Am I writing you out of me,
or writing you into existence?
Does the paper take the weight of the words,
or immortalise a fleeting thought?
Oh the irony…
Category: Experiences
-
Silence
For the longest time there was stillness
Unspoilt, uncracked, unbreakable
Until silence awoke and spoke to me
She broke through and spoke to me
She spoke in such a way,
That I heard her voice
Though not a sound was made,
I heard her voice
Though not even a blade of grass did move
At once, I was soothed and scolded
Soothed by her presence in solitude
The companion I could hardly discern
She held me and strengthened my fortitude
Though her touch was not gentle, I learned
If I had known it would burn,
If I had known it would burn so deeply
I would have chosen to keep her at bay
Instead of harbouring her voice
Harbouring her voice so close,
As if to savour the sensations
The sensations of her labouring intonations
Savouring her lamentations
Or did she just echo mine?
Did I pour my heart out willingly?
Or did she decanter this wine?
When did I become her cupbearer?
The cupbearer of silence
Did she have my acquiescence by design?
Or did I seek her counsel?
Perhaps she was always here
Biding her time
Biding her time to thaw the stillness
To breach these walls
Knowing they’d fall
Knowing I’d seek her call
I wonder,
Did I finally choose to listen that night?
Or was I compelled to stay?
The night that silence spoke to me
When she spoke in such a way,
That all I could hear was her voice
As if I even…
As if I even had another choice
-
Unravelling I
Why is one never full?
I fear this appetite will be the death of me
Yet, I will still ask why
As my last breath slips through my throat
This insatiable desire to know,
Tell me how,
Tell me why!
And then why and why again
For a moment, I’ll pretend I’m done—
I’m satisfied
Untrue
Deep inside, I’m never satiated
The wise say, “to be is all”;
All else is white noise
Make the wise choice to accept that being is enough
And then diffusing as does ink in an ocean swell
As does the sweet fragrance of jasmine
Stolen from its home by the breeze
As does the sunset kissing the horizon
Yes, yes, yes!
I understand the concept
I’ve read the works and felt the shiver of being
The shiver is evanescent
Yet my thirst, is an unquenchable curse
A famous poet spoke of a thousand desires
Many fulfilled, yet the yearn for more burned inside
In truth, this is all I know
To know
To know I know not enough
To know that knowing is peering through the looking glass;
To be is the other side—
Is peering inside oneself
Finding the source of I
Removing I from within the heart—
As the old Sufi – Bulleh Shah – once pondered
It all sounds so profound yet impossibly simple
I wonder where to begin…
There it is again
I wonder, before I can pretend that I do not exist
I always come first—
Ego before everything else
A prisoner to I
I think…
I think I will wonder why
Until the ink is lost in the swell
Just as it was before I ever wondered
As it will be long after I cease to be
I wonder how long that is
Perhaps it is not for I to know,
Perhaps the question is the folly
I wonder what will unravel first
The thread I’m pulling or I?
-
Urban Buddha
A whirring fridge,
Intermittent hissing
from an old boiler
And the clacking staccato
of a suitcase bouncing
along the pavement outside
With me in the middle
The conductor of this cacophony
Struggling to harmonise
this discorded orchestra
As the magpie is tone deaf,
And that leafblower
is messing up the crescendo…
I think I’m meditating wrong
-
Tethered self
Everyday, I close my eyes
Exhaling slowly, I ascend to the heavens
Revelling in the footnote like significance of I
For a moment, I see the minutiae that is I
A speck of self-aware dust,
Lost in a blink yet suffering with meaning
Supposedly, I am one and none
Naive conjecture or is it my blindness that is naive?
Inhaling, I’m betrayed again by the I within
That merely flirts with oneness but is tethered to this world
Afflicted with desires, wants and dreams
Wryly smiling at the irony of the want to be free
Exhaling slowly, I pull against these chains once again
-
A writer’s conundrum
The beauty I find in disarray
Turns dismay into a hobby, a pastime
Memories of a time past
Felt everlasting once, but couldn’t,
Alas they must remain in disarray,
In shards,
In pieces,
Broken strings not to be threaded
For there was no single story,
No one narrative,
No words to be lost, recalled, revised or omitted
Only the essence,
The sentiment,
The tender sting of nostalgia
Raw emotion in perpetuity
With I, in servitude to it’s beautiful ambiguity
-
Ghostwriter
With no free will
These words were always to be
No mistakes, No second takes or abandoned verses
Each ends as it began, as it was written, as it was dreamed
Consciousness flowing through lucid streams
Always to be,
Never to wake
Not ever knowing why
For I was destined to ask,
And ask, and ask.
