Standing in the dusty light waiting
Confused
Debating the purpose of the circus to come
‘Bring them in’ a gravelly voice strains
An insane clown posse shuffles through the door
Oh my god, it can’t be
Erm, what’s the deal officer?
What is the meaning of all this?
These faces
Intimately known
Infinitely bound
One by one, the visages raise their gazes
Mirages of stories told and left unsaid
Shackled in time
Wracking my mind, I recall them one by one
The gravelly voice rises once more
Well?!
Who was the villain?
Who broke the camel’s back?
I was dumbfounded
‘Erm, officer what do I make of this parade?
Seriously, what is this charade all about?’
Without stuttering he repeats the question
Who is the villain?
Now, I feel them
Eyes on me
All eyes on me
Questioning gazes
Searching gazes that cannot find me
Amused, bemused, indifferent even
I can’t bring myself to meet them
Eyes, I’d once greeted with an embrace
Faces, I thought once mine
I turn away
Breathing deep, the gravity of it all
Perturbed, by the brevity of this farcical situation
I honour their gazes
One by one
I meet their eyes with no challenge and no pain
‘Officer‘
Turning to the gravelly voice I confess,
‘This mess has no villain nor victim
I say, convict them
They say, convict him
Villains to me
Or I to them
Officer this dualism does not suffice
So let’s not sacrifice a soul for a soul
A what for a why
An eye for an eye
Intentions lost, in unintentional damage
Imaginary friends, faded into memory
Let them go officer
A one way mirror, is not befitting of a glass house’
Tag: poem
-
The lineup
-
Boxes piled high
There were no more boxes left to fill
Standing like a cardboard nightscape
A fragile tribute to the city you were escaping
I used my practical voice and avoided your eyes
Feeling the void looming
Navigating the boxes
Resisting the urge to turn them upside down
This day was always coming
So far away it seemed in the spring
So far away you were about to goWhy were you going?
Please stay with me!..
Be still…
Eyes down now
Be strong…The boxes were full
I was holding your dark blue coat
The one with the furry collar
The one, that tickled my nose when I leaned into rest my head next to yours
Wondering if I could hide it to make you stay, for 5 minutes more
All the boxes were full
You saw me dithering and smiled slightly
There was a tiny bit of room left in the big box
You folded as I pressed down to make space
It wouldn’t fit but I pushed harder
Suddenly the side split and I almost fell in
You spluttered a little laugh as I climbed out
We finally looked at each other grinning
On our knees, beside your bed
The box overflowedI saw your eyes again, for the first time
But, this time we smiled politely and parted
You were not the one
No hard feelings as we said goodbye
No memories to put into boxes
No torn cardboard revealing the mess
We never sat on the floor, exploring each others faces
I never saw your questioning eyes
Why did I let you go?
Why didn’t I beg you to stay?
Why did I let you down?We both laughed, as our eyes betrayed us
I clenched my teeth to stop the smile cracking
But it cracked, when I saw your brow quiver
And we cried,
And cried,
And cried
Holding you in this chapter for the last time,
I cried
You should never have had to go
It shouldn’t have been me that said goodbye
If I could rewrite our story
You would never have loved me
-
Calling the ‘rents
Hey Pops! Hope you’re well
You sound agitated I can tell
Listen Dad, please stay at home
Don’t leave without reason
One day soon we’ll roam I promise
But right now it’s open season on your life
Mine too I suppose, who knows right?
No Dad I’m not calling you old
I wouldn’t dare question your youth
For once Dad please do as your told
I’m a little bit scared, to tell you the truth
You know what I mean
Now sit your ass down
Be there for your Queen
Or she’ll be left holding your crown
Actually is mum there? Give her the phone
Remember Dad stay at home!
I don’t know when I will see you again
Stay smiling and stay alive until then..Hey Momma, how are you today?
It sucks that I have to stay away
Apparently it’s for the best, lets see
Anyway tell me
How’s the rest of the family?
