A death where no one died
Where a truth was undone
The game was over
Yet nobody won.
Category: Sad
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Eye to I
We are no longer lovers,
This, I can see…
We are no longer one,
That is evident to me.
So I ask of you, old friend,
If our paths, ever cross again,
Please, do not meet my eyes,
For I cannot trust that my heart will agree,
That this was all we were ever to be—
To be once upon a time,
And then never to be,
From a gaze to a glance…inevitably,
That we are no longer lovers,
Whatever my eyes may see,
Whatever my eyes may see…
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Desert of Solitude
In this desert of solitude, quivers
The shadow of your voice,
The chimera of your touch
A warm breeze rises over the horizon,
Lifting the dunes into the sky,
As though God himself turned back the sands of time.
Enveloped in this blanket, my love,
The burning sun of distance between us, is a mere candle,
Spilling into dusk’s horizon, akin to a toppled chalice.
Although the chalice has long since dried,
It is as though the intoxication of our first union has reignited the barren sky,
And the fireflies are dancing once again.
Such is the fragrance of your memory,
Sweet jasmine on these winds of solitude.This was my interpretation inspired by the Urdu poem: Dasht-e-tanhaayi by Faiz Ahmed Faiz
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To forget your name
Jaan, I hold the memories close:
In the pause between breaths,
In the stillness between thoughts,
In the calm between moments.
I whisper your name—
How long since it danced on my lips?
How long since my heart skipped to its mention?
This self-inflicted torment—
Disrupting a sunny day,
Disturbing a mind seeking solace.
Oh, to forget it all:
The pain of losing you, yesterday,
The dread of remembering you, tomorrow…*Jaan = Urdu / Hindi term of endearment meaning life
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Sunday brews
I woke up late this blessed Sunday morning
No rush today, even the birds were yawning
All my chores done, there’s nothing for me to do
Nothing to do, except feel blue over you
I wasn’t expecting any guests today
So why were the blues standing in my hallway?
I barely set foot out of my bedroom
As upon my shoulders climbed the gloom
Please not today! I begged and I pleaded
I had a good week, I thought I succeeded?
The blues turned to me yet said nothing at all
His silent treatment always makes me feel small
So I guess we’re doing this? Fine let’s make some tea
No need for two cups, he just likes to watch me
The sun was still outside but that is where it stayed
Today the blues and I, will parley in the shade
Did you miss me all week? Is that why you didn’t knock?
Sorry friend I was busy running down the clock
Filling my time with all sorts to fill it
Holding it together so I dont accidentally spill it
What shall we talk about then old friend?
I won’t say ‘Im fine’, no need to pretend
Regret, guilt or shall we try something new?
Whatever it is friend, just make sure it’s true
You have a penchant for adding extra spice
Trust me though, what we already have will suffice
Just don’t take up the whole day please
Leave at least some of it for me to seize…
-
The day the moon fell out of the sky
Oh hi there!
Come over it’s freezing!
Come catch the heat off this fire
Stand closer if you like
The situation is pretty dire
Honestly mate, I can’t see an end in sight
Might be worth investing in a warmer coat
You don’t want to test your resilience to the cold
I promise you that much
You’ll be clutching your chest and freezing
Did I say invest?
I think those days are gone
Maybe in your grandkids lifetime we’ll be back there again
Granted I have no idea
But what with this basically being an apocalypse
I’m not sure if crypto captures the zeitgeist of now
Somehow it all seems so abstract
We were so privileged to be distracted from our fragility as flesh and blood beings
Sorry, I tend to ramble..
I shouldn’t blurt out ‘blood’ to strangers
It’s unbecoming
If you don’t mind however I have a question to pester you with
Do you remember where you were?
What you were doing?
The day it all went dark
Yes right?
I guessed right!
Hahaaa!
