding it together so I dont accidentally spill it
What shall we talk about then old friend?
I won’t say ‘Im fine’, no need to pretend
Regret, guilt or shall we try something new?
Whatever it is friend, just make sure it’s true
You have a penchant for adding extra spice
Trust me though, what we already have will suffice
Just don’t take up the whole day please
Leave at least some of it for me to seize…
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Librarian’s lament
The mind should be an archive.
It should be a gallery, a library even.
It should be allowed to display,
Allowed to be discovered,
To be lost and forgotten,
And then be recalled once more.
But it seems the infrastructure is publicly funded—
How else could one explain the disrepair?
The corners cut, and misplaced items;
A theatre is required,
Yet all we have is a projector stuck on loop.
The resolution resoundingly underwhelming,
Footage stuck on repeat, and the controls broken.
So many unreturned items, yet no fines collected;
Unaccounted for, as the ledger is lost.
Dim lamps barely illuminate constellations of dust
As they settle like the first snow atop the shelves.
This was once a collage of colors,
In bloom, like sun-flecked flora through the mind’s shade.
Every artifact a vivid rendition of a lived reality—
The cleaner has been fired, it would seem.
Only a lonely librarian remains,
Armed with a broom and an unwavering resolve,
For he remembers the opening day,
The newborn baby smell of it all.
Oh, how efficient he was—
Everything had its place, and it was placed not a moment too soon.
Every thought, every word, every creative endeavor—
Embellishments had no place here.
The beauty of what is, was all;
A system of serene simplicity.
Yet, as the great library grew, the budget did not.
Entropy eventually enveloped these annals of time.
What is, was lost to what was, what will be, what could be, and perhaps what should be.
A chaotic cacophony usurped the simple melodies that once serenaded the corridors.
And then there was silence,
Aside from the whirring of the projector.
Now, with leaden steps, our librarian returns to his desk,
In his hand, a crinkled sheet that reads:
‘Help wanted, enquire inside.’
If only he could remember where he put the keys—
They’re in here somewhere…
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A chorus of crows
Feeling numb to the world
The crows caw again and its jarring
I feel nothing
I refuse
Utterly bemused and broken
Lost and confused
I leave the window open
Hoping you’ll fly home to me
And we’ll cry in an embrace
I’ll wipe away the tears
And trace once again your face
The contours and lines
Will once again be mine
And we’ll become one in time
Unselfed and unshackled
Indifferent to idle chatter
Far above the cackle of the crows below
They’ll watch on in envy
At how high we soar
As we leave behind this earth with laughter
Forever entwined in a timeless ever after
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Senses
If I were to love with just my senses, then I’d forget you at goodbye
Senses are mere vessels to manifest you into this world
Goodbyes have no place here
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Long road
Nothing changed yet everything did
As I took each turn in the road
Every last time was always on time
As I took each turn on the road
Your names reclaimed, only memories remained
As I took each turn in the road
Never again was never the end
Another friend fell behind at the bend
To walk alone
Are we the condemned?
I still look for you at the turn in the road..
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The Cave
Love yourself
Love myself?
Love the shadows on the wall?
What’s casting them?
Is it me?
My self?
My ego?
Is it everything?
Is loving myself turning around?
I wish I knew how to turn this thing around
I have to admit, I don’t love this
The shadows are too black and white
I want to feel the heat of the fire on my face
Look beyond the flames and see
See Everything
See it for what it really is
Unchained and unfettered
Maybe, see what’s worth loving?
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Coveting nostalgia
Pain embrace the warmth of rays that beseech your clouds to part
Intertwine your fingers with her and tell the rains no more
Learn how to love the memories and yearn to form a scar
You grow listless lost in this wistful mist
Seek solace in the chapters closed, for you rode the pen to the end
Now draw in this night and seek the dawn of the next
Let the bitter slowly sweeten, for we are broken now but we are surely not yet beaten
