I can’t see the lines in my palms sometimes
Like I scrubbed too hard and washed them off by accident
I’m not sure where they went…
Nor am I now too sure about where I’m going
…It is still me right?
Category: Experiences
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Eye to I
We are no longer lovers,
This, I can see…
We are no longer one,
That is evident to me.
So I ask of you, old friend,
If our paths, ever cross again,
Please, do not meet my eyes,
For I cannot trust that my heart will agree,
That this was all we were ever to be—
To be once upon a time,
And then never to be,
From a gaze to a glance…inevitably,
That we are no longer lovers,
Whatever my eyes may see,
Whatever my eyes may see…
-
Shadow boxing
Oh my days… Are we doing it now!?
Tsk, whyy bro?
Every time man…
Fucks sake, okay let’s do it!
Let’s ride this wave again…
Okay, put em up!
Gotta roll with the punches!..
Man, I’m eating punches for breakfast, brunch and lunch
Suddenly, feeling like a chump, a mug, a wasteman,
Wish I could give you all a taste man
Okay, that’s a lie, I don’t wish this on you
One minute chilling, next minute sad,
Don’t know why these tears be spilling,
While my brain’s chanting –
You’re bad!
You’re bad!
You’re bad!
Ahh, my bad bro…
I thought I was drinking my tea
Now I’m sinking in my seat, with feelings of defeat surging,
Urging me to think,
Sink, think, then sink some more!
Before I can even ask what for, the wave’s already crashed through the door,
Like a punch to the jaw
Now I’ve spilt my tea all over the floor
I’m reeling…
Where has all the calm gone that I was feeling?
Can’t deal, man, this is long
Feeling alright and then all of a sudden – wrong!
Like what the hell? It’s like I slapped myself,
Clapped my own head for feeling good
How dare I, how did I even think I could?
Wait, wait, wait!
Hold up!?
How dare I?
How dare you, bro!
Nah man, allow it!
I’m done!
I ain’t throwing fists this time,
No red mist this time,
Not listening to your list this time
Come on bruv, I got you!
It’s calm, it’s calm,
No harm, no foul
Stop scowling, it’s okay,
Just having a moment, relax, we got the whole day
Remember 5 minutes ago, when it didn’t feel this way?
Let’s bring it back
Breathe, my brother, breathe
Remember the exercise?
Four seconds in,
Hold for four
Six seconds out
Hold….
Hold….
4,4,6,4
You can do it
Calm your heart, it’s all good, it’s all good!
There we go
No blame,
No shame
Just remember to breathe
Remember your name
Open your eyes my bro
See it’s all good now
It’s all good
See, I knew you could
Told you man,
You’re not doing this alone anymore
I get it though…
It’s hard to walk past that closet door,
When all those skeletons rattle inside
It’s like a battle inside,
Like everything matters inside
When the skeletons chatter, something shatters inside
But still, you open the door,
Almost like an addiction,
Yeah, an addiction!
Like you’re drawn to affliction,
It’s the same old fiction but you wanna hear the remix
Bruv, it’s not in our remit, even though it might seem it
It’s dead down there
Let the skeletons dance in the dark
We take our chances in the light,
Upstairs where it’s illuminated
Let’s go, you’re done ruminating
We got baited by old habits,
All love bro, we don’t do hating anymore ♥️
It’s okay…
I rate you for snapping out of it though
No more punches?
Shall we finish our lunch?
Shall we wave the wave goodbye?
Yeah?
Done?
You good?
You calm?
Safe, go make me another cuppa tea then innit! 🫖
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Esmeralda lost
Standing before the Notre-Dame,
Marveling at its resurrection,
Risen again, it stands anew, with disjointed imperfection.
The old and new bond at the cracks,
Befitting, one could say,
Its old resident – the hunchback.
I guess it is perception and belief
That can make joy of grief—
From faded façades to restored reliefs,
To the roof tiles above and ceilings beneath.
I marveled at this fallen cathedral,
Once again standing tall,
Though I wish I hadn’t noticed one thing:
The solitary shadow gazing back from the walls.