-
The man
I’m a man’s man,
I don’t ask for no help
I go through hell alone and have a story to tell!
Down at the bar with my bros every blue moon
Cos I don’t see the need, in seeming to need to see them too soon
They don’t need to see behind the scenes and lose the mystique
Like a couple hours earlier when I was crying alone in my bedroom
That shit is too bleak,
I’d rather hide than seek a shoulder to cry on
I’m meant to be the strong one
The one they rely on
The joker, the charmer, the rational thinker
Part-time stoic and full-time drinker
Taking shot after shot but I don’t tend to the wounds
I only intend to consume
Letting nothing spill out
Drowning out the sorrow
Taking the pain home with interest tomorrow
To the same room where I sat and I cried
I’ll sit again and again I’ll ask why:
Why, why do I feel so disconnected?
Why do I feel so empty and rejected?
Why do I feel lonely when I’m rarely alone?
Why do I feel like a stranger when I sit on my own?
The guy from the bar now sat in my home,
He isn’t me
He’s a bunch of pleasantries and open ended questions
Hoping to blend into the scene without making a scene,
He’s seen by all but completely unseen
Shocked by it all, like some unforeseen circumstance
Even though every day, it’s the same old song and dance
But still, I’m a mans man
I don’t ask for no help
Better to burn alone than be dragged from this hell
Can’t risk the reveal by trusting another
By sharing how I feel with a man I call brother
Imagine if he knew all the darkness and pain
Would he meet my eye again or think I’m insane?
I’d rather reject myself and play another role
Instead of revealing the whole,
Revealing my soul,
Instead of pleading ‘Help me,
Please get me out of this hole!’
The man.
-
A void dance
If I look to the world for company, I find it fleeting
I forget every time that you’re in here all along
Beating gently within and without,
The only certainty atop my mountain of doubt
I need not listen for your whispers,
For in that straining, the undue pain of loneliness is paid with interest
Torment replaces rest, and your peace is drowned
Let me go
Let me drown instead
End that ego that begins and ends in my head
Become nothing,
Where it all begins with no end
Embrace the void,
To feel full again.
-
Writer’s block
Writer’s block, writer’s block
One more try before my brain is locked
It’s like my mind clocked out
Got knocked out cold
No fresh ideas
They’re all covered in mould
Dusty and old
Brain is stuck and I can’t think straight
Don’t usually think
The pen doesn’t wait
It leaves my mind behind at the starting gate
Like it channels something else,
From a higher state
That tingly feeling
As the words gravitate down,
Or do I levitate up?
I’m not so sure
But there’s a disconnect,
A weak signal
Whatever it is, I’m left bereft
In a state of creative paralysis
Just rhyming out this analysis
It’s all the mind knows,
It’s trying its best
It knows how to structure,
But it can’t do the rest
I’ve lost it I think
Nothing is linking up
Can’t find the words
This is getting absurd
Can’t hide anymore
I’m unmasked
Can’t answer for myself
I don’t know what to say
Ironic I’m aware
Chronicling despair
Feels cold,
Feels naked
Forgot to rhyme
I’m disconnected..
-
Insomnia
Time to put my head down
Get me some sleep
Gotta fight the devil first
Cos he’s grabbing my feet!
Through the sheets, I feel the heat
Man, I almost skip a heart beat!
I start to sweat as he jumps on my chest
Safe bet tonight I won’t be getting no rest
I hear his whispers of indifference to the predicament I’m in
He knows I’m listening and whimpering cos I’m troubled within
Troubled by him
Troubled by his stupid little devilish grin
Like an urchin, got me begging for scraps
Got me begging for my freedom,
Cos I’m caught in his trap
But the devil is a prick
This be his bread and butter
Filling my head with so much dread that I stammer and stutter,
Spluttering out my feeble little plea
Please Mr devil sir, tonight just let me be..
