Sometimes I feel—
I feel too strongly
Often wrongly though
In ways that feel so heavy man
Burdening myself with weights so great
That leg day becomes a necessity
Need to have a lengthy word with myself
Get me to change the recipe
Cos all these salty thoughts are hurting my health
Unnecessary self-inflicted pressure
Flipping the script on moments meant for pleasure
Moments to treasure
Moments to revel in having no meaning whatsoever
Then again…
Then again, all this sensitivity has a flipside too
Like when the sun waves hello
Or when Prince shreds another guitar solo
I get more feels and words to describe them than you
Would love to share them to prove that it’s true
You wish I didn’t—
but that’s your arzoo
That’s right bro… multilingual too!
But nah… not today my guy
I’m gonna stay in these feels
You’ll just have to take my word for it
Bye Felicia! ✌🏽
Category: Experiences
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I am very feel
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stargazing
Our glances align,
a fine silk thread
across a constellation.
How long will this sun
dwell in your house?
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fanaa
You were supposed to be found within
Away from the cacophony of the world
Somewhere buried beneath the rubble of all my lifetimes
Pushing away the rocks, I’d find you
I know I heard you,
In each chord,
In the space between each note
The flutter from within
As though my heart took flight
Into a fever dream
Clouding all judgements until only your rains remained
Soaking me through
Cooling my fever
Unstitching myself one thread at a time
Untethering my soul
If I were to believe in such things
Perhaps, I’d believe in you
Your wingbeat breeze
Adrift already before it arrived
Are you a reaction, a spark or is this fleeting sensation the only moment I stop being?
If so, then captivate me until I am no more
For when I searched for you within
Under the ruins of every last time
All I found was, myself
Languishing in the dark
Searching for those chords again
Searching for your joy again
Pushing past me as if some nuisance
Disturbing his search
An obstacle in his way
I feel his enmity
As though I don’t belong
An intruder in his territory
A discord, distorting the melody
Disinterested in the irony of our duality
That we seek the same chords
The same soaring crescendos
Yet when we search for you
When we search for the void
We only find each other
In the way again and again and again
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Contactless
My hamster wheel is as big as the London Eye
Two escalators up
Then two more back down
Round and round
On repeat
One hand cuffed to the rail
In the other, the key
Choosing to pay
For something that’s free
This is anxiety
Done socially
Strangers assembling
So intimately
Achieving discomfort
Almost comfortablely
Standing on the right
Not doing it for me
I should tap out
Eventually
Yeah…
Jump the barrier!
Okay no, too far
I’ll just tap out
Beeeeep 📱
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Burrito days
When joy hits
Oh my days…
It hits hard man!
Squeezes me tight
Swaddled, I’m an overgrown man child
Giggling with red cheeks and slightly sweaty back
Joy be like this giant tortilla wrap
Keeping my shit in check
I’m a big fat happy burrito
With extra guac 🥑
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Anchored
Why can’t I write?
I’m asking politely
Like someone stole my words to spite me
So aware of the process
Thought into image into word
Counting the links in the chains won’t shift this anchor
The harbor is not my home
Yet I am the storm
-
Doorknob confession
Is it your glances or their absence?
Your words or the silences in-between?
Knowing their potential
Or knowing my own?
That keeps my hand on the doorknob
In case the latch catches me off guard
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Spot me if you can
I’m stuck
This barbell on my chest won’t move
The knurlings starting to bruise, leaving little crosshatched grooves
Just call me a hot cross gym bunny!
It’s not funny though
Cos it’s etching into my skin like a tiny hatchet
Catching my hairs like a batshit barber
Mad geezer with tweezers
Plucking
Whilst I’m shit out of luck, rooted to this bench
Dreams of being hench getting squeezed out faster than the sweat that’s kicking up a stench
Or is it a stink?