I confess I
Only asked so I can bore you with my story
Visitors are so few now
It feels like I’m invisible sometimes
Allow me some time please
Time to defrost the moment and let it thaw
The moment when I saw the moon fall out of the sky
It was a balmy Indian summer night
You know that fake summer right
I happened to be walking along the coast
The cliffs appeared as though someone bit the crust off a sad looking sandwich
I prefer mountains you see
The sea to me is..sorry I digress
By the coast as the stars were waking up
Shaking up the canvas of the sky as only they can
Paralysed by the majesty of the celestial void unfolding
As if it was holding me by the shoulders
Compelling me to look up
I folded my arms closed
The vastness of it all
Sent a cold shiver right through me
Honestly the heavens threw me like never before
And still it wasn’t done yet
No way my friend
So I decided to sit
The wind worn grass looked as if the ground had been painted
Atop this scruffy ledge I waited
Baited by the heavens, I waited
Adding small clouds to the nightscape above with each escaping breath
And finally as the whisps of stray clouds parted
There she was
Not a moment sooner
Unfortunately for this impatient lunar-tic (sorry!)
I’m talking about the moon of course!
I’d seen her like everyone else, thousands of times before
Tonight though there was something more
Or should I say less?
Impressive as always but how can I put it?
Dimmed?
Depleted?
She seemed incomplete
Im certain that if an eclipse occurred that day
Sunlight would pierce through
The moon never had a fierce aura
She was a gentle beacon of hope
For me at least
A feast for the eyes and soul
I talked to her often
Her light softened the darkness in me
So it was odd to see her so… vulnerable?
In hindsight it was sort of inevitable
Her plight was a long time coming
I overheard on the news that we were hurting her
Something about over polluting
And all the looting going on
Was straining the moon’s pull
Too many looked to her
Her schedule full
We were told to be considerate
Help each other and be kind
Not blindly look to her but to look around
Find our own answers
Give her a chance to breathe
There were documentaries made I remember
Studies showing the moon was starting to crumble
But we scoffed
It’s the moon!
She belongs to us
Scaremongering would not fool us
Alas
Foolish foolish little birds we were!
Our moon the Empress of the night sky
Falling into a depression and we didnt ask why
Our moon that gave and gave
We could’ve at least tried you know
There I go rambling again
As though ambling through my memories will delay the final chapter
So yes, where was I?
Sitting on the cliff edge soon after sunset
Worried sick at my moon looking so upset
I adjusted my feet
Loose rocks tumbled down the chalk face
Gosh if you could see her face
Im ashamed to admit I saw it every night
The beauty and the sadness
I abused her and stole her gladness
Blind to her despair
Ignoring her disrepair
For like all of us, my needs trumped hers
We all looked to her
But we didn’t see her
We talked to her
But we didn’t hear her
In the pervasiveness of the night
Her ubiquitous presence was taken for granted
The moon!
It’s always in the sky!
Well, that night
On that cliff edge
I saw, as she teetered over the sea
She stood as unsteady as her reflection
I heard her crumble
Like hailstone beating a drum on the waters surface
Screams began to echo across the horizon
As more and more of us witnessed the horror unfold
As our beloved moon unravelled
She looked so betrayed
Dishevelled and dismayed
And we were all to blame
We heard her cry
On the winds of the night
Her cries found themselves homes in once deaf ears
But my friend it was too late
Not one of us thought to look up to her and ask what she needed
And she needed so little
She just needed to be needed
And to be heard
It’s absurd how simple it should have been
And so you know the rest
As we cried and prayed for her to hold on
She began to fall
Our once mighty moon
Would be gone soon
The fall was so slow
I almost felt like I could catch her
Save her
Instead of savour her
But I couldn’t
I saw her sink beneath the waves
Along with the rest of us
That silent night was pierced with the echoes of her cries!