Tonight just let me sleep, let me drift into dreams
Please don’t follow me and turn this gift into screams!
Stuck again in this present tense situation
With his unwanted presence
My acquiescence,
And unwavering consternation
Same old conversation,
That never concludes
Whether I engage or not, I do not get to choose
I do not get to snooze
I just lose
Tick tick tick the hours slip away
I hear it second hand as he counts down every minute
This devil’s level of detail pushing me to my limit
Pushing me to admit that tonight he might just win it,
Fuck it…
I give up
Theres no point in persevering
All these decibels make my ears ring
I toss and I turn but I still hear him
No glossing over the burning of my glazed eyes stinging,
As his shrill voice singes my cochlea
Singing his sweet serenade as my renegade heart palpitates a beat to this endless rendition called..insomnia
Oh if I could only get some sleep..
I can’t get no sleep…
-
Black dog
There’s a lone black dog locked out in the cold
His chain rattling against the pole staked deep
Pacing in circles, dawn to dusk an imprisoned sundial
His shadow snaps at weary ankles
As he ponders how bad a dog he must be.
-
Duelling
I only have compassion for you
When you’re apart from me
If I could see you sitting there,
Side by side, shoulders slumped,
Heavy,
I’d feel something for you
I could even hug you,
Whether you let me or not
It doesn’t matter—
I’d see you though,
Saying nothing
I’d feel you
When you’re someone else,
It’s easier
They say, be disciplined with yourself,
Be kind to others
My discipline was always the stick
I beat you down and then put you over there
I see you again,
And I care—
Enough to want to hold you
It must be tough to only exist when it hurts,
To be seen only through pain
Why is it easier this way?
Imagine there was no you or I,
Neither together nor apart,
No more dueling with duality,
No victim, no villain
To never see you again—
How beautiful that would be,
To be,
Only to be.
-
Mr Brown
All I wanted was connection,
But in the face of such rejection
I internalised this feeling and internalised my frown
But don’t say it’s cos your brown man
Nah man don’t say it’s cos your brown
Why identify with pain?
Can’t you see we’re all the same?
There’s no colours, only lovers, only love for one another, We all sisters, we all brothers
Why identify as ‘other’?
Don’t say it’s cos your brown though
Nah, don’t say it’s cos your brown
Other, over there,
Wrong side of the gate
Got kicked over cos of fear,
Got pushed over cos of hate
Saying we’re all the same,
Just shows you can’t relate
Can’t even contemplate
The level of contempt that can tempt a man to kill
With no hesitation
How hate infiltrates his mind, like he thinks we have this nation
Wants his country back,
Didn’t know it was his nation
Mr Misinformation,
Blaming us for the state of this damn nation
Blinkered to the truth cos my skin is his fixation
Reading horror stories on the net
Thread after thread,
Of total fabrication
Wish I could change the station
But every channel is overflowing,
With boat loads of frustration
That is what I’m dealing with,
That’s the situation
I want to believe we are the same
No colours, no others, no shame
Cos identity is heavy man,
It’s like dragging around a chain
That started with your name,
But where does the chain end?
When will the pain end?
It makes the mind bend
The cognitive dissonance,
The ambivalence to one another
Like, who drew the line that made us the ‘other’?
Who decided which colours paint us coloured?
Why can’t we tear up this playbook?
Instead of tearing each other down?
I’d love to internalise your love for me
Turn this frown upside down
Eventually forget I ever said..
It might be cos I’m brown, man,
It might be cos I’m brown..
-
Little monster
I’m thinking about all the best friends I’ve had
Life happened, and they had to go
When did you go, though?
I forgot you were the first
Together, we’d make up the worst stories,
Glorious games with stupid names,
The ending always the same
We’d fight the monster and win,
Pinning him down with throw cushions
He’d be wishing that he never started the fight!
That’s right,
We beat him again,
Sending him packing back to hell
We’d be flexing and roaring,
With one hell of a story to tell!
Man, those were the days
It was never lonely when we were together
You’d make up stupid songs that never rhymed,
Remember? And they always had poops and farts in them,
Real works of art
Man, it’s such a blur now
Randomly they get served up in my head, and it tickles me,
How little we needed when we were small
It was you and I
So, when did we stop being friends?