Yeah, I got your latest WhatsApp I think
Honestly mum, I lose track of the links you send
I told you that they’re fake don’t open them
If they make you shake your fist
Then try to resist ok?
If that auntie persists on sharing this crap
I’ll report her as a terrorist I swear
Ok I’m being silly but seriously try to rest
As you always say, this life is a test
Don’t let it best you, be strong
God forbid something goes wrong
Let me know if there’s anything you need
I hate to admit this
But I wish I heeded your warning
I wish I came home more often
Instead of sitting here mourning the fact that I don’t know when I will see you again
Hopefully you can tell me off to my face soon
I swear I’ll listen like it’s my favourite tune
And we’ll all be together immune to the world that kept us apart
I look forward to holding you both again
For now I’ll hold you in my heart
Take care Mum, look after Dad for me
Don’t be sad that we’re far away
Be glad that someday will be here soon
And we’ll all be drinking chai in the same room
Ugh fine..Inshallah we’ll all be drinking chai in the same room..
-
City of lights
In the city of lights where nothing is seen
Between the dust and the horns, the noise and the blinkers
No-one looks at each other with eyes of compassion
Hardened by the status quo of dog eat dog
Right and wrong etched into stone for all of time
We are one and they are the other
Humanity on our side and servitude for our brothers
Borrowing styles of former masters
Beating ourselves with the canes they left behind
Compassion at a premium, empathy a luxury not worth pursuing
‘If not us then someone else’,
Says the next door neighbour, in futile justification of a jurisprudence seeking to maintain a power-balance with the weights clearly on a single end of the scales.
Heavy pockets, heavy bodies but light of heart
There are no lights in the city of lights
Only fireflies lost in the dust
Burning one another in the hopes of finding the moon alone
-
In time
The following poem is a tribute to my grandmother, who I unfortunately only got to meet once in my life because she lived in Burma and it was nearly impossible at the time to visit. She passed before I could meet her again..
Eyes on the departure board
Tripping on the uneven curb
Kicked up dust ambles into amber hues of sunset
It hits me
As unexpected as the last time
Yet familiar
The same swell of feelings, teasing each other, daring each other to unleash all they remember
In that plume of dust, the curb vanishes
The phone in my hand morphs into a tattered passport
The train station dissolves in a blink and I’m now seated, looking over my shoulder at a hazy figure, gradually diminishing from view
Sweating in the heat of this rusting old car, I wipe my brow, for I must see
An acrid smell of petrol distracts for a moment; a moment too precious to lose, since the distance will only grow now
Fighting against the bumpy road, I crane my neck further still
I can see her hand gently waving, as she takes another weary step into the dust trail left behind.
The same gentle hand that was a stranger to me not long before this moment
The same hand that somehow became the safest, warmest and most giving that I can recall
Her hand
That had nothing to give me, yet gave me more than I deserved all the same
Her hand falls to her face, as her face falls into her shoulders
The weariness of age played it’s part
Yet there was more to this dejected posture and faltering of steps than my young mind would allow itself to believe
She knew this was the last goodbye
Time would not be kind enough to wait for her
For any of us
Alas I was naively convinced that time was immaterial
Just a vessel with man at the helm
A plane, through which we chose our paths.
As devoid of purpose as a road with no-one to tread it
I was mistaken
The humble warmth of her smile belonged to time, as much as it did to my own memory
My memories, belonging as much to time as to myself
For in time they will fade
The distance between the memory of her and the present will only grow now
More dust will be kicked up as time moves forward
The finer details of her face will be lost in the haze; her touch will remain but the texture of her hands will elude me
Chipped away by the chisel of time; all that will survive is her essence
The only eternal amidst the flecks of forgotten memories
Now the dust trail fades, as her silhouette is swallowed by a fast rising sun
I have to relent and turn away from this abrupt blaze of light
The sun draws closer and closer until it rushes past my face with a howl and suddenly my train arrives.
unsent draft messages 