Bit hard to think right now
Just tryna breathe
Meanwhile this guy opposite is mugging me off, judging me
Cos I’m hogging the bench and won’t pass the bar
Ugh…
Yeah… I’m groaning too
Seeing stars as my blood pressure rises
Unlike this bar, set low on my chest
Bro don’t turn away,
Help a bro out of this stress innit!
Whichever way you spin it
I done fucked up
Pushed my luck on one more rep
One set too many
‘Big man ting’
Talk like that, led to the mess I’m in
Don’t need a spotter
I got this G
Step from out my zone
Just watch me G
More impressive on my own
I’mma press this out alone
Scouting the clout for myself
Leaving you mind blown
Lying quivering, prone on the weights room floor
Bragging like – light weight babeeeeehhh!!
That’s right, load up some more!
Alas…
It was all working out, till it didn’t
Fun and games, shooting my mouth off, being flippant
Now I’m stuck under this bar and it’s depressing
Tired and wired from all this progressive overload
Yeah but I was both admired and desired for the strength I was bestowed with… from doing it on my own
My independent lone wolf mentality
Trapped under this bar now, howling quietly
How do I scream for help but do it like – politely?
Sinking into overthinking
Giving me low-key anxiety
Yep it just might be…
No… it might be simpler than this
But no one taught me how
The perfect form to do it safely
Instead of screaming owww!!
I’m really fucking stuck
Someone get this weight off me
This really fucking sucks!
I’ve maxed out… I’m struggling to breathe
I’m about to pass out
I’m in trouble, help me… please!
I’m done for the day
I just really wanna leave
But also, could you not perceive me as weak?
Put it down to bad technique?
I prefer training alone
Normally I could’ve done it on my own but…
Instead I-
I look on longingly… quietly
The plates rattle, betraying my silence
But he’s got on his headphones
And his head is buried deep in his phone
As is mine
Well, I’m almost out of air now
And my battery is getting low
I’m good though, still
It’s calm.
-
Friday
How did it get like this?
Tinnitus tinged silence
Absence for company
Penance for some unwitting crime
Solitude with a side of time.
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Pops
I hope your ticker keeps on ticking dear Pops
Not time for your one way ticket yet Pops
Wait there, imma buy you some more minutes
Still time to win it
Games not done yet
Gimme a minute there Pops
Damn!
Its not time to pop your clogs yet
No matter how many clogged up vessels the doctor rustles up on your plate now Pops!
It’s not too late dear Pops
Tryna keep you near dear Pops
I don’t even call you Pops!?
Trying something new to keep the fear away,
The tears at bay and whittle the time away
Scared to stop incase I see your face in a way that makes my heart drop Pops-
in my imagination..
Where some surgical complication, botches the operation
Meanwhile we’re sitting outside waiting
Debating on the dangers of ghee or sugars in your tea
How moderation is key
All nodding furiously
Hanji* yes..
High cholesterol and BP!
Pata ni yaraa, theek thaak si!?*
I don’t know man, he seemed fine to me
Twisting my hand like an uncle ji
While the beeps keep ringing out of the ECG
Beep…beep….beep…
I’m hearing em in my sleep now Pops
Jolting awake whenever the beeping stops
Stopping the other shoe from dropping Pops
Living the dream? I really hope not Pops
I’ll promise to sleep
If you promise you won’t
Not yet..Abba
Not yet
I think..
I think I should stop now
Not you though
Don’t play chicken with me now Abba
…I mean…Pops.
*translation: I don’t know man, he was fine before
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The glass blower
Like a glass blower with a cold
Unable to stifle his sneeze
I’ve sent many chaotic breaths down the blowpipe
Ruining the smooth lines I’d planned
Too late now, to fix those kinks,
Nor return to the burner for another try
No,
Gotta keep blowing now
Accepting the imperfections as facets
Reflecting my palms,
Foretelling yet uncertain,
Just like the breath that made them.
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Morning snooze
Beep beep beep!!