Maybe around 9 or 10?
Around the time we stopped playing pretend?
Funny how much pretend I play now
I pretend I don’t, but I do
It’s all a bit confusing,
You wouldn’t understand
When we played, it was for fun and adventure
Now it’s to get through the day
You’d think I’d be an expert with all the practice we had
But it’s tough man
The feeling of never being enough man
Feels rough
It was easier when you were around
It sounds weird to say, but I wished you were here
By my side so we could fight the monsters together,
Wherever they may be
Sometimes in the world,
But mostly inside of me
I think that’s how I found you again
Lately, I’ve been reading these fancy books
And talking to fancy people
They’re trying to help fight the monsters,
But it’s not the same
It was more fun when it was a game,
When I didn’t know the monster had a name
That it wasn’t always a monster but a friend I forgot
In my blind spot, running alongside me,
Begging to be let back inside,
Screaming and afraid
The monsters were chasing him too,
I’m sorry, old friend,
I wish… I wish I knew…
The monster I was running from… it was you.
-
Clutching clouds
Don’t hold passing clouds to account
You only see what you want to see
Only when you thought ‘to be’
Did they become what they ought to be,
Ought for you alone though,
Wrought through thoughts you sought to see
Caught up in your overwrought thoughts,
The distraught cloud pleads,
“Please! Oh please! Just let me be!
I did not seek your sky,
It was just the wind that carried me
It’s time to let me go now
Please, oh please, just set me free!
To be must end with not to be…”
-
Al fresco solo
To the naked eye, it’s an empty chair
Off white or weathered, maybe
Whether it is or isn’t is moot
The conversation I’m having with it is still a hoot
Or should I say, the face I see
The voice I hear
Between the waves crashing off the promenade
And the murmurings of other guests
It really is a busy night for dining
The bustle and the humidity
This table is a small sanctuary
Still, the clinking and drinking is causing such a din
I wish they’d hush so I could hear you better
Would it be rude for me to shush them?
Maybe confusing
Yeah, perhaps I shouldn’t
Let’s not indulge the delusion
You’re in my ear
For once I’ll say, speak louder so I can hear
First time for everything
I wonder what you’re saying
There’s a sarcastic twinkle in your eye
Don’t deny it, I can see
What is it you find so funny?
Okay, fine, I’ll stop hassling, let’s eat…
But when I look back to catch you off-guard
It’s the off white chair looking back
Slightly weathered, maybe
I forgot it was empty
I forgot I was…
There’s no…
It’s just me
-
No man No cry
This is in tribute to a favourite song of mine No man No cry by Jimmy Sax:
How does the sax man do it?
What’s in those notes that pull with beautiful pain?
It hurts so bad as the sax screams ‘no man no cry!’
No cry? But the journey is down a path where something died—
A part of me,
A world that ended,
Smouldering slowly..
That sax… killing me softly,
A heady nostalgic concoction flowing into my veins.
I’m shaking, but the high is fleeting,
I want to make my heart stop beating.
Succumb to the sound,
Get lost in the memory I just found.
Or is it a reverie? I can’t be sure,
There is no cure,
There is no cure.
Such is the sound,
The sax is tearing me down.
On my knees, I’m begging stop!
Please don’t stop!
Wait!
My heart… it’s remembering something,
It hurts but it’s beautiful,
This memory that was once and then never to be.
Stop but don’t stop please!
What are you doing to me?
I’m losing myself,
Dancing with ghosts to this haunting melody.
Wait, I recognize these visages,
These evanescent mirages swirling just out of reach,
Twirling faster as the high notes screech.
It burns but please don’t stop!
There’s a beauty in this beyond words,
Way beyond cognition,
An inferno from another realm,
Ignited by each note of your rendition.
You’ve killed me once again…
And as I come blinking back to life,
The mirages fade,
My heart wipes a tear.
I failed you, sax man,
You said: ‘No man no cry.’
I’d say I tried…
But that would be a lie
-
Eid chaand (moon)
They say Eid has come and gone,
Twice over!