And now those cries live within
Since that fateful day
The day the moon fell out of the sky
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A chorus of crows
Feeling numb to the world
The crows caw again and its jarring
I feel nothing
I refuse
Utterly bemused and broken
Lost and confused
I leave the window open
Hoping you’ll fly home to me
And we’ll cry in an embrace
I’ll wipe away the tears
And trace once again your face
The contours and lines
Will once again be mine
And we’ll become one in time
Unselfed and unshackled
Indifferent to idle chatter
Far above the cackle of the crows below
They’ll watch on in envy
At how high we soar
As we leave behind this earth with laughter
Forever entwined in a timeless ever after
-
On pause
I always teased about how very small you were
How so far removed away from very tall you were
Now that very small you has burst a hole in me
Taken all the air and the very soul of me
Can’t believe I won’t be fighting with your hair no more
Can’t believe I’m writing that we are no more
Can’t be me without a you, not the me that I know
Can’t conceive that I’m to grieve and to receive no more
You were poetry
A Pandora’s box
You were electricity
Energy on tap
We can both agree
We can both agree
Yet now I write in tenses made for yesterday
I write to you but you’re no longer here to say
That you love it or you hate it, it’s just me today
Longing for your loving
It’s just me today
Knowing youre not coming
I’m so sad to say
Can’t let it fade away
Why does it fade away?
Where do these words come from?
Where were they when your eyes were crying ‘say something?’
Don’t overthink the words just bloody say something
Something loving without trying
Why won’t you say something?
Just say something!
You were everything
In the sense that I didn’t sense it
You were everything
The joy, the pain the laughter
All the little things
Be it blessing or disaster
You were everything
You were my everything
Not just the pretty parts
Though truth be told
You made up most of all the pretty parts
Mixed in among the witty and the gritty parts
Not forgetting to add in the total fitty parts
You really stood apart
You really stood apart
Now apart we sit and it rips the heart from me
You left with everything
Why won’t you take the dark from me?
You left your mark but now it’s too damn dark to see
Come won’t you help me see?
See that little bit of you that I stole from you
The little spark within my soul I stole from you
That same one that burst the hole
Like it was the whole of you
It was the whole of you
Now I long to tease about how very small you were
How so far removed away from very tall you were
How long it’s been since the last memory
There’s none newer
None of the joy or the bliss or last kiss of yours
Like someone came along and left us stuck on pause
Are we stuck on pause
Who left us stuck on pause?I’m pressing all the buttons but the screen won’t change
Keep pressing home but nothing happens, someone please explain
I must complain this is insane
That we are left estranged
Truth be told though..I think I am to blame
I really am to blame
Such a shame
-
Autumn leaves
I snapped out of my daydream
Rustling leaves outside
It must be you
I drew back the curtains
I drew in an excited breath
Sadly not true
Perhaps a shrew running through
Or a ghost
An echo maybe
At most my imagination
Fooling myself
Soothing myself
Closing the distance
Your fingertips to mine
Your eyes to mine
Your breast my headrest
Surrendering to you
At peace with you my love
You..
Deserving of praise beyond asinine musings
Your memories confuse my solitude
When the sun shines I wonder if it touched you first
Did this breeze carry your voice?
How did you become mine in the first place?
How did you hear me through the noise?
Why me?
Why us?
Rhetorical questions
Spare me an answer my love
I’m lost once again
Absent-minded reflections
Mirroring my absent love’s perfections
All this from a rustling of leaves..
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Mansion
I live in beautiful mansion
Ornate, magnificent and grande
With a library the world envies
Chapters and verses of glory and wonder
History piled high to the rafters
A dining room with every food I adore
A gallery of portraits and landscapes
Exquisite, absurd, inspiring and surreal
Leading into the garden below
Brimming with blooms and blossoms
And a chorus of bird song soaring from the trees
Yet, I find myself here in the crypts
Keeping the skeletons company
Searching the walls for a door
And my candle just went out
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Boxes piled high
There were no more boxes left to fill
Standing like a cardboard nightscape
A fragile tribute to the city you were escaping
I used my practical voice and avoided your eyes
Feeling the void looming
Navigating the boxes
Resisting the urge to turn them upside down
This day was always coming
So far away it seemed in the spring
So far away you were about to goWhy were you going?
Please stay with me!..
Be still…
Eyes down now
Be strong…The boxes were full
I was holding your dark blue coat
The one with the furry collar
The one, that tickled my nose when I leaned into rest my head next to yours
Wondering if I could hide it to make you stay, for 5 minutes more
All the boxes were full
You saw me dithering and smiled slightly
There was a tiny bit of room left in the big box
You folded as I pressed down to make space
It wouldn’t fit but I pushed harder
Suddenly the side split and I almost fell in
You spluttered a little laugh as I climbed out
We finally looked at each other grinning
On our knees, beside your bed
The box overflowedI saw your eyes again, for the first time
But, this time we smiled politely and parted
You were not the one
No hard feelings as we said goodbye
No memories to put into boxes
No torn cardboard revealing the mess
We never sat on the floor, exploring each others faces
I never saw your questioning eyes
Why did I let you go?