-
My shadow
I abandoned you again didn’t I?
I promised you’d be seen and heard
That we would do this together
My ride or die that cannot be cured
That even the very notion is absurd
You were screaming in pain and I wouldn’t meet your eye
Scoffed when you cried, said you deserved it for all the lies and failures
I sounded like everyone else, as if I was one of them
I denied you a voice
Judged your choice to be your virtue
I really wanted to hurt you
Even wished that you would die
To be gone for good
To be lost to oblivion
Oblivious to the obvious paradox once again
That, you are me
I was done with you as my shadow
As if you were something to uncouple
Well, you burst that bubble didn’t you?
Thought I could drown out your pleading
Thought I could think you into a corner
You warned me once before but I never learned
When I tried to sever you, I bled too
Tried to shed myself of your weight from my shoulders
Denied you headspace
Tried to evict your every evocation and send you on a permanent vacation
You had to be heard though
So you beat your drum in my chest
Stole away my rest, so I could feel what you feel
The harder I pushed, the tighter you gripped my heart
Our heart
And that was just the start
You had nowhere else to go
You had no other choice, I know
I’m so sorry
You needed me and I kept kicking
Until you eventually kicked back
Until I became the shadow
And saw everything you saw
Until I cried for help, as if I was wronged
You had to be explicit for me to accept,
That I too was complicit
You waited patiently for me to sit with you, knowing I had to fall to find you
I’m so sorry
It’s so damp and cold down here
How do you even breathe?
The echoes are deafening
Gosh, I’m so sorry
I, I don’t think I’m ready to hug you yet
I still need time
But I’m willing to sit with you and plan our escape one day..
Together?
-
Desert of Solitude
In this desert of solitude, quivers
The shadow of your voice,
The chimera of your touch
A warm breeze rises over the horizon,
Lifting the dunes into the sky,
As though God himself turned back the sands of time.
Enveloped in this blanket, my love,
The burning sun of distance between us, is a mere candle,
Spilling into dusk’s horizon, akin to a toppled chalice.
Although the chalice has long since dried,
It is as though the intoxication of our first union has reignited the barren sky,
And the fireflies are dancing once again.
Such is the fragrance of your memory,
Sweet jasmine on these winds of solitude.This was my interpretation inspired by the Urdu poem: Dasht-e-tanhaayi by Faiz Ahmed Faiz
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To forget your name
Jaan, I hold the memories close:
In the pause between breaths,
In the stillness between thoughts,
In the calm between moments.
I whisper your name—
How long since it danced on my lips?
How long since my heart skipped to its mention?
This self-inflicted torment—
Disrupting a sunny day,
Disturbing a mind seeking solace.
Oh, to forget it all:
The pain of losing you, yesterday,
The dread of remembering you, tomorrow…*Jaan = Urdu / Hindi term of endearment meaning life
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Mirror selfie
Gosh, it feels so selfish,
All this stuff about oneself is like standing in a gallery full of selfies, saying, “Oh wow, look it’s me!”
Smile and say cheese, oh please!
How much more juice will you squeeze, hasn’t this cow been milked dry?
Stop asking why, instead, ask what’s next?
Deflect from this worn subject, embark on a new project.
Let’s be objective, and a little less reflective.
How will we gain a new perspective if our gaze is in the mirror?
We’ve polished it enough, but it’s not getting any clearer.
This is all there is, but this is really enough.
It isn’t that rough
It’s just a bit uncomfortable,
Feels tough moving forward, but it’s your reflection that’s in the way.
There are more dimensions to you than this mirror could ever convey.
It would be dismayed at how much it cannot know, thus cannot show you.
It’s always in the past.
That reflection always arrives last.
So, come let’s cast the mirror to one side and see the unknown.
You already know you.
You have indulged enough in self-loathing and self-soothing,
Giving your ego a massage, and then a bruising.
It’s a suffering awash in privilege,
The root of it all was valid, but these flowers are getting excessive.
Imagine what could be imagined!
Isn’t that more impressive?
Help right some new wrongs.
Stop writing personal possessives.
