Looking up to the sky for inspiration
Holding my 3 pin plug
I’ve lost my adapter
Shit
Tag: funny
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Urban Buddha
A whirring fridge,
Intermittent hissing
from an old boiler
And the clacking staccato
of a suitcase bouncing
along the pavement outside
With me in the middle
The conductor of this cacophony
Struggling to harmonise
this discorded orchestra
As the magpie is tone deaf,
And that leafblower
is messing up the crescendo…
I think I’m meditating wrong
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Snaked on a train
The tracks are doing that morse-code thing again
When the train is somewhere down the line, just round the bend
The platform’s rumbling as the sign switches to ‘due’
The train’s now ambling slowly into view…
Cue the queue rushing through to the knobbly edge, That’s saying ‘down there ain’t for you, unless well you want to…’
Damn that intrusive thought every time man, like my brain is saying ‘you shouldn’t but you know you can man’,
Imagine if…
No brain hush now!
Enough out of you, we got places to be,
That dumb ass thought bro, stop distracting me!
You’re bored is all, you just wait and see!
Soon we gonna be outta this place,
Soon we gonna be free!
You say that every time though, why can’t we ever just stay?
Always a shit excuse, like the weather’s too grey,
Just admit that you’re afraid
You downplay everything that you say was nice in the beginning,
On day one you’re like, bro we’re winning!
By day whatever, it’s just excuse after excuse!
Are you for real? How obtuse can you get?
You forget that you do the thinking
Pleasure, regret, horny or even upset
That’s all you bro,
Don’t tell me I do this ‘every time’
I’m just an accomplice
Mere tools to help you accomplish… actually what the hell is it you’re trying to accomplish?
Bitch please! I just process what you perceive,
Say what you see
Show you the world as you want it to be
Layout the reasons for you to believe
Like ‘to be or not to be’
That doesn’t mean shit to me
I was chilling just keeping us fed and alive
You decided we gotta do more,
What was it again?
Oh yeah, we gotta thrive!
Is this thriving?
We’re arguing over who the fuck is driving!
And though this is all very exciting, the train that was arriving is about to depart!
Though maybe we could actually, you know stay?
Try this new thing called ‘not running away’
Don’t worry brain, while you were squawking, we were walking mate
If you stopped rambling and looked out
You’d see we’re about to leave
There’s no reprieve with you is there?
Believe me bro, when you’re like this,
I wish I could leave you behind
Why? Because I remind you that you’re running again?
Catching train after train?
Man when will this end?
I’m just trying to be your friend,
If you stopped pretending you’re on your own
For once looked up from your phone
Saw that you can’t keep doing this alone
Admit that one of these stops has got to be home!
Enough!
Can you just go back to narrating?
Finish the story that we were creating,
Maybe, I don’t know, talk about how train delays can be grating
All this dialogue is getting frustrating
I was writing a story and you got us debating
Alright… whatever you say, it’s your loss
I’ll do as I’m told…
You are the boss…
…Train delays are so grating
Predictable in their unpredictability
Kinda like avoidance..
Oh you motherfuc…Fine I’m putting the phone away,
Finish writing this another day
There’s not much left to say anyway
And oh look! The sky is looking grey
I was right. Ha!
Slow clap…
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Shakespeare of innuendo
I’m makin’ it sexy before pressing send tho!
Cos I’m like the Shakespeare of innuendo!
My words slither so smooth, even snakes fear me
Wrapping myself around you
I’ll make yo leg shake…dear me!
Watch your step near me, I could bite
Seeing you there..mmmh think I just might!
I’ll keep it tight and concise
Precisely imitating what I see
Don’t keep me waiting though
Within you is where I wanna be..
Oops I let slip.. that was hardly subtle
I had a feeling that it was gonna be a struggle
That feeling that betrays the innocence of a snuggle
That feeling that says..we about to get in trouble
That feeling when I see your face and….
Okay backspace…backspace…backspace…
Shakespeare remember!
Crescendo that innuendo, take your time
I’ll steal away your body but first I want your mind
Look past instincts, this is cerebral
Allow taking you to church
Tonight I’m building a fucking cathedral!
I’ll soak you in a shower of letters
Envelope you in a blanket of words
Like supple leather they’ll bind your hands, over your head as they get more absurd
Whipping your wits till you submit and admit you’re done
Losing your mind but feeling like you won
All this yet the fun hasn’t even begun..
Thats more like it
I said everything but said nothing at all
Now…you’re reaching over to give me a call
Now…oops…you’re wearing nothing at all
Signing off,
Shakespeare of innuendo,
Cos you know…
I’ll be in you in the end…oh…for fucks sake
…backspace…backspace…
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HSBS
It’s 5.30 on a Thursday and there’s one thing on my brain.
Wine beers, banter cheers! Chatting shit until the room spins, necking gin until your puking. Open bar open season. Switch off your mind no need for reason.
Just heading down and I get collared. Mr Project Manager hollers that I have to see a client tomorrow.
‘There will be other agencies there too, we need you to represent the crew’.
Im thinking ‘Yeah safe.. another meeting where I sit in silence, while some suits start chatting finance and I’m wondering what the time is and why I’m even here.’
I mean ‘Cool I’ll see you in the morning but for now I’ll have a beer’.At 10am I stumble into Canary Wharf, completely dwarfed by the towers all around. Surrounded by the sound of shuffling grey suits and the impatient pounding of patent leather boots.
Altogether it was too much for my sore head to take, however the devil always wants his due and it was my bed to make.After a little getting lost and a pitstop for a coffee, It finally stands before me. HSBC.
Cutting to the chase, here we are now face to face, with a client called Marley, flanked by his three little birds.
Each an expert in their field he claimed, as was I apparently, allegedly, in web accessibility.
Unaware of this horrific oversell, the experts and stakes. My blasé attitude the night before was beginning to look like a mistake.
I didn’t know who these people were and why we’re even here. So thirsty for the beer, I made a pig’s ear of being prepared.
Overconfident in my assumption of the bit part I would play.
My ass now Marley would hand to me on a shiny silver tray.
‘So Hammez, today i want to know that you truly are the best.
The spotlight is on you now, I’m putting you to the test. Does your agency belong at the table? We’ll find out soon enough, now bend over and sorry not sorry but this is going to be rough.’
What the fuck? How the fuck? Surely this man is joking.
So I start to talk but I can barely breathe, oh dear god I think I’m choking!
My throat starts to close and bereft of all thoughts my mind begins to clear. An empty chamber with me in the middle surrounded by empty bottles of beer.
My knees were weak and my arms were heavy, but I’m no Eminem, so I passed the mic along and waited for the ground to swallow me.Marley laughed and I hated him.
My crew too who sat back to enjoy the view.
As the big red bus they threw me under, broke my spine in two.
If only they had warned me that this Marley’s got no chill. That he gets his thrills, from grilling you, until your smoked.
Perhaps I would have done my homework, perhaps I wouldn’t have choked.
But I should have cared enough to ask and put my ego in my pocket. Maybe I would have had the words and the power in me to stop it.
Instead of being so cocksure and ending up looking like a cock for sure, I might have actually prevailed.
But in the end I failed to prepare and ultimately I prepared to fail.
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