Why didn’t I beg you to stay?
Why did I let you down?We both laughed, as our eyes betrayed us
I clenched my teeth to stop the smile cracking
But it cracked, when I saw your brow quiver
And we cried,
And cried,
And cried
Holding you in this chapter for the last time,
I cried
You should never have had to go
It shouldn’t have been me that said goodbye
If I could rewrite our story
You would never have loved me
-
Whispers
They say the time and tide waits for no-one
Damn I wish I learned how to swim
The waters up to my neck now
Chances are looking slim
Treading water but I’m tired
Dreading this day I never desired
I’d be a liar if I said I felt inspired
Today is not my day and I wonder where it went
Reminiscing glory that felt heaven sent
Feeling spent I protest that it was stolen
Give it back
I did not consent
Resenting the demons that whisper
‘You’ve got sweet nothing’ into my ear
Sending shivers of fear and dread
Whispers I used to fight but instead,
they career through me as if the demons knew me all along
Where did I go wrong?
Where did I go wrong?
Now Im tagging along
As if I actually belong
Trying to borrow a bit of heat
But this defeat is cold man
Feeling redundant and old man
I’m trying to tread but I don’t think this thread is gonna hold man
More sinking than swimming
My head is spinning
Legs seized
Im about to freeze and fall
This can’t be all I am but the demons tell me so
Well wishers say no but they’ll eventually leave
Throwing in their 2 cents but they’re so naive
I can’t hear their wishes the demons are too loud
I gotta fight them but right now I’m too bowed
Showing preference to deference I’m at their whim and mercy
I was bested once but now it’s just me that hurts me
-
The Firefly
I’m not angry with you anymore
I’m at a loss and disappointed
I know you don’t care
Most likely you don’t even know
I mean, I’m barely a speck of dust you’ve traversed through
What do you know of I?
If we stood eye to eye, would you even see me?
Of all the fireflies crowding your skies
How often do you notice the ones whose lights go out?
All you can see are the joyful
Illuminating your night-scape
Those without a torch are lost
Invisible to you
Though as I said
You probably never saw us
I’ve no-one to turn to in complaint
Nor would I want to dim their lights by getting too close
The torch I carry is no longer a beacon
But a relic
It’s long lost its heat
Just a crisp, oiled rag, sodden and defused
How unfortunate and bemusing
I suppose the only way to relight my torch is to keep flying
Let the breeze dry the tears as I tear through the dark
But sometimes I get tired you see
I cannot see where I’m going like I could before
The torch feels heavy without light
And the glare off others can overwhelm and blind me
So I need to sit and breathe but that is when the clouds come
Suddenly the north star fades completely and raindrops fall around me
I try to shelter my torch but it gets wet again
The weight grows again
Making my arms hurt again
I cannot see others down here but they are here for sure
More and more fall from the sky
Some still have the strength to land as do I
Others weakened by the darkness land hard
Helping one another maybe we can dry our torches?
Perhaps we can rise together and share the load
Like an extinguished phoenix rising from the ashes
With dreams of bursting through the clouds and into the sun
Reigniting our torches and joining the dance once more
The thought makes me hopeful
Today I’m not so sure
My arms hurt
I think I need to rest again
-
Calling the ‘rents
Hey Pops! Hope you’re well
You sound agitated I can tell
Listen Dad, please stay at home
Don’t leave without reason
One day soon we’ll roam I promise
But right now it’s open season on your life
Mine too I suppose, who knows right?
No Dad I’m not calling you old
I wouldn’t dare question your youth
For once Dad please do as your told
I’m a little bit scared, to tell you the truth
You know what I mean
Now sit your ass down
Be there for your Queen
Or she’ll be left holding your crown
Actually is mum there? Give her the phone
Remember Dad stay at home!