It’s obsessive, bordering on oppressive.
Crawl out of the recesses of your mind.
It’s time to draw a line in your grey matter.
Honestly assess if what you say matters.
Come on now…
You’re corroborating reveries
These fragments of correlating energies
They’re just memories of memories.
I’m sure you already know,
I’m fragile, and the cracks are beginning to show.
I think… I think it is time you let me go.
Kind regards,
your ego
-
Laundry day
Friends tell me, Everything happens for a reason.
A hollow platitude dismissing discourse; disarming of any control.
Stoics tell me, It doesn’t matter, it’s all out of your control.’
Forget the heroics and the storytelling.
Focus on your actions and choices alone.
My therapist tells me, Your actions are an inevitable result of everything that came before.
Learn to forgive and accept what is.
There is no hope for control here either.
Go with the flow, and they will say, I don’t think so!
Don’t let life happen to you, take control!
Seize the day, get the universe to work for you!
The friggin’ universe can work for me??
Yet I have no control over my actions, thoughts, or beliefs?
What to make of these mixed messages?
I guess no-one really knows.
I guess it doesn’t really matter anyway.
Come on universe, we’ve got some laundry to do…
-
Sunday brews
I woke up late this blessed Sunday morning
No rush today, even the birds were yawning
All my chores done, there’s nothing for me to do
Nothing to do, except feel blue over you
I wasn’t expecting any guests today
So why were the blues standing in my hallway?
I barely set foot out of my bedroom
As upon my shoulders climbed the gloom
Please not today! I begged and I pleaded
I had a good week, I thought I succeeded?
The blues turned to me yet said nothing at all
His silent treatment always makes me feel small
So I guess we’re doing this? Fine let’s make some tea
No need for two cups, he just likes to watch me
The sun was still outside but that is where it stayed
Today the blues and I, will parley in the shade
Did you miss me all week? Is that why you didn’t knock?
Sorry friend I was busy running down the clock
Filling my time with all sorts to fill it
Holding it together so I dont accidentally spill it
What shall we talk about then old friend?
I won’t say ‘Im fine’, no need to pretend
Regret, guilt or shall we try something new?
Whatever it is friend, just make sure it’s true
You have a penchant for adding extra spice
Trust me though, what we already have will suffice
Just don’t take up the whole day please
Leave at least some of it for me to seize…
-
A chorus of crows
Feeling numb to the world
The crows caw again and its jarring
I feel nothing
I refuse
Utterly bemused and broken
Lost and confused
I leave the window open
Hoping you’ll fly home to me
And we’ll cry in an embrace
I’ll wipe away the tears
And trace once again your face
The contours and lines
Will once again be mine
And we’ll become one in time
Unselfed and unshackled
Indifferent to idle chatter
Far above the cackle of the crows below
They’ll watch on in envy
At how high we soar
As we leave behind this earth with laughter
Forever entwined in a timeless ever after
-
The big man
People give space when you look like me
I’m pretty big and broad you see
I saunter at a leisurely pace
Lumbering like a gorilla on a Sunday stroll
You wouldn’t ask me the time or to take a picture
Now that’s not to say I look mean
I’m harmless but I guess you see the potential
Calculate the risk and give me a wider berth
The armour I’ve built is doing its job I guess
A little too well
I designed it to shield myself and those I love
A human shield you could say
So impenetrable it seems that even kindness can’t get in
You won’t see me and offer a word of comfort
Or an offer to join you
At most a smile to pacify the big man sitting alone
In hopes he smiles back and leaves you alone
I see you shifting anxiously so I bury myself in my phone
Catching my big man’s reflection
Remembering what you see
For I am invisible
But not the big man
-
Senses
If I were to love with just my senses, then I’d forget you at goodbye
Senses are mere vessels to manifest you into this world
Goodbyes have no place here
-
Long road
Nothing changed yet everything did
As I took each turn in the road
Every last time was always on time
As I took each turn on the road
Your names reclaimed, only memories remained
As I took each turn in the road
Never again was never the end
Another friend fell behind at the bend
To walk alone
Are we the condemned?
