Oh my days… Are we doing it now!?
Tsk, whyy bro?
Every time man…
Fucks sake, okay let’s do it!
Let’s ride this wave again…
Okay, put em up!
Gotta roll with the punches!..
Man, I’m eating punches for breakfast, brunch and lunch
Suddenly, feeling like a chump, a mug, a wasteman,
Wish I could give you all a taste man
Okay, that’s a lie, I don’t wish this on you
One minute chilling, next minute sad,
Don’t know why these tears be spilling,
While my brain’s chanting –
You’re bad!
You’re bad!
You’re bad!
Ahh, my bad bro…
I thought I was drinking my tea
Now I’m sinking in my seat, with feelings of defeat surging,
Urging me to think,
Sink, think, then sink some more!
Before I can even ask what for, the wave’s already crashed through the door,
Like a punch to the jaw
Now I’ve spilt my tea all over the floor
I’m reeling…
Where has all the calm gone that I was feeling?
Can’t deal, man, this is long
Feeling alright and then all of a sudden – wrong!
Like what the hell? It’s like I slapped myself,
Clapped my own head for feeling good
How dare I, how did I even think I could?
Wait, wait, wait!
Hold up!?
How dare I?
How dare you, bro!
Nah man, allow it!
I’m done!
I ain’t throwing fists this time,
No red mist this time,
Not listening to your list this time
Come on bruv, I got you!
It’s calm, it’s calm,
No harm, no foul
Stop scowling, it’s okay,
Just having a moment, relax, we got the whole day
Remember 5 minutes ago, when it didn’t feel this way?
Let’s bring it back
Breathe, my brother, breathe
Remember the exercise?
Four seconds in,
Hold for four
Six seconds out
Hold….
Hold….
4,4,6,4
Hold…
Let’s hold it together
You can do it
Hold…
That’s better
Calm your heart, it’s all good, it’s all good!
There we go
No blame,
No shame
Just remember to breathe
Remember your name
Open your eyes my bro
See it’s all good now
It’s all good
See, I knew you could
Told you man,
You’re not doing this alone anymore
I get it though…
It’s hard to walk past that closet door,
When all those skeletons rattle inside
It’s like a battle inside,
Like everything matters inside
When the skeletons chatter, something shatters inside
But still, you open the door,
Almost like an addiction,
Yeah, an addiction!
Like you’re drawn to affliction,
It’s the same old fiction but you wanna hear the remix
Bruv, it’s not in our remit, even though it might seem it
It’s dead down there
Let the skeletons dance in the dark
We take our chances in the light,
Upstairs where it’s illuminated
Let’s go, you’re done ruminating
We got baited by old habits,
All love bro, we don’t do hating anymore ♥️
It’s okay…
I rate you for snapping out of it though
No more punches?
Shall we finish our lunch?
Shall we wave the wave goodbye?
Yeah?
Done?
You good?
You calm?
Safe, go make me another cuppa tea then innit! 🫖
Explainer: Revised this piece with a touch more honesty and experience of the whole not just the beginning. 🥊
Category: Mental health
-
Shadow boxing – Gloves off
-
The man – second round
I’m a man’s man
I don’t ask for no help
I go through hell alone and have a story to tell!
Down at the bar with my brothers every blue moon—
Cos I don’t see the need, in seeming to need to see them too soon
They don’t need to see behind the scenes and lose the mystique
Like a couple hours earlier, when I was crying alone in my bedroom
That shit is too bleak
I’d rather hide than seek a shoulder to cry on
I’m meant to be the strong one,
The one they rely on
The joker, the charmer, the rational thinker,
Part-time stoic and full-time drinker
Taking shot after shot, but I don’t tend to the wounds—
I only intend to consume
Letting nothing spill out,
Drowning out the sorrow,
Taking the pain home with interest tomorrow,
To the same room where I sat and I cried
I’ll sit again — and again I’ll ask why:
Why, why do I feel so disconnected?
Why do I feel so empty and rejected?
Why do I feel lonely when I’m rarely alone?
Why do I feel like a stranger when I sit on my own?
The guy from the bar now sat in my home—
He isn’t me
He’s a bunch of pleasantries and open-ended questions
Hoping to blend into the scene without making a scene,
He’s seen by all but completely unseen!
Shocked by it all, like some unforeseen circumstance
Even though every day, it’s the same old song and dance
I’m fine though
Cos, I’m a man’s man
I don’t ask for no help
Better to burn alone than be dragged from this hell
Can’t risk the reveal by trusting another,
By sharing how I feel with a man I call brother
Or I guess by any other name
Imagine if he knew all the darkness and pain
Would he meet my eye again or just think I’m insane?