I don’t know when I will see you again
Stay smiling and stay alive until then..Hey Momma, how are you today?
It sucks that I have to stay away
Apparently it’s for the best, lets see
Anyway tell me
How’s the rest of the family?
Yeah, I got your latest WhatsApp I think
Honestly mum, I lose track of the links you send
I told you that they’re fake don’t open them
If they make you shake your fist
Then try to resist ok?
If that auntie persists on sharing this crap
I’ll report her as a terrorist I swear
Ok I’m being silly but seriously try to rest
As you always say, this life is a test
Don’t let it best you, be strong
God forbid something goes wrong
Let me know if there’s anything you need
I hate to admit this
But I wish I heeded your warning
I wish I came home more often
Instead of sitting here mourning the fact that I don’t know when I will see you again
Hopefully you can tell me off to my face soon
I swear I’ll listen like it’s my favourite tune
And we’ll all be together immune to the world that kept us apart
I look forward to holding you both again
For now I’ll hold you in my heart
Take care Mum, look after Dad for me
Don’t be sad that we’re far away
Be glad that someday will be here soon
And we’ll all be drinking chai in the same room
Ugh fine..Inshallah we’ll all be drinking chai in the same room..
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Ma
Selfishly Ma, I want to tell you all
Breaking your heart into shards that will make you bleed
You raised a man to be proud of I hope
But in truth I’m nothing, nothing like the template you cut me from
A failure in your eyes?
Welling up, the heartbreak would drown you and I
The truth of myself is not what you expected
A charade, a show, a charlatan
How I wish you knew me
Though knowing that knowing me would destroy all you know
I guess I will continue with the show
I love you too much to let me hurt you
My head sits on your shoulder
And it feels like no-one has ever been closer
Yet in truth I’m so far from you and the older I become
The harder it is to play dumb
To play the son you wanted
Trying to be numb to the lie that ties us
To be blind to all that divides us
A commotion, a fuss thats really all pretend
Regardless of it all Ma, I’m yours..
Devoted till the end
-
The little sofa
When we sat on that little sofa, forever struggling to find a comfy yet romantic position
Sometimes your head ended up in my armpit,
or my big hand would block the TV
Try as we might, we just didn’t fit on that little sofa
The sofa on which you could stretch like a cat in pure nirvana
And then along I’d come to swallow up all the space and squish your glasses, in what I thought was a loving embrace
More like a chokehold I guess
Eventually grumbling we’d give up and sit up
Then inevitably like the night before
Your head would sway and slide down my shoulder
Another movie night ending within the first 5 minutes – for you at least
Eventually comes the little snore as you’d begin to dribble
But I dare not move and ruin this moment
To see you in total restful bliss
Giving you a butterfly kiss, I’d look on and be overwhelmed by the warmth of you
Your ugly, peaceful sleeping gurn was what it was all about
On that little sofa, was once our little world
And now we sit worlds apart
Torn from that little world we made our own
To make our own way now, alone
The adventure is thrilling and yes the seas have been rough yet I always make it to the shore in the end
So it seems strange, how it’s on these sandy beaches where I find myself sinking sometimes
Reminiscing about that little sofa once more.
-
Nostalgia #3
Nostalgia the guest arriving unexpected
Cowering yet pigeon chested
Memories cherished and time tested
Accruing interest over time, fighting the haze and commotion of lesser thoughts
Impressive in their claims
Famous to those that recall the tall tales of endless nights
Senseless tantalising trips down memory lane
Severing themselves from the fact, barely intact,
Bordering on lies, nostalgia serves pain dressed as pleasure
A memento mori
A tearful story
Wiping away it’s suffering
And smiling as you look into it’s eyes
-
Waves
The cotton sheets lay crisp between us
A glistening drifting strait between us
Along the shore
I see a setting sun between us
And all promises left adrift between us
The sky’s aglow in the colour of your eyes
Eyes gazing across the rift between us
Eyes that were once a bridge between us
Turning away
Saying goodbye
Now teardrops fill oceans between us
And I don’t know how to swim
The waves are far too strong between us
So my heart sinks and sinks and sinks
unsent draft messages 