Snoozing that cursed alarm
On cue, you dive right in
The duvet starts rustling
A blanket of leaves billowing in the wind
Tugging on my pillow
Nuzzling into my chin
My cue…
Kissing the top of your cheek,
Feeling your nose wrinkling
You’re smiling now…
And though outside it might be drizzling
I’m in here with you..another day
Another day, another win
Such a simple thing
The simple things jaan
Making me feel like a winner
Like..
Like I’ve got everything
Everything right here
Under this duvet, with you
Jaan come,
Come roll over this way
Let me hold you through another snooze
On this lazy, hazy morning
Pretending we ain’t got nowhere to be
Snuggling in a pretend deep sleep
Huddling up so close to me
Till my stubble tickles you into a little giggle that belies your Sleeping Beauty routine
If only jaan,
If only we could disarm the alarm and stay laying this way all day
Until my arm is the only thing left on snooze
Kya khayaal hai? – what do you think
What do we have to lose?
Let them wait
How could we be late?
Like I said before…
We’re already here x
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Netfliction
In time—
I won’t remember your face,
nor its contours or expressions
Only emotions will remain
Nor will I remember the reasons,
only the pangs of a ‘how could you?’,
the tickling giggle of an ‘oh my god, remember when?’,
not your voice or tone,
nor what was even said back then
The starting credits will read:
‘Based on a true story’,
‘An adaptation of…’
And I’ll impatiently hit ‘skip intro‘—
because I always remember exactly what happened…
or so I keep telling myself.
-
A spectre calls
Today I stumbled upon a ghost
An accidental apparition
Best not give it too much thought though
Or it’ll move into the loft
And exorcists are hard to come by these days
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Loose leaf
One day
On the final day
On my final day
Some will hear of it, and maybe say
Ashes to ashes
While others say
No way! Dig a hole in the ground
That’s the right way
Either way, I can’t stay!
They’ll put me away
Somewhere far,
Far, far away
Where I will lay
Where I’ll remain
Or my remains will remain
My remains?
How?
That remains to be seen
Though definitely not remains to be seen!
That would be rather obscene
Imagine the scenes…
Sorry, I digress
Where was I?
I died, yes…
And my remains?
Still nowhere to be seen
Buried or blown away — either way
That’s my last day in the sun done
Until my tea leaf-like existence infuses with the next rainfall
Until the waves dissipate from the last time my name’s called
And that will truly be all
An existence steeped in life, steeped back into the earth
One way or another, I am returned
After that final sip,
It’s time to call it a day
Thank you and goodnight 🫖
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Murder mittens
Possessions cost a penny
But emotions are free
Something for nothing
Bursting from inside of me
At least that’s how it was supposed to be
It is and it isn’t
Such a vicious virtue
Purring so gently
Schrödinger’s Catch-22…
Saying hold me—
but don’t tempt me. 🐈⬛
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The man – second round
There he goes
Pouring his heart out
Only came out for a bevvie
Now he’s dropping the heavy bars again
Ugh, ‘Modern men’…Not me though,
I’m a man’s man
I don’t ask for no help
I go through hell alone and have a story to tell!
Down at the bar with my brothers every blue moon—
Cos I don’t see the need, in seeming to need to see them too soon
They don’t need to see behind the scenes and lose the mystique
Like a couple hours earlier, when I was crying alone in my bedroom
That shit is too bleak
I’d rather hide than seek a shoulder to cry on
I’m meant to be the strong one,
The one they rely on
The joker, the charmer, the rational thinker,
Part-time stoic and full-time drinker
Taking shot after shot, but I don’t tend to the wounds—
I only intend to consume
Letting nothing spill out,
Drowning out the sorrow,
Taking the pain home with interest tomorrow,
To the same room where I sat and I cried
I’ll sit again — and again I’ll ask why:
Why, why do I feel so disconnected?
Why do I feel so empty and rejected?
Why do I feel lonely when I’m rarely alone?
Why do I feel like a stranger when I sit on my own?
The guy from the bar now sat in my home—
He isn’t me
He’s a bunch of pleasantries and open-ended questions
Hoping to blend into the scene without making a scene,
He’s seen by all but completely unseen!