Just think I’m insane,
He’d think I’m insane—
Man, I better stay in my lane
I’d rather reject myself and play another role
Instead of revealing the whole of me,
Revealing the hole, where my joy is supposed to be,
Revealing my soul where the ghosts reside in me,
Revealing the toll it’s taken inside of me
Instead of bleeding out, silently
I should be pleading,
Pleading—
Help me,
Help me please!
I can’t do this alone!
I can’t even pick up the phone
Cos I don’t want to be a bother—I…
Sorry mate, got distracted
Bit noisy in here innit
My round?
Same again yeah?
Safe, no worries
Brother. 🤜🏽…
Explainer: So I first wrote ‘The Man’ a couple of years ago, but it bothered me knowing I’d pulled punches – hinting at pain without naming it.
Fitting, I suppose, since that’s often how these conversations go.
Joke. Deflect. Buy another round.
This new version is an attempt to reveal all that.
It’s based on many convos with close mates that start light and end somewhere real – too often, long after they needed to.
It’s about the silence we keep, the show we put on, and the fear of being unmasked.
God forbid...😅
-
Open water
Flipped and tumbled by the waves
The swell, relentless
Turning me inside out
In this chaos, calm comes easy
The ocean cannot touch the depth of my stillness here
No
It’s the shore that terrifies me
-
The man
I’m a man’s man,
I don’t ask for no help
I go through hell alone and have a story to tell!
Down at the bar with my bros every blue moon
Cos I don’t see the need, in seeming to need to see them too soon
They don’t need to see behind the scenes and lose the mystique
Like a couple hours earlier when I was crying alone in my bedroom
That shit is too bleak,
I’d rather hide than seek a shoulder to cry on
I’m meant to be the strong one
The one they rely on
The joker, the charmer, the rational thinker
Part-time stoic and full-time drinker
Taking shot after shot but I don’t tend to the wounds
I only intend to consume
Letting nothing spill out
Drowning out the sorrow
Taking the pain home with interest tomorrow
To the same room where I sat and I cried
I’ll sit again and again I’ll ask why:
Why, why do I feel so disconnected?
Why do I feel so empty and rejected?
Why do I feel lonely when I’m rarely alone?
Why do I feel like a stranger when I sit on my own?
The guy from the bar now sat in my home,
He isn’t me
He’s a bunch of pleasantries and open ended questions
Hoping to blend into the scene without making a scene,
He’s seen by all but completely unseen
Shocked by it all, like some unforeseen circumstance
Even though every day, it’s the same old song and dance
But still, I’m a mans man
I don’t ask for no help
Better to burn alone than be dragged from this hell
Can’t risk the reveal by trusting another
By sharing how I feel with a man I call brother
Imagine if he knew all the darkness and pain
Would he meet my eye again or think I’m insane?
I’d rather reject myself and play another role
Instead of revealing the whole,
Revealing my soul,
Instead of pleading ‘Help me,
Please get me out of this hole!’
The man.
-
Insomnia
Time to put my head down
Get me some sleep
Gotta fight the devil first
Cos he’s grabbing my feet!
Through the sheets, I feel the heat
Man, I almost skip a heart beat!
I start to sweat as he jumps on my chest
Safe bet tonight I won’t be getting no rest
I hear his whispers of indifference to the predicament I’m in
He knows I’m listening and whimpering cos I’m troubled within
Troubled by him
Troubled by his stupid little devilish grin
Like an urchin, got me begging for scraps
Got me begging for my freedom,
Cos I’m caught in his trap
But the devil is a prick
This be his bread and butter
Filling my head with so much dread that I stammer and stutter,
Spluttering out my feeble little plea
Please Mr devil sir, tonight just let me be..
Tonight just let me sleep, let me drift into dreams
Please don’t follow me and turn this gift into screams!
Stuck again in this present tense situation
With his unwanted presence
My acquiescence,
And unwavering consternation
Same old conversation,
That never concludes
Whether I engage or not, I do not get to choose
I do not get to snooze
I just lose
Tick tick tick the hours slip away
I hear it second hand as he counts down every minute
This devil’s level of detail pushing me to my limit
Pushing me to admit that tonight he might just win it,
Fuck it…
I give up
Theres no point in persevering
All these decibels make my ears ring
I toss and I turn but I still hear him
No glossing over the burning of my glazed eyes stinging,
As his shrill voice singes my cochlea
Singing his sweet serenade as my renegade heart palpitates a beat to this endless rendition called..insomnia
Oh if I could only get some sleep..