The streets are scented with rose petals and fatty aromas of feasts from every home
Pristine pressed garments adorn the happy crowds,
Flowing like flags at full mast in jubilation,
Like sails gently billowing with each excited breath
Gleeful faces embrace with glistening gazes,
Rising above this gentle hum of joyful chatter, a chorus of “Eid Mubarak” echoes in every ear
“Eid is here! Eid is here!”
A small child runs through the town, beaming,
Screaming,
As his little prayer hat bounces around his crown.
A nostalgic, soothing sound
Yet I stand here confused,
Bemused and surprised
How can it be Eid today, when my moon has yet to rise?
I’ve been searching now for days,
It’s like she vanished,
Like she fell out of the sky
It’s empty up there,
As am I down here
Where is my moon?
Have you seen her?
Eluding my eyes, yet consuming my mind,
I’m looking up, but the clouds refuse to part
My heart races,
Eyes darting across the skies in vain
Mystified, I’m misty-eyed,
All I feel is the rain
It sure doesn’t feel like Eid…
In this sea of celebration,
I’m adrift, seeking her gaze
My moon…
I only find her absence when I look up
The air feels stagnant without her scent,
The feasts lack flavor and festivities premature
Why is everyone celebrating?
Eid isn’t here
I think the Imam made a mistake
It can’t be Eid without her…
It can’t be Eid without her!
She’s not in the sky
It can’t be Eid without her
No, I’m not crazy, this is!
So stop all the hugs and kisses
Take down the lights and turn off the stoves
Go home
I’ll look again tomorrow…
Perhaps a glimpse tomorrow?
Inshallah…
-
Snaked on a train
The tracks are doing that morse-code thing again
When the train is somewhere down the line, just round the bend
The platform’s rumbling as the sign switches to ‘due’
The train’s now ambling slowly into view…
Cue the queue rushing through to the knobbly edge, That’s saying ‘down there ain’t for you, unless well you want to…’
Damn that intrusive thought every time man, like my brain is saying ‘you shouldn’t but you know you can man’,
Imagine if…
No brain hush now!
Enough out of you, we got places to be,
That dumb ass thought bro, stop distracting me!
You’re bored is all, you just wait and see!
Soon we gonna be outta this place,
Soon we gonna be free!
You say that every time though, why can’t we ever just stay?
Always a shit excuse, like the weather’s too grey,
Just admit that you’re afraid
You downplay everything that you say was nice in the beginning,
On day one you’re like, bro we’re winning!
By day whatever, it’s just excuse after excuse!
Are you for real? How obtuse can you get?
You forget that you do the thinking
Pleasure, regret, horny or even upset
That’s all you bro,
Don’t tell me I do this ‘every time’
I’m just an accomplice
Mere tools to help you accomplish… actually what the hell is it you’re trying to accomplish?
Bitch please! I just process what you perceive,
Say what you see
Show you the world as you want it to be
Layout the reasons for you to believe
Like ‘to be or not to be’
That doesn’t mean shit to me
I was chilling just keeping us fed and alive
You decided we gotta do more,
What was it again?
Oh yeah, we gotta thrive!
Is this thriving?
We’re arguing over who the fuck is driving!
And though this is all very exciting, the train that was arriving is about to depart!
Though maybe we could actually, you know stay?
Try this new thing called ‘not running away’
Don’t worry brain, while you were squawking, we were walking mate
If you stopped rambling and looked out
You’d see we’re about to leave
There’s no reprieve with you is there?
Believe me bro, when you’re like this,
I wish I could leave you behind
Why? Because I remind you that you’re running again?
Catching train after train?
Man when will this end?
I’m just trying to be your friend,
If you stopped pretending you’re on your own
For once looked up from your phone
Saw that you can’t keep doing this alone
Admit that one of these stops has got to be home!
Enough!
Can you just go back to narrating?
Finish the story that we were creating,
Maybe, I don’t know, talk about how train delays can be grating
All this dialogue is getting frustrating
I was writing a story and you got us debating
Alright… whatever you say, it’s your loss
I’ll do as I’m told…
You are the boss…
…Train delays are so grating
Predictable in their unpredictability
Kinda like avoidance..
Oh you motherfuc…Fine I’m putting the phone away,
Finish writing this another day
There’s not much left to say anyway
And oh look! The sky is looking grey
I was right. Ha!
Slow clap…
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