Shocked by it all, like some unforeseen circumstance
Even though every day, it’s the same old song and dance
I’m fine though
Cos I’m a man’s man
I don’t ask for no help
Better to burn alone than be dragged from this hell
Can’t risk the reveal by trusting another,
By sharing how I feel with a man I call brother
Or I guess, by any other name
Imagine if he knew all the darkness and pain
Would he meet my eye again or just think I’m insane?
Just think I’m insane,
He’d think I’m insane—
Man, I better stay in my lane
I’d rather reject myself and play another role
Instead of revealing the whole of me,
Revealing the hole, where my joy is supposed to be,
Revealing my soul where the ghosts reside in me,
Revealing the toll it’s taken inside of me
Instead of bleeding out, silently
I should be pleading,
Pleading—
Help me,
Help me please!
I can’t do this alone!
I can’t even pick up the phone
Cos I don’t want to be a bother—I…
Sorry mate, I was miles away
Bit noisy in here innit
My round yeah?
Same again?
Safe, no worries brother
Back in a minute. 🤜🏽…
Explainer: So I first wrote ‘The Man’ a couple of years ago, but it bothered me knowing I’d pulled punches – hinting at pain without naming it.
Fitting, I suppose, since that’s often how these conversations go.
Joke. Deflect. Buy another round.
This new version is an attempt to reveal all that.
It’s based on many convos with close mates that start light and end somewhere real – too often, long after they needed to.
It’s about the silence we keep, the show we put on, and the fear of being unmasked.
God forbid...😅
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Verbossman uncut
Lately I’ve been on some other-level shit
Revelling in rebelling against the devil playing advocate!
Revolution on my mind…
Revolver in my right hand—
Reminding the devil who’s boss!
Playing Russian roulette,
Praying I don’t pay the cost
Firing shots at random,
Double-tap the trigger,
Bullets fly in tandem
Catching strays myself
As I wrestle with accountability—
Counting on my knack for grappling with facts
And turning them into an account ability!
Cursed with the compulsion for writing pretty words
Cursive letters strung together—
It’s a little bit absurd
Abstracted from reality,
Allergic to banality,
Eclipsing every musing with obscurate totality!
I’m howling now…
Maybe a little crazy
Smiling too…
As if these words will save me
On my ones…
Lonely master of verbosity,
Speaking tongues,
If only I mastered the vernacular of veracity
Instead of hiding behind this poetry—
If you can call it that…
Now here comes the “woe is me”
Nah man, let’s claw it back
This propensity for self-pity is not a sexy look
Classic avoidant tendency,
Staring at the void incessantly
With an incandescent rage—
With the ink in my pen,
Filling page after page
With pure, indirect savagery!
Intense is the density of imagery
Of the imaginary,
Of the abstract
Utterly absurd utterings—
Figuratively speaking…
Literally, though—
I’m already stuttering
Nope, I…
I can’t do it
Ah, fuck!
I’m stuck,
I’ve lost the thread
Tied in knots
Dreadlocked
Stranded, with this harebrained rhyming scheme
Seems I’m straining
Clogging the drain,
I’m fading…
Drained of sense,
I’m fading
Slowly does it,
I’m fading
Tryna let it go—
Let it fade…
That’s it
Let me fade away
I’m fading,
I’m fading,
I’ve… faded…
I’ve…
…Explainer: A poem about talking too much. About thinking too fast. About trying to be clever when really just wanting to be heard. Verbossman is turning up the volume up on your inner monologue and then losing the remote. 😬
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Dusk
What is it about this dusk that feels so final?
Another night without answers
In the dark
Feeling cold
Ears burned
Never learned
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Out of hand
My heart finally wrenched itself free
It doubts I’ll ever learn to hold it
Played my hand one too many times
Ironic, I didn’t have the heart to fold it
Left retracing the lines in my palm
Seeking absolution?
Seeking alms?
Or simply seeking the line that foretold it?
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