I can’t get no sleep…
-
Black dog
There’s a lone black dog locked out in the cold
His chain rattling against the pole staked deep
Pacing in circles, dawn to dusk an imprisoned sundial
His shadow snaps at weary ankles
As he ponders how bad a dog he must be.
-
Duelling
I only have compassion for you
When you’re apart from me
If I could see you sitting there,
Side by side, shoulders slumped,
Heavy,
I’d feel something for you
I could even hug you,
Whether you let me or not
It doesn’t matter—
I’d see you though,
Saying nothing
I’d feel you
When you’re someone else,
It’s easier
They say, be disciplined with yourself,
Be kind to others
My discipline was always the stick
I beat you down and then put you over there
I see you again,
And I care—
Enough to want to hold you
It must be tough to only exist when it hurts,
To be seen only through pain
Why is it easier this way?
Imagine there was no you or I,
Neither together nor apart,
No more dueling with duality,
No victim, no villain
To never see you again—
How beautiful that would be,
To be,
Only to be.
-
Inside voice
Why are there so many barriers between me and the tongue?
They blame me for holding secrets, but that is simply not true.
They’re wrong.
I’ve so much to say, but my message never gets beyond the mind—
Who put him in charge anyway?
They must’ve been out of their… nevermind,
It’s fine.
I often dream of having a voice of my own,
So I could make every so-called ‘secret’ known.
I’d blow the cover on every withheld truth,
Oh trust me, I would put my voice to use!
All the silences that the mind chose instead,
I’d drown out with words that were left unsaid.
All the cries for help when he felt broken,
All the ‘I love you’s that were left unspoken.
My doors would be open for all to peer inside,
I’d sing my little self out with nothing left to hide.
It’s not like I don’t try, but my requests are often dismissed,
I rarely follow the rules, but the mind, he has a list!
What to say, how to say it, overthink and then replay it,
At the end, the decision is often the same:
“Say nothing at all.”
This is insane!
He debates with himself and then agrees to disagree—
What is this madness? I wish to be free!
Free to be heard and free to listen,
Free to cry without permission,
Free to beat and free to ache,
Free to love, free to break.
I have so many melodies that remain unsung,
If only I could speak..if only I had a tongue.
-
Little monster
I’m thinking about all the best friends I’ve had
Life happened, and they had to go
When did you go, though?
I forgot you were the first
Together, we’d make up the worst stories,
Glorious games with stupid names,
The ending always the same
We’d fight the monster and win,
Pinning him down with throw cushions
He’d be wishing that he never started the fight!
That’s right,
We beat him again,
Sending him packing back to hell
We’d be flexing and roaring,
With one hell of a story to tell!
Man, those were the days
It was never lonely when we were together
You’d make up stupid songs that never rhymed,
Remember? And they always had poops and farts in them,
Real works of art
Man, it’s such a blur now
Randomly they get served up in my head, and it tickles me,
How little we needed when we were small
It was you and I
So, when did we stop being friends?
Maybe around 9 or 10?
Around the time we stopped playing pretend?
Funny how much pretend I play now
I pretend I don’t, but I do
It’s all a bit confusing,
You wouldn’t understand
When we played, it was for fun and adventure
Now it’s to get through the day
You’d think I’d be an expert with all the practice we had
But it’s tough man
The feeling of never being enough man
Feels rough
It was easier when you were around
It sounds weird to say, but I wished you were here
By my side so we could fight the monsters together,
Wherever they may be
Sometimes in the world,
But mostly inside of me
I think that’s how I found you again
Lately, I’ve been reading these fancy books
And talking to fancy people
They’re trying to help fight the monsters,
But it’s not the same
It was more fun when it was a game,
When I didn’t know the monster had a name
That it wasn’t always a monster but a friend I forgot
In my blind spot, running alongside me,
Begging to be let back inside,
Screaming and afraid
The monsters were chasing him too,
I’m sorry, old friend,
I wish… I wish I knew…
The monster I was running from… it was you.
-
Snaked on a train
The tracks are doing that morse-code thing again
When the train is somewhere down the line, just round the bend
The platform’s rumbling as the sign switches to ‘due’
The train’s now ambling slowly into view…
Cue the queue rushing through to the knobbly edge, That’s saying ‘down there ain’t for you, unless well you want to…’
Damn that intrusive thought every time man, like my brain is saying ‘you shouldn’t but you know you can man’,
Imagine if…
No brain hush now!
Enough out of you, we got places to be,
That dumb ass thought bro, stop distracting me!
You’re bored is all, you just wait and see!
Soon we gonna be outta this place,
Soon we gonna be free!
You say that every time though, why can’t we ever just stay?
Always a shit excuse, like the weather’s too grey,
Just admit that you’re afraid
You downplay everything that you say was nice in the beginning,
On day one you’re like, bro we’re winning!
By day whatever, it’s just excuse after excuse!
Are you for real? How obtuse can you get?
You forget that you do the thinking
Pleasure, regret, horny or even upset
That’s all you bro,
Don’t tell me I do this ‘every time’
I’m just an accomplice
Mere tools to help you accomplish… actually what the hell is it you’re trying to accomplish?
Bitch please! I just process what you perceive,
Say what you see
Show you the world as you want it to be
Layout the reasons for you to believe
Like ‘to be or not to be’
That doesn’t mean shit to me
I was chilling just keeping us fed and alive
You decided we gotta do more,
What was it again?
Oh yeah, we gotta thrive!
Is this thriving?
We’re arguing over who the fuck is driving!
And though this is all very exciting, the train that was arriving is about to depart!
Though maybe we could actually, you know stay?
Try this new thing called ‘not running away’
Don’t worry brain, while you were squawking, we were walking mate
If you stopped rambling and looked out
You’d see we’re about to leave
There’s no reprieve with you is there?
Believe me bro, when you’re like this,
I wish I could leave you behind
Why? Because I remind you that you’re running again?
Catching train after train?
Man when will this end?
I’m just trying to be your friend,
If you stopped pretending you’re on your own
For once looked up from your phone
Saw that you can’t keep doing this alone
Admit that one of these stops has got to be home!
Enough!
Can you just go back to narrating?
Finish the story that we were creating,
Maybe, I don’t know, talk about how train delays can be grating
All this dialogue is getting frustrating
I was writing a story and you got us debating
Alright… whatever you say, it’s your loss
I’ll do as I’m told…
You are the boss…
…Train delays are so grating
Predictable in their unpredictability
Kinda like avoidance..
Oh you motherfuc…Fine I’m putting the phone away,
Finish writing this another day
There’s not much left to say anyway
And oh look! The sky is looking grey
I was right. Ha!
Slow clap…
-
Shadow boxing
Oh my days… Are we doing it now!?
Tsk, whyy bro?
Every time man…
Fucks sake, okay let’s do it!
Let’s ride this wave again…
Okay, put em up!
Gotta roll with the punches!..
Man, I’m eating punches for breakfast, brunch and lunch
Suddenly, feeling like a chump, a mug, a wasteman,
Wish I could give you all a taste man
Okay, that’s a lie, I don’t wish this on you
One minute chilling, next minute sad,
Don’t know why these tears be spilling,
While my brain’s chanting –
You’re bad!
You’re bad!
You’re bad!
Ahh, my bad bro…
I thought I was drinking my tea
Now I’m sinking in my seat, with feelings of defeat surging,
Urging me to think,
Sink, think, then sink some more!
Before I can even ask what for, the wave’s already crashed through the door,
Like a punch to the jaw
Now I’ve spilt my tea all over the floor
I’m reeling…
Where has all the calm gone that I was feeling?
Can’t deal, man, this is long
Feeling alright and then all of a sudden – wrong!
Like what the hell? It’s like I slapped myself,
Clapped my own head for feeling good
How dare I, how did I even think I could?
Wait, wait, wait!
Hold up!?
How dare I?
How dare you, bro!
Nah man, allow it!
I’m done!
I ain’t throwing fists this time,
No red mist this time,
Not listening to your list this time
Come on bruv, I got you!
It’s calm, it’s calm,
No harm, no foul
Stop scowling, it’s okay,
Just having a moment, relax, we got the whole day
Remember 5 minutes ago, when it didn’t feel this way?
Let’s bring it back
Breathe, my brother, breathe
Remember the exercise?
Four seconds in,
Hold for four
Six seconds out
Hold….
Hold….
4,4,6,4
You can do it
Calm your heart, it’s all good, it’s all good!
There we go
No blame,
No shame
Just remember to breathe
Remember your name
Open your eyes my bro
See it’s all good now
It’s all good
See, I knew you could
Told you man,
You’re not doing this alone anymore
I get it though…
It’s hard to walk past that closet door,
When all those skeletons rattle inside
It’s like a battle inside,
Like everything matters inside
When the skeletons chatter, something shatters inside
But still, you open the door,
Almost like an addiction,
Yeah, an addiction!
Like you’re drawn to affliction,
It’s the same old fiction but you wanna hear the remix
Bruv, it’s not in our remit, even though it might seem it
It’s dead down there
Let the skeletons dance in the dark
We take our chances in the light,
Upstairs where it’s illuminated
Let’s go, you’re done ruminating
We got baited by old habits,
All love bro, we don’t do hating anymore ♥️
It’s okay…
I rate you for snapping out of it though
No more punches?
Shall we finish our lunch?
Shall we wave the wave goodbye?
Yeah?
Done?
You good?
You calm?
Safe, go make me another cuppa tea then innit! 🫖
-
My shadow
I abandoned you again didn’t I?
I promised you’d be seen and heard
That we would do this together
My ride or die that cannot be cured
That even the very notion is absurd
You were screaming in pain and I wouldn’t meet your eye
Scoffed when you cried, said you deserved it for all the lies and failures
I sounded like everyone else, as if I was one of them
I denied you a voice
Judged your choice to be your virtue
I really wanted to hurt you
Even wished that you would die
To be gone for good
To be lost to oblivion
Oblivious to the obvious paradox once again
That, you are me
I was done with you as my shadow
As if you were something to uncouple
Well, you burst that bubble didn’t you?
Thought I could drown out your pleading
Thought I could think you into a corner
You warned me once before but I never learned
When I tried to sever you, I bled too
Tried to shed myself of your weight from my shoulders
Denied you headspace
Tried to evict your every evocation and send you on a permanent vacation
You had to be heard though
So you beat your drum in my chest
Stole away my rest, so I could feel what you feel
The harder I pushed, the tighter you gripped my heart
Our heart
And that was just the start
You had nowhere else to go
You had no other choice, I know
I’m so sorry
You needed me and I kept kicking
Until you eventually kicked back
Until I became the shadow
And saw everything you saw
Until I cried for help, as if I was wronged
You had to be explicit for me to accept,
That I too was complicit
You waited patiently for me to sit with you, knowing I had to fall to find you
I’m so sorry
It’s so damp and cold down here
How do you even breathe?
The echoes are deafening
Gosh, I’m so sorry
I, I don’t think I’m ready to hug you yet
I still need time
But I’m willing to sit with you and plan our escape one day..
Together?
-
Mirror selfie
Gosh, it feels so selfish,
All this stuff about oneself is like standing in a gallery full of selfies, saying, “Oh wow, look it’s me!”
Smile and say cheese, oh please!
How much more juice will you squeeze, hasn’t this cow been milked dry?
Stop asking why, instead, ask what’s next?
Deflect from this worn subject, embark on a new project.
Let’s be objective, and a little less reflective.
How will we gain a new perspective if our gaze is in the mirror?
We’ve polished it enough, but it’s not getting any clearer.
This is all there is, but this is really enough.
It isn’t that rough
It’s just a bit uncomfortable,
Feels tough moving forward, but it’s your reflection that’s in the way.
There are more dimensions to you than this mirror could ever convey.
It would be dismayed at how much it cannot know, thus cannot show you.
It’s always in the past.
That reflection always arrives last.
So, come let’s cast the mirror to one side and see the unknown.
You already know you.
You have indulged enough in self-loathing and self-soothing,
Giving your ego a massage, and then a bruising.
It’s a suffering awash in privilege,
The root of it all was valid, but these flowers are getting excessive.
Imagine what could be imagined!
Isn’t that more impressive?
Help right some new wrongs.
Stop writing personal possessives.
It’s obsessive, bordering on oppressive.
Crawl out of the recesses of your mind.
It’s time to draw a line in your grey matter.
Honestly assess if what you say matters.
Come on now…
You’re corroborating reveries
These fragments of correlating energies
They’re just memories of memories.
I’m sure you already know,
I’m fragile, and the cracks are beginning to show.
I think… I think it is time you let me go.
Kind regards,
your ego
-
Laundry day
Friends tell me, Everything happens for a reason.
A hollow platitude dismissing discourse; disarming of any control.
Stoics tell me, It doesn’t matter, it’s all out of your control.’
Forget the heroics and the storytelling.
Focus on your actions and choices alone.
My therapist tells me, Your actions are an inevitable result of everything that came before.
Learn to forgive and accept what is.
There is no hope for control here either.
Go with the flow, and they will say, I don’t think so!
Don’t let life happen to you, take control!
Seize the day, get the universe to work for you!
The friggin’ universe can work for me??
Yet I have no control over my actions, thoughts, or beliefs?
What to make of these mixed messages?
I guess no-one really knows.
I guess it doesn’t really matter anyway.
Come on universe, we’ve got some laundry to do…
unsent draft messages 