I still look for you at the turn in the road..
-
The Cave
Love yourself
Love myself?
Love the shadows on the wall?
What’s casting them?
Is it me?
My self?
My ego?
Is it everything?
Is loving myself turning around?
I wish I knew how to turn this thing around
I have to admit, I don’t love this
The shadows are too black and white
I want to feel the heat of the fire on my face
Look beyond the flames and see
See Everything
See it for what it really is
Unchained and unfettered
Maybe, see what’s worth loving?
-
Elders
Am I now the elder I looked up to?
Man it don’t feel that way
I wonder, were they fucked up too?
Did they feel they strayed, often lay awake afraid thinking that they’re corrupt too?
Running out of elders to ask now
I ran out on my own, to own it alone
Now I’m home alone in a home on loan
Due on rent but never paid due to my ‘rents
Or did I? It’s hard to say
Look, it was hard to stay
It was inevitable we’d part ways
I wanted to say I did it my way
But my way meant the highway
Cos conditions weren’t good for me to thrive
Cos I was conditioned to just ‘be good’ to survive
When I hit the highway though..man I never felt so alive
Driving my hand me down
Wishing they could see me now
1.6 focus zetec
Telling myself it’s my time
It’s me next
I’m gonna smash the world
Gonna get me a girl
And all the basics a tween gets gassed about
15 years later I’ve got a hangover and a stitch
Man I’m gassed out
I need to stretch it out
Downward dog this thing
Sometimes, I feel I’m barking mad
Happy half the time and for that I’m glad
Grateful for the memories when I’m feeling sad
Sometimes, I think I’m just like my dad
He’s mad anxious and introspective
Reflective to the point that he’s ineffective
I can only see myself though, I’m being selfish
Cos beyond all his doubts he has forgiveness, kindness and a compassionate ease
Thank you dad, for giving me a piece of your mind
It’s not a sickness
It’s not a disease
Just gotta keep it in check
And forgive it sometimes
Give it some time
Help it not relive all the times
Maybe perhaps just stick it in a rhyme?
Shit that was deep for me..
Like something an elder would say?
Maybe one day
Now let me go dye those greys
Oh..wait..
-
Coveting nostalgia
Pain embrace the warmth of rays that beseech your clouds to part
Intertwine your fingers with her and tell the rains no more
Learn how to love the memories and yearn to form a scar
You grow listless lost in this wistful mist
Seek solace in the chapters closed, for you rode the pen to the end
Now draw in this night and seek the dawn of the next
Let the bitter slowly sweeten, for we are broken now but we are surely not yet beaten
-
Limelight
Everyone tells me it’s simple
It’s seems so simple in theory
In a feeling, in a poem, in my heart I feel it all
So why won’t my mind let me believe?
Why does it fight love with fear?
I just want to be here and live the story
Not write my own
It’s a vast stage already
Why do I insist on doing improv in the cloakroom?
You can’t have dialog while reciting a soliloquy
Hear what is said and not what you think
That’s what I think people try to say
Reality is out there but what is real?
Their version or mine?
I have to trust that they nor I know
Yet we have to trust the dialog and engage
Here comes the fear demanding certainty
This floor open to unpredictability overwhelms me
Or is it you fear, that is overwhelmed?
I’m curious to see down the road
You wish to know it all before you know
See the end before we’re into the second act
At least read a review first
Yet this stage never ends
Exit stage left brings us right back to where we are
So next time let’s stay in the limelight a little longer
Or shall I say, I stay in the limelight
I can hold your hand in the shadow if you want?
But you follow me
-
Snakes and platters
Spinning plates in the dark isn’t easy
Down here with the snakes and crawling things
Do I spin or find the floor?
Could someone lend an ear?
All I hear is hissing
Listen for me please?
Those plates won’t spin themselves
Which one will fall?
Which one is out of control?
In the dark there’s more questions than answers
Endlessly spinning
Waltzing in this vortex of plates and snakes
I’m getting dizzy
But I can’t find the floor
And those plates won’t spin themselves
I said that already
But I can’t find the floor
And those plates won’t spin